Johnny's Journey To Victory

The marathon I ran for my dad!

2010-03-05T23:55:00.005-05:00

Wow, it's been almost a year since the last entry in this blog. And I still can't believe it's just over a year since my dad passed. I still see him in pictures around my home and it still feels like he's here, but that I haven't been over to my parents house to see him in a while. I was good about letting work and work travels consume my time, and it just feels like I've been too busy to go say hi and do dinner with him and mom on our old usual Friday night dinners. Then that moment passes, and I remember, wow, he really... is... gone.

On the 1-year anniversary of when he passed, I saw there was a marathon being held here in Jacksonville. It was a marathon for breast cancer that I had been wanting to run the past 2 years for my mom and grandmother, who are both survivors. But when I saw it fell on my dad's anniversary, I knew there was no way I couldn't not run it. I was barely a runner, but it was chasing something that felt impossible that I wanted to prove WAS possible. I knew no matter what amount of pain I went through in training and the day of was nothing compared to the pain my dad endured and fought courageously until the end.

It started with running for my family, and turned into a whole t-shirt full of names I collected on my own blog of loved ones they knew that had battled with cancer. It made the experience mean so much more knowing I was running for other people around the world.

The day before the race, I picked up my number bib, and was amazed to see that my number was 998... which used to be the beginning of my dad's first cell phone back in the day. I thought that was a strange coincidence... or an ace up God's sleeve to let me know my dad would be there running with me.

The day of the race I took my iPhone and recorded video of the experience and sights and sounds. I knew I would probably never run another marathon, and I wanted to remember it as something to show my kids one day of something I did for their grandfather.

Here's the video recap of the run! I invite you to watch it and run along with me!

Mom was on the radio!

2009-04-22T22:38:00.001-04:00

I've always trusted that God doesn't give us "tests" with out using it to create a "test"imony. I knew at the beginning of my dad's cancer journey that He would one day use his story to reach other people. Little did I know the impact his life would go on to have with all the blog readers that followed his journey and the hundreds of you that sent him cards and followed our journey in his battle against lung cancer.

Now that he is gone, he continues to live on not only in our memories, but in other ways too. The night before Easter, my mom was interviewed on a local radio station about my dad's story by an organization called Christ's Starfish. I was so excited for her to continue sharing the beautiful story of hope and faith that my dad's memory has left behind. I keep telling her that she needs to send her blog to a Christian book publisher because what an amazing book it would make! (Anyone have any hook ups out there in blog land???)

Anyways, I just wanted to share the interview with all of you because I'm so proud of her! And it's funny how things come around because when my parents were in their first years of marriage, my mom was the first female disc jockey in Jacksonville on WQIK! So to be interviewed on the radio again talking about my dad all these years later, I just thought that was cute!

Enjoy the interview! Click the link below to play the MP3.

http://scarlettlillian.com/mominterview.mp3

Come Help Us Celebrate!

2009-02-24T01:30:00.002-05:00

“Oh come, let us sing to the Lord! Let us shout joyfully to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving.”

You are invited to a “Wang dang doodle” of a funeral in celebration of the life of Johnny Williams. Johnny was always a person who “did things his way.” He had a way of
“redefining” the norm and living outside the box. He hated funerals. He loved parties and food and music and good friends to share it with. So this Saturday – we are doing a funeral Johnny’s way – Southern Style.

Please join us as we honor Johnny with smiles instead of sadness. The service will begin at 12noon at Ponte Vedra Valley Cemetery and Funeral Home and include a musical video tribute and biography of Johnny’s life, reflections by Pastor Bill Yeldell, a eulogy by Rene Williams, memory moments from friends and a personal poem written by old time friend, Ricky Ebner. Music for the event will be provided by the Rebel Grass band.

Confederate troops will lead the procession of the horse drawn carriage bearing Johnny’s coffin draped with a confederate flag. The funeral dirge will wind its way through the cemetery in a solemn march towards Johnny’s final home. Family and friends are invited to join the procession and walk with him in the final steps of his journey.

At the destination the pallbearers will lift Johnny into his eternal home and the crowd will sing Amazing Grace and Dixie as a last goodbye as the final ceremony of honor is performed with sword and hat.

Down the lane back at the reception area there will be an old fashioned southern barbecue with grills fired up, fish a frying, ham a smoking, ribs a sizzling, chicken frying, turkeys frying and a low country boil bubbling away in a big cauldron. Bags of oysters will be waiting to be shucked and sucked with some good oyster sauce and crackers. Mouth watering “fixins” like peas, potato salad, squash casserole and greens. Dessert will be cobblers and homemade cakes.

We look forward to seeing old friends and meeting new friends who followed Johnny on his Journey to Victory. All are welcome to the party. Please come comfortable and casual and colorful. No black necessary! Seminoles can wear team garb!

Best accommodations for those coming from out of town is THE HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS hotel located at I-295 and Old St Augustine Road. Their phone is (904)899-9000 to book rooms direct. The procession of cars from the hotel will be lead by Chip Bowdren on Saturday morning at 10:30am to the cemetery. It is a 20 mile drive and best to go as a group.

Directions to the hotel from 95 heading South:

Take 95 South and bear right at I-295 following signs towards Orange Park. Once on 295 it is the first exit.

Directions heading North on 95: follow signs to I-295 heading towards orange park. It is the first exit (Old St. Augustine Rd exit) once you are on 295

Directions coming from 1-10: take 1-10 until l-295 hading for Orange Park/Daytona. Continue until you cross the long bridge. Then it is the 2nd exit after the bridge (Old St. Augustine Rd.)

If you are driving in on Saturday morning from out of town your best bet is to meet Chip at the Holiday Inn Express and join the procession to the cemetery so you don’t get lost. Otherwise call the funeral home for specific directions (904)285-1130.

When you arrive there is a name tag table. Please get a tag and proceed inside to sign our guest book.

We hope to see you and meet you and enjoy celebrating Johnny’s life with you!

Beautiful Blessings!

Rene and Scarlett

Good bye Daddy.

2009-02-22T15:18:00.005-05:00

Johnny Ray Williams
December 21, 1946-February 21, 2009

"I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course,
I have kept the faith"
2 Tim 4:7

A picture I took of my dad in 2006 giving tribute to his love of the confederacy in Nashville at the Ryman Auditorium.

I don't even know where to begin.

Whew.

The past 2 weeks have been a blurry whirlwind.

What day is it?

Let me rewind to two days before I left for Vegas. I honestly didn't want to book the trip, but in the weeks leading up to it, I had a talk with my dad, and he told I needed to continue moving on with my life, and that this trip signified everything he had worked so hard for to set me up for success, and that I needed to go on the trip. So I booked the trip, planned the photoshoot workshop and my After Party.

Dad had been pretty level and was in comfort receiving home Hospice care. But then, he no longer was able to keep his medicine down due to a continued nauseous problem he was having after not eating since the beginning of the year. So two days before my trip, they moved him into the Hospice facility to try to get the nausea under control to be able to return home. I of course was about to cancel my trip to Vegas, but after a long talk with my mom, she encouraged me to go through with it and reminded me that daddy would want me to go.

The night before I left was Valentine's Day, so I brought my dad some chocolate covered strawberries. He couldn't eat any, but I ate some for him. He was the first man I ever loved, and I couldn't think of a more perfect person to be my Valentine this year. At this point, he was still conscious, but really could only mutter a few words here and there. When my mom got back from errands, we both held his hands and said the most beautiful long heartfelt prayer recalling all our wonderful memories of the life the three of us shared and how thankful we were for all my dad sacrificed to provide my mother and I such a blessed life of abundance. The tears poured down my face as the three of us poured our hearts out to God. We could truly feel His presence in the room, and it was the closure I needed to get on the plane the next day. As I said goodbye, I told him not to go anywhere until I got back from Vegas, and was praying hard that the Lord would allow that to happen.

Fast forward to dinner one night in Vegas. I spoke to my dad one last time on the phone, and though he could only respond with one word at a time, I will cherish that last conversation.

On Thursday night, my mom picked me up from the airport to inform me that earlier that day, daddy became unconscious. We went straight to Hospice, luggage and all, and spent two nights there sleeping on cots beside his bed. It was such a joy that they also allowed us to bring our dogs, my dog Rhett, his "grandpup" and my mom's dog Lucky, my "sister," so that the whole family could be there. Friday morning, the doctor came in to check his vitals and told us that with all the signs he was showing, she didn't expect him to last more than a few hours. Hearing the news, it was the first time I truly cried since I got back. I couldn't believe how close the end was approaching, but at the same time, I was sooooo thankful that he waited until I got back from Vegas. All day Friday, I stayed by his side. I just couldn't leave. As torturous as it was waiting for his last breath, I wanted to be there, as hard as it was to watch him suffer. Though he had been unconscious the past 24 hours and couldn't respond, my mom and I had heard that hearing was the last thing to go, so we continued to talk to him as we always did.

The most beautiful moment we shared was when my mom was having a breakdown moment crying because she wanted to simply lay next to him one more time. In the past few months, my mom had been sleeping in the guest room as to not disturb my dad's sleep at night in their bed, and my mom truly missed laying next to her husband. But since she couldn't lay next to him in the Hospice bed, she stood in front of him and said "Johnny, open your eyes one more time, I need you to open your eyes and look at me one more time before you leave. Honey, will you look at me?" And he did, he opened his eyes for her!!! I jumped up from my cot and was like "Wait, daddy, I want you to see me one more time too, can you open your eyes for me too?" He wasn't able to open his eyes, but he did move his eyebrows up and down as if he was trying. It just meant so much and I'll never forget that moment of seeing his eyes one last time looking at my mom.

(Ok, sorry, have to wipe the tears before I continue.... They still come and go....)

He continued to last through Friday night, the nurses were saying he had the strongest heart holding on that they had ever seen! I would agree. Yesterday morning, I awoke to my mom getting ready to head out to do errands. Before she left, we stood over him and prayed again. Then she headed out and I went back to sleep. Around 11am, his best friend Ed stopped by one more time to check in on him and say goodbye, and I took Rhett out on a walk. I came back in, and Ed headed out. After Ed left, daddy's breathing started to change, almost as if he was gasping for air in those last few breaths. Then mom walked back in, and rushed to his side. The gasps of air became stronger, almost like coughs and he started to make noise that sounded almost like his voice trying to say goodbye. My mom and I stood by his side and simply started to worship the Lord by singing Amazing Grace and other hymns as we stroked him and told him that it was ok to let go. As we continued to sing, he took his last breath and we slowly started to see his pulse come to a stop. It truly was the perfect moment and what an honor it was to send him off to Jesus in the midst of our worship.

Needless to say, it has been an emotional roller coaster. Tears on and off, and in between moments of numbness, like, did this really happen? Is he really gone? The past 8 months since we heard the news of his cancer definitely went by way too fast, but yet, it was the most incredible memorable 8 months of my life. I have never felt God's presence so strong through the last memories my mom and I shared with my dad, and all the wonderful prayers from each and one of you.

I won't be able to thank each one of you personally, but for all who have reached out through Facebook, Twitter, text messages, phone calls and emails, please know from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for being a friend and being my brother and sister in Christ lifting my family up during this difficult time. Though I can't respond to them all, I have read each of your beautiful words and hold them tight in my heart!!!

Also, my mom and I will not be mourning his death, but instead throwing him a huge party for his funeral as a celebration of his life. For those who have shared in our journey, we are opening it up to all to attend. The funeral will be next Saturday, Feb 28th at noon at Ponte Vedra Valley Cemetery. As you can imagine, my inbox is slammed right now, so if you have questions about the funeral arrangements, please email Mark at mark_sweeney@me.com who can help answer your questions. Also, my mom and I request that you not send flowers, but instead make donations to either:

*The American Cancer Society in honor of my dad's name.
*Northeast Florida Community Hospice in honor of my dad's name.

And with my dad's great passion for Southern history, we also ask donations be made in his name to:
*The Jacksonville Museum of Southern History. You can email curator@museumsouthernhistory.com for more info.
*The Sons of the Confederate Veterans. You can email CJ Hart at calvinhart@bellsouth.net for more info.

Lastly. For those who follow me on Twitter, I know a lot of you have been wondering who this @mark_sweeney guy is that I was chatting a lot about while in Vegas. I'm going to keep it on the downlow for now, but I do want to share that he is an amazing source of joy that has come into my life during this difficult time. We shared a romantic first kiss on the Eiffel Tower in Vegas, and things have continued to unfold so much more beautiful than I could ever imagine. We are both excited to see what God has in store for us, but I'm going to keep this part of my life private for the time being. But Mark is definitely a comforting angel that is helping me to smile and laugh a lot right now, and I'm so thankful for his presence in my life. Also, too, I want to share that his mom is also battling cancer right now, so please lift her up in prayer as well. Our parents were diagnosed around the same time, and she is doing remarkably well at the moment. God is good. You can read about her journey through the blog he started for her at lorrainesfight.blogspot.com.

Again, THANK YOU for all your support. Your prayers have kept me strong. I cherish each one of you and your friendship. May God bless you in return with His sweet love.

Johnny is In Heaven

2009-02-21T19:10:00.003-05:00

"I press towards the goal of the prize for the upward call of God in Jesus Christ" Phillipians 3:14

Johnny climbed the the stairway to heaven today at 12:20pm. Scarlett and I were there to love him and cheer him on until the last moment. He went in peace. He knew where he was going. He waited for me to get back from letting Lucky out so Scarlett would not be alone. We praise God from whom all blessings flow, that he is now out of constant pain and in the arms of his mother and loved ones.

Stay tuned for the last chapter of Johnny's Journey to Victory. It is a glorious look at a man who never gave up hope and a review of all the lessons we learned on the journey.

His funeral will be next Saturday at 12pm at Ponte Vedra Valley - 4750 Palm Valley Road in Ponte Vedra Beach. Everyone who followed Johnny's journey is invited to this "wang dang doodle" of a party celebrating Johnny's life.

Angels Lifting Us Up

2009-02-16T14:29:00.002-05:00

"The angel of the Lord encamps around all around those who fear Him and delivers them." - Psalm 34:7

Angels wings are lifting us up right now - "lest our foot dashes the rock." I have no words to write now except to update you that we have crossed over into the valley of the unknown. I had to admit Johnny into the hospice center on Sunbeam road the day before Valentines Day. He took a dramatic turn for the worse. I don't know what will be happening from here. We brought him there to stabilize him. But as I write I honestly don't know if he will be coming home.

My heart is breaking. But I know the Lord is near to the broken hearted. So no matter what the circumstances, His praise shall continually be in my mouth and my soul shall make its boast in the Lord.

We covet your continued prayers. I will continue to update you as I can - but right now winds are swirling around us as we wait for the Lord to lift His hands and calm the stormy seas. We know that good things are always ahead - according to His will - for those who love theLord.

In His love,

Rene

A Love Letter To Your Sweetheart

2009-02-08T13:52:00.000-05:00

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” - Proverbs 3:3

This Valentine’s Day will be a bittersweet one for us this year. Our love is walking through unknown places as Johnny’s health gets worse. We are walking hand in hand, but there is an unseen wall that divides us. I can see Johnny. I can touch Johnny. But it is as if he is straddling two worlds. He is with me but at the same time he is not with me.

His pain and nausea wrap him in a cocoon that takes up all his focus. He finds it hard to concentrate on much else. When his eyes are closed he is not necessarily sleeping. He says these are his moments of peace when he is able to tune out the rest to a certain degree.

And so we continue to walk together – step by step – day by day – living moment by moment. I am holding on to his hand as tight as I can. I want to pour out my heart to him. But we are beyond words now. That is why I am so glad that a few years ago I wrote him a love letter telling him all the things I appreciated about him. It took him by surprise when I read it out loud to him. Actually, it is a “love list.”

I made a list of everything good about Johnny that I recognized, to read to myself each morning. It was my way of thanking God for our incredible love. I wracked my brain thinking of every single little thing I could – big or small – that I appreciated about him. Then it occurred to me that maybe I took for granted that he knew all this. I realized that too often, we DO NOT say things to each other, because we assume they know what we are thinking. So one day I sat him down and read my list to him.

I honestly think this was the best gift I ever gave him. I saw his face light up and his smile get bigger as I continued reading. He blushed. It was as if he could see himself through my eyes of love, and look at himself through a different lense. But he also saw our love in a different light. Things that needed healing in our relationship began to mend. The love letter was like a prescription from God.

I suggest to each of you that you write a “love letter list” this Valentines Day to the one you love. There is nothing complicated about it. Simply make a list of everything you are thankful for about the person. The first items will be obvious ones. Then stop and go deeper. Nothing is too small to list. No matter how long the list (mine has 46 items) make it fit on one page and then he can fold it up and carry it in his wallet.

I would like to share my “love letter” with you so you can get ideas to make your own list with. Remember – men love lists that spell things out rather than flowery poetry.

The Things I Appreciate About Johnny

1. His love for me.

2. He works hard to give us a good life.

3. His brilliant mind.

4. His handsome good looks.

5. His love of family.

6. He “gets” me.

7. His thoughtfulness of my needs.

8. Standing by me during my experience with cancer.

9. The way he tries hard to please me.

10. His love for our animals.

11. He copes with my snoring and loves me despite that.

12. His problem solving abilities.

13. His love for his Southern heritage.

14. He is a good father.

15. He supports Scarlett’s dreams.

16. He always supported my wild ideas and crazy dreams.

17. He forgives my mistakes.

18. His trust in me.

19. His integrity and honesty.

20. The “little boy” in him that needs nurturing and understanding.

21. His love of life and passion he brought to everything he did.

22. His hatred of boredom.

23. His delight in good food which fostered my love of cooking.

24. His consideration of my parents and brothers.

25. The “macho man” inside him and his “macho needs.”

26. The “sports hero” inside him and his love of sports.

27. His financial and business genius.

28. His kindness.

29. His goodness.

30. His class as a Southern Gentleman.

31. His ability to meet anyone and find something in common with them no matter what level in life.

32. His appreciation of my creativity.

33. His ability to see through to the bottom line of anything.

34. His sense of humor.

35. His integrity.

36. His diverse interests in life.

37. He loves me despite me not being perfect.

38. His TLC when I am sick.

39. His sense of honor.

40. His humility in loving God.

41. His stories about his childhood.

42. His values and beliefs about not owing anyone.

43. His word and his promises count.

44. His insight into the world and ability to prognosticate.

45. His detailed knowledge of history.

46. He makes me feel safe.

I hope that this Valentine’s Day you will remember to include the greatest love in the universe from which all else flows. The love of our Lord in the midst of any relationship will help it bloom and grow into a legacy that is truly eternal for generations to come. Think back to words recited on your wedding day. You wanted your love to last forever. What better day to renew your vows than Valentine’s Day. This year make it about more than diamonds and flowers and chocolate. Make it about true love. Make a "love list" for your sweetheart.

Beautiful Blessings from Our Hearts to Yours,

Rene and Johnny Williams

Seeking God's Face

2009-02-03T01:32:00.000-05:00

“My heart said to You, Your face, Lord, will I seek” - Psalm 27:8

Our lives have become very quiet lately. We simply live to get through another day. We manage from hour to hour. In the stillness that has descended upon our days, we listen and can hear the sound of a new “melody of life” that fills the air in our home. It is the sweet strains of love uninterrupted.

It makes me realize how fast we were racing through life before all this. I have discovered, that in slow motion – love is the most beautiful. It all comes down to the simple things. Johnny and I make love in new and beautiful ways now.

It begins each morning as I reach down with my hands outstretched to give him something to hold on to and pull himself up from the pillow. He has to steady himself on the edge of the bed for a minute and I sit beside him. I gently put my arm around him and stroke his hair while he gets oriented. I give him a Dixie cup of water to wet his dry mouth.

He shuffles to the bathroom and back then splashes water on his face at the sink. He runs the brush over the wispy strands of hair left after the chemo. I take some lotion and rub his lower back to ease the ache of laying so long.

We travel down the stairs together with me leading the way and watching so he won’t fall. He drinks some water at the counter and waits for me to gather up his morning regimen of pills to start the day. I perk a pot of coffee and go get the newspaper. I bring it in and spread it out for him. He grabs the same two sections he has grabbed for 33 years – the front page and the sports section and heads for the bathroom.

I walk the dog and come back in to smooth out his couch bed. I’ve laid an egg crate over the couch pillows with a sheet on top. Then there are two pillows to prop his legs and one pillow under each arm. Then he reclines back on more pillows. He is truly floating in clouds of pillows. He needs all the softness he can get to cushion his bony structure.

The rest of the day is spent going back and forth between the couch and recliner. Mostly on the couch these last few days. He leaves the TV on but doesn’t really watch it. It gives him something to stare at when he’s not staring into space and clicking his fingers. It provides company as he naps. I “piddle” around the house giving him peace in the living room for long periods.

Johnny doesn’t talk much anymore. Its getting to be more and more of a strain to talk. Phone conversations wear him out. Visits tire him quickly. I miss the great debates we used to have about solving world problems and listening to his many monologues on Southern history or life back in Jackson County where he grew up.

I offer him food and water and medicine all day. He is not interested in eating. He hates pill time. He never did like to take pills. I bandage his boo boos. I file his nails. I read him his cards and letters. I help him take a shower. I help him get dressed. I pull on his socks and slippers for him. We pray together at bed time.

This is our new love language. It’s back to the basics of love. Its back to where it all started in the beginning. It is a beautiful friendship of two people who started with nothing and now have come back to nothing – NOTHING BUT LOVE. Love for each other. Love for our family. Love for our God.

Though we’ve had many ups and downs over the years we always bounced back to the love which kept us going. I think what bound us together for so long is our intense passion we shared for living life to the fullest. It lead to occasional clashes of egos, but in the end we were back to back, facing the world and always taking on new challenges together.

This is by far the greatest challenge we have faced but not the hardest. The hardest ones were those we tried to do without God being in the center. The most painful challenges were those that tested our hearts for each other. But by the grace of God we have always triumphed. Love trumps all.

So here is my advice for those who seek love that endures. Seek God first. I look back and realize we could have avoided a lot of unnecessary pain in life, if we had had the courage to get our priorities right early. If only I could have known that God and his instructions did not RESTRICT my life – it UNLEASHED my life, to realize the joy of maximized potential for everything.

Seek God’s face and you will discover a world filled with so much love that it absolutely spills over into every nook and cranny in your life and brightens every room you enter. Real love is contagious. It blesses all who encounter it. I hope you find it. It is that which we all seek but can only be found when we search the right place – the heart of God.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Giving Praise for God's Lovingkindness

2009-02-01T14:50:00.000-05:00

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth shall praise You with joful lips.” - Psalm 63:3

I knew it was going to be a good day this morning when I walked outside and saw the clear blue beautiful sky. I smiled and belted out my morning ritual song that I always sing as I walk down the long driveway to fetch the newspaper. I’m sure the neighbors wonder about me now and then! But I figure, it couldn’t hurt for them to hear the words:

“Oh, what a beautiful morning,

Oh, what a beautiful day.

I’ve got a beautiful feeling,

Good things are coming my way.”

I sing that every morning no matter what is happening in my life. I feel like it summons the angels in the universe to listen and head my way. I am hoping that a heart that sings out praise will attract blessings to flow out from everywhere. Sure enough – we had 2 extra special blessings appear out of the blue this week. Their names are Randy and Patsy.

We haven’t seen Johnny’s brother and sister for many years but this week Patsy called and the beautiful circle of family love was once again whole. Randy called and the light in Johnny’s face, beaming while he talked to him, brought tears to my eyes. Johnny is the older brother, and during the years growing up the three of them were inseparable.

Time had taken a toll on that closeness over the years as everyone went down separate paths. Their parents died a long time ago. Johnny moved away after graduation. But something that remained in all three, was the beautiful legacy Arthur and Bernice Skipper left their children. They left them the traditions and values and knowledge of a life well lived, in a simple and beautiful and loving way.

More blessings also came from others dear to us. Ralph and Sheri Collins surprised us with my favorite flowers….ROSES and LILLIES in a magnificent arrangement amongst baby’s breath and ferns in an exquisite vase. Ralph worked with Johnny for many years, running field operations for our company. He is now serving in the military and stationed in Iraq “running field operations” on a much higher level. Sheri is running local “field operations” holding the fort down at home. Please keep them both in prayer – as well as their darling daughter Anita.

Old friends and new friends are reaching out to Johnny with calls and visits. I am glad to see him embraced so warmly with so much love. It is good for one’s soul to see the other lives you have touched now and then. I think Johnny is blessed to see how he has made a difference in some lives. My greatest definition of success is to know that “one life breathed easier because you lived.” Johnny brought a passion for living to many lives.

Johnny is sleeping away on the couch downstairs as I write. I sprayed his fresh sheets on the couch/bed with roses fragrance so he could lay down in a field of flowers! I am hoping he can rest up and enjoy the Superbowl Game on TV. I told him if he was taking Arizona I would take Pittsburgh so he would get his rivalry spirit on. Sports was something that always excited him. He was the ultimate recliner coach!

I give thanks for a peaceful heart today. My energy is returned and vitality restored. My spirit is back and I am ready for the steps in front of me with confidence and trust. I know that spring is on the way and we will endure this winter in our lives, with hearts that continue to sing His praise and glory forever.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Until The Last Moment

2009-01-31T01:09:00.001-05:00

“My sheep hear My voice and I know them and they follow me” - John 10:27

I’ve been sitting in front of the dwindling fire in the fireplace for the past hour. I stare at it and look over at the empty couch. Johnny has been sleeping on and off all day….mostly on. He finally gave up and went upstairs to bed. I don’t know how much longer he will be able to make it up the steps. He takes a few steps at a time and must rest before he continues up. We have 16 stairs. When he gets to the top he is exhausted.

I’ve tried to get him to start sleeping downstairs – but he is such a fighter. He won’t give up until he just can’t do it anymore – till he has fought with all his might. He has always been a good card player. He knows when to “hold em” and when to “fold em.” He also knows when to walk away. This week he walked away from the chemo and told the doctor – “no more.”

He weighed in about 145lbs and has never recovered from the devastating effects of the last chemo. He hasn’t eaten more than a handful daily in weeks. He threw up the night before the scheduled chemo. He walked out of the bathroom and told me “that’s it – let’s talk about hospice.”

I’ve been trying to broach the subject for weeks. But he would hold up his hand and forbid me to mention it, “don’t take away my hope” he would say. I couldn’t make him understand all the positive benefits of the improvements in his quality of life. Then “a God thing” happened when his friend Chuck came to visit one day.

In the course of a conversation they had, Chuck started relating his own experiences with hospice when his dad was sick. Something about hearing it from another man made Johnny listen. That began the process of Johnny’s mind being receptive to getting help in a different way.

And so this week Hospice came to the house and we began the process of setting up services here at home. They are wonderful. He is now getting a whole new level of medical attention that really gives us the security of someone “having our back” on a 24/7 basis. We have an assigned nurse. They handle all the medications from here on. He has instant access to doctors on call. New meds arrived on our doorstep within an hour of his assessment.

A shower chair arrived the next day. An aide is on call when he needs assistance of any kind doing daily activities. Counselors and pastors are available. Folks, this is medical care as it should be. Compassion combined with the philosophy that the patient’s best interest is their only interest.

There has been a flurry of activity going on the last few days that has exhausted Johnny. I think he has found a new peace in the process of letting go and giving up the chemo fight. He has been sleeping constantly as if finally allowing himself to relax. He is on a new medication regimen targeting his nausea first. But he still hardly eats.

I suddenly realize that this week has exhausted me also. But it is more than physical. I know my spirit took flight this week to help him fly. I feel as if spiritually, I have been with him on his journey trying to help him over this big hurdle. I’ve been holding his hand when I need to spiritually, and carrying him on my shoulders when he can’t go further. These are the moments our spirits came together as one.

I have not been able to write this week. My mind has been blank because my spirit was not present – it was with Johnny walking through the valley….trying to follow our Shepherd in a place we have never been. I have had to lead Johnny for the first time.

I’ve been holding our wedding picture clutched to my heart as I’ve stared at the fire tonight. It’s my favorite wedding picture. We had just turned around and were walking hand and hand towards our unknown future for the first time as man and wife. Johnny was leading the way.

Tonight, I felt so alone. He didn’t even finish watching the fire die out like he always does. Even when he was still there it’s like he wasn’t there. The man that now lays on the couch is not the same Johnny I have known for 33 years. He is a fragile shell of the old Johnny, whose zest for living and laughing and loving life to the fullest, always made our world an adventure.

There are many seasons that love travels through. I was not expecting this one for a few more decades. But here it is. It’s “baptism by fire.” Walking through this valley is indescribable. It really is like a fog you can’t see through. All we can do is listen for “the shepherd’s voice” calling out to us and guiding us through to the other side of the valley towards the light.

And so we walk – one day at a time – step by step – walking through fear, walking through uncertainty, walking through pain – and clinging to the peace that surpasses all understanding. God tells us “I know my sheep and am known by My own. We follow in faith because we know that all is well….no matter the circumstances….because we are loved, we are watched over….and we are together…….now and forever….until the last moment.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Keeping Your Faith When God Says "no."

2009-01-25T00:02:00.000-05:00

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding" - Proverbs 3:5

Do you ever wonder why you don’t get some of the things you have prayed for? Do you feel like God has let you down or is not listening? Do you believe God answers all prayers? I have had several people ask me about my faith through all this, all so I thought I would share what God has taught me about the above questions. I want to reveal the secret of my peace.

First of all, let’s set the stage with some truths.

- No, I don’t want Johnny to die.

- Yes, this is the most traumatic experience I have ever been through.

- Yes, Johnny is the love of my life, who I fell in love with the moment I met him.

- No, peace doesn’t magically flow to me automatically.

- Yes, I work hard tending to my faith each day.

- Yes, I believe God answers all prayer.

- Yes, I believe God knows all things including what is best.

- Yes, I believe anything is possible with God.

Johnny and I live in a moment frozen in time right now. Our world is one of lazer beam focus directed to one priority – getting through each day, one day at a time, and hanging on to our faith with all our might. Every day for Johnny is a battle against pain and nausea and trying to get an appetite. Every day for me is a mission of taking control of our worlds so Johnny has nothing else to worry about but achieving the above objectives.

At first our battle was long range goals to reverse the cancer. Together we fought tooth and nail going to extreme lengths to try anything we could find to help the oncologists. We had tough times and we had good times in between. Now it is all tough times. The latest patch he wears for nausea has not worked all week.

The last meal Johnny ate was last Sunday. I fixed him turnip greens and pork chop and hoecakes. Every day since then he eats less piece of fruit a day. Last night he “got a wild hair” and thought he felt hungry. He sent me out for food.. By the time I rushed home with it and set it before him he had a frown on his face. “It’s gone,” he said. He tried to eat a few bites anyway but had to race to the bathroom to throw it up.

He gets weaker and weaker as he eats less and less. I know he’s lost more weight but he won’t weigh anymore. It depresses him. We are waiting to get the next CAT Scan on Tuesday and meet with the oncologist to review the results and decide whether or not to continue with the last chemo or contact hospice.

Johnny has tried to keep fighting on through the pain and nausea, but now with the way things are progressing, I think he is reaching that point of being ready to change his focus to quality of life rather than quantity of life. He knows his time is limited. He wants to truly live every moment while he is here, and enjoy the time he has left, as comfortably as possible.

Back to the question now, of keeping our faith with the outcome looking bleak. One might ask, why did God not answer our prayer for healing? As we have marched onward in “Johnny’s journey to victory,” we knew the greatest victory was being one with, the same as, and in tune with God’s will. We know that GOD heals and it is God’s call. Because God has a plan for each of us, that does not end when our time here on earth is up. It is a plan for all eternity.

The victory that we march towards each day is one of letting God control our destiny. Yes, we have our preferences of how we would like it to be. Yes, we express our opinions to God and request our wills be done. But, the bottom line is that GOD IS IN CONTROL. He sees our bigger picture in the grand scheme of things.

I can look back in the last year or two, at the things God said “no” to us about, and see how His “no’s” were leading towards our greater good in the events we are now experiencing. One “no” came when we prayed for our business to continue thriving. Circumstances forced us to close the business and retire early. Johnny was diagnosed six months later.

Also, I was going to start teaching. I had applied for a special program in the school system that was looking for retirees who wanted a second career to teach. I was really excited at the prospect and made it through the first cuts towards selection. But in the end I didn’t get it. I was really disappointed and had a hard time understanding God’s “no” on that one. He knew I always dreamed of being a teacher and I would be a good one! (Or so I thought.)

One month after my last school board interview, Johnny was in the hospital. Everything worked out for good. I never would have been able to juggle having a full time teaching job and going to school to get certified simultaneously with this journey. God knew what He was doing when he said “no” to that prayer request. God knew Johnny would need me more than ever.

The greatest victory is not losing our faith during this journey. Instead, individually and together, our faith has grown so strong that we can truly come to understand what “that peace that surpasses all understanding” really means. We have learned to trust God NO MATTER WHAT. We trust Him because we love him. We KNOW His name. We KNOW we are not alone. We know this journey is for His greater glory. We know he is using us to light the candles of faith in many people who are on this journey with us.

So finally, here are the answers we have learned to the initial questions I asked. I know why we didn’t get some things we prayed for. I believe God answers all prayer – just not necessarily the answers we were hoping for. I know God is always listening to us.

What is it you have prayed for that you are not getting the answer you expected? I encourage you to keep trusting God even when He says “no.” Everything works together for good to those who love God. We must believe His answers are always in our best interest. He is always pushing us towards the destiny we born for. In between our birth and death on this earth our purpose is to discover Him, know Him, honor Him and love Him with the same unconditional love that He loves us with.

Keep trusting Him no matter what your circumstances. Keep listening to Him as He whispers to your heart. Keep walking forward to the victory that waits for each of us, which always comes with surrendering ourselves to His divine timing and order for our greatest good. You might not get what you want, but God will give you what you need.

Beautiful Blessings!

Rene

Having A "Heart To Heart" With God

2009-01-23T01:06:00.001-05:00

“Trust in Him at all times you people; pour out your heart before Him.” - Psalm 62:8

How do you talk to God? Did you ever think about your communication with Him? I have many Christian friends who have all taught me different things about my walk with God. But there is one friend in particular who taught me to talk to God.Her name is Donna Carter. We have been friends for almost 20 years. We met when her father, Jack Kulan, was placed in the nursing home I worked for. We were both going through troubled periods in our lives and used to have coffee a lot to help each other with girlfriend talk.

Back then I was still at a crossroads with my faith, and struggling to trust God enough to let Him be in control of my life. I was steering through stormy waters and feeling pretty sorry for myself, and acting accordingly. I knew there was a better way to get over some major issues, but I was too busy having a pity party back then to hear what God was trying to tell me.

And here was Donna at that time, going through major life struggles also, especially dealing with her Daddy and all the trauma of making a transition in their relationship, but yet, all she ever talked about was Jesus and the daily conversations they had, and how He was helping her through it all, and how wonderful He was, and on and on and on! I used to watch her over my coffee cup and think “she’s talking like God actually talks to her face to face!”

She would just light up like a candle, smiling those great big dimples as she gushed, relaying her words to Him as I just sat there in awe. And I’m thinking, is this fair? How is it He talks to her and not me? And how can she be so happy when her world is falling around her? Donna gave me a little maroon Bible Promises Book. She told me that whatever problem I had God had an answer for in that book. I still have that book. As a matter of fact, I have bought that book for others many times since then. But here’s the thing. We can study the Word. We can speak the Word. But until you can take those words and plant them in your heart and transform them into a love language with God, they are dead on a doorstep.

This is what Donna helped me to do. She taught me to have a relationship with God by learning to talk to him like I would anyone else. For instance, just think of talking to anyone you love in your family. You don’t pull out a book and read a script to them in a monotone voice do you? No. You have animated conversations with inflections and body language. Your eyes sparkle. You smile. You infuse your conversations with emotions. When you are talking to someone you love you are speaking from the heart. You are pouring out your heart to them. You are relating heart to heart. It is no different with God. Well, I take that back. It IS different. It is better.

Through the years on my journey to connect heart to heart with God, I found it interesting that though I have never been afraid to take centerstage in public, or meet strangers, or been the least shy about being a “ham,” I ALWAYS shied away from “saying the blessing” at any gathering. I used to listen to others just pour their hearts out with eloquence and think how blessed they were to be able to pray like that. As my faith has continued to grow, I have learned to relax and just “let her rip” with God. Privately I talk to Him through reciting the word and singing and just rambling on like to any other friend. Publicly, I am finding it easier and easier to speak through faith and share my faith with others. Because the more I surrender to it without thinking about it – the better I get at finding just the right words, at just the right time, for someone who needs to hear it.

And its all because I have learned to love God in more intimate and joyful ways then I ever could have imagined. He is my savior but he is my friend and always there. We are best friends forever! Girlfriends can be some of God’s best ministering angels to teach us about loving from the heart.

Now I am passing it forward to Johnny in unique and beautiful ways. Writing this blog has brought Johnny love and friendship, through the power of God, that has just EXPLODED in his life in ways he can hardly believe. People all over the county are pouring their hearts out to him like they have been friends all their lives. He shakes his head in wonder and sometimes get fearful because it’s hard to understand so much goodness coming at you at once. I tell him sit back and enjoy the ride and “feel the love.” This is how it is when you board “the soul train” that is fueled by God’s love. This is friendship at its very best. This is better than MySpace or Facebook could ever be. We all have more “friends in common” than the internet could fathom with a Christian community.

When God listens to you he looks at your heart. It speaks louder than any words. His heart is your heart. He is the tick. You are the tock. So just talk to him with your heart and unlock all the treasures you will find waiting there. The greatest treasure is your Heavenly friend who is waiting for another great conversation.

Beautiful Blessings!

Rene

Hearing God's Whispers

2009-01-22T00:47:00.001-05:00

“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart. Wait! I say upon the Lord.” - Psalm 27:13-14

It’s one of those moments where my get up and go has got up and went. I want to write inspiring words but tonight I am tired. My spirit needs to rest. Suddenly I realize what is wrong. There I go trying to do everything with my own power again – thinking I am superwoman.

I need God to carry me for a little bit. I need Him to lift me up and cleft me inside His wing and breath His holy breath into my soul. I need to hear Him talk to me. I need to let go and let God.

I need spiritual nourishment to give me endurance to run this race so I can shoulder Johnny as he gets weaker and weaker. I am stopping to lay my head on the bible for a few minutes because I can’t find the right passage that speaks to me. I need to get quiet so I can hear God whisper in my ear. I’ll be back……………………………….

Aha! I knew if I would just hush up that chatter in my soul He would speak. I rested a minute or two (or three) and received inspiration for direction. A thought was planted while I rested, to pick up a scrapbook of Christian poetry and and prose I have. I started flipping through and Oila! I found the perfect poem to lead me into God’s sustenance. I love it when God surprises me like this.

Here’s the poem. I hope it will lead you into the solutions for your own problems as well:

Prescription for Your Need

By Dr. Sunshine
To be taken according to directions

Though you may view your work in tears,
And count it all in vain,
Psalm one two-six will calm your fears,
And make you sing again.

Though darkness shuts you in like night,
You need not go astray;
John 8:12 tells about a light
That turns your night to day.

Are you restless, ever restless,
Like the billows of the sea?
There is perfect peace and quiet
In Isaiah two six three.

When assailed by foes unnumbered,
And you know not what to do,
Flee oh flee to David’s fortress
Named in Psalm eighteen verse two.

When you’re sick be not discouraged,
Though no earthly help is nigh,;
In James five you’ll find a healer
Who can hear your faintest cry.

If there’s but little in your purse
Or maybe nothing which is worse!
Your God will help you in your need,
Psalm 37 find and read.

If those around you seem unkind,
In John 15 your help you’ll find.
So read of Christ the friend for aye;
For he is with you everyday.

Are you needing food or raiment?
Are you poor as poor can be?
Take ACCORDING TO DIRECTIONS
Matthew 6 verse 33.

Have you lost your faith in people?
In yourself and everything?
Take Mark ‘leven two and twenty,
It will make you shout and sing.

Are there strange conflicting signboards?
All along your upward way?
Take John 10 verse 27,
And you cannot go astray.

When death has claimed your loved ones,
And you are torn with grief,
1 Thessalonians 4 helps
And gives one great relief.

Do you often feel unhappy?
There’s a safe and certain cure,
Found in Proverbs 16:20
That will happiness insure.

Are you starting on a journey?
Does your heart sink with dismay?
Proverbs 3, verse 6 can strengthen,
And direct you on your way.

When you’re growing faint in heart,
And would a tonic find,
Psalm 27 can impart
New strength to heart and mind.

Are you oft inclined to worry?
Have you more than you can bear?
In 1 Peter 5, verse 7
There’s a balm for every care.

- Mrs. Clara S. Fisher.

I hope you will not only read this poem but let it lead you into the power of God’s answers for all our needs. Sometimes I get distracted and forget that my circumstances do not determine my joy! We all need strength for our own journey. If you need directions, just ask. God is always waiting to point the way to the power and the light.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

The Sunshine of Your Love

2009-01-21T01:21:00.001-05:00

“I AM the light of the world” - John 9:5

I read something interesting about sunshine today. I got an email which was extolling the need for sunshine and the following exerpt really caught my attention:

“Sunlight comes to us in a spectrum of both visible colors and shades we can't see. These different shades, called wavelengths, bring energy and stimulate life. Plants use certain wavelengths to produce food and energy. Animals use other wavelengths to remain healthy.”

It made me think about the sunshine of God’s love for us. His love also comes to us in a spectrum of colors. Just as faith is believing that which we cannot see, so is the “Son’s” light coming to us on wavelengths, bringing us energy and stimulating life in our souls. Plants need certain wavelengths to produce food and energy. So do we.

The light of God feeds our bodies and souls like nothing else on earth can. We would perish without this light. All that is left without the light is darkness.

Today on the way to Mayo it was a glorious sunny day. I recalled the song by Eric Clapton “ called “The Sunshine of Your Love.” I sang it to Johnny on the way to Mayo Clinic:

“I’m with you my love,
The light’s shining through on you.
Yes, I’m with you my love,
It’s the morning and just we two.
I’ll stay with you darling now,
I’ll stay with you till my seas are dried up.

I’ve been waiting so long
To be where I’m going
In the sunshine of your love.”

I built him a fire when I got back and kept it going 11 hours all day long as we watched inaugural events. Johnny loves watching a fire but he wasn’t feeling good today. I knew he needed some sunshine in his soul. I remember he used to fix a fire for me every night when I had to sleep on the couch during my breast cancer journey.

I used to drift in and out of sleep and seeing the light of that fire made me feel like the light of God was bathing me in healing power. It was so comforting. It dispelled the darkness of the valley I was in. It made me sleep better. Every time my eyes blinked open I would see the fire getting smaller and smaller until it faded into glowing embers.

Now it was my turn to bring light to Johnny. He slept a lot on the couch after a brief visit with company. He needed sleep so those healing hormones could kick in. And I believe the fire has wavelengths just like the sun. I watched him from my recliner as he slept on the couch. I sent him another kind of wavelength. I sent him love. I sent him prayer.

Thoughts are electro-magnetic waves of light that I believe can penetrate the soul. This must be true because prayers are thoughts from one soul to another and as God is my witness (she said shaking her fist in the air,) we can feel those prayers and cares coming at us from every corner!

Today our dear friend Rachel sent us the following email:

This morning, my co-worker Barbara came to me and said ‘Your friend and her dad and family were on my mind this weekend. I thought about them and said a special prayer for them because I was thinking of them.’ I just wanted to share that with you all, and let you know that people everywhere are thinking of Johnny and of you.

This weekend, as I was cleaning around the house, a hymn came into my head that also made me think of Johnny. It’s fitting, since his blog is called “Johnny’s Journey to Victory” and I wanted to share it with you. I know that you know it, and I’m sure the tune will come to mind as you sing.

This happens to us frequently. People write us and tell us of the many different instances throughout the day that they are thinking of us and praying for us. Now that is what I call some “Son-shine” for the soul! These are little miracles of God’s light. It is hard for us to fathom we are in so many people’s thoughts. It could only be God at work.

The hymn Rachel mentioned was perfectly apropos, considering that today Johnny made the front page of our local newspaper on the same page of Barak Obama’s headline “Long Road To Victory.” There they were, Johnny and Barack, side by side on the road to hope! It tickled Johnny. I want to share part of the hymn with you:

Victory in Jesus

I heard an old, old story,
How a Savior came from glory,
How He gave His life on Calvary
To save a wretch like me;

I heard about His groaning,
Of His precious blood’s atoning,
Then I repented of my sins
And won the victory.

O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about His healing,
Of His cleansing pow’r revealing.
How He made the lame to walk again
And caused the blind to see;

And then I cried, “Dear Jesus,
Come and heal my broken spirit,”
And somehow Jesus came and bro’t
To me the victory.

O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;

I hope when you read this entry today you will think of putting a little “Sonshine” in your soul today. Plugging into the power of God’s love will help you bloom and grow like plants basking in the sunlight above. Just as much as we need the sun OUTSIDE, we need the Son INSIDE of us to grow deeper and deeper into the knowledge of our miracle making Lord. Flowers bloom only in the sunlight. We too need our source of light to color our worlds with blessings from above.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Johnny Made Front Page News!

2009-01-20T18:15:00.002-05:00

This morning we opened The Florida Times Union local newspaper in Jacksonville, Florida and on the bottom right corner they featured a promotion for Johnny's Journey To Victory blog that appears on the Jacksonville.com website. Woo hoo! My darlin was right there on the FRONT PAGE with Barack Obama on Inaugural Day bringing the same message - HOPE IS ON THE WAY!

I was so excited to have Johnny honored in this way. I consider it another victory for God. I know it can only be God that opened the doors for us to reach so many more people with the good news that JESUS IS LORD and GOD RULES!

Never forget:

"And this is the victory that has overcome the world - OUR FAITH" - 1 John 5:4

The Beauty of Doing What You Love

2009-01-19T23:55:00.001-05:00

“Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us; and establish the work of our hands.” - Psalm 90:17

Sometimes it takes a slap in the face to stop us from spinning at breakneck speed through our lives and missing what is important. That is what this journey through Johnny’s cancer has done for us. We have learned the beauty of stopping to smell the roses.

We have found our entire life to be put on hold, as we struggle to make it through each day. Our priorities have changed. Our activities have changed. Our love has changed. The lense through which we look at life has changed. Despite the horrible circumstances which have caused this change, I know I like this view of life better.

We have returned to simplicity. It is all about getting back to the basics of things that really matter in your life. We have found the moments that count, are the sum total of all the little moments. It is the little moments we realized, that got left behind in our race through life to make money, pay our bills, keep crazy schedules and give priority to that which was really unimportant.

Our awareness of what is left, when all the rest is stripped away, is a joy to behold. My writing is a good example of this. I have wanted to write with unbridled pleasure all my life. I never took the time because I was always too busy. I now believe that what I kept inside by not releasing it, was destroying a little piece of my soul every day. Now I do write everyday. I don’t HAVE the time – I MAKE the time, because I have realized how important it is to me.

Here’s another example. Johnny and I are getting to know each other and appreciate things about each other, that we never took the time to know. When you are given a deadline to do it, you don’t waste a minute on other things that don’t matter.

This is what has brought our family closer together. This is where we drew the line in the sand, by turning to God instead of our own power to solve situations. This is what has breathed life into our spirits, despite the physical health problems we encounter. This is what has brought the beauty back into our everyday living – into every moment.

It didn’t have to be this way to get to where we are now. We could have figured this out a long time ago, by making the choice to put God first in our lives. One thing leads to another. Once your list of priorities is in right order, everything else starts falling in place. Once you seek Him with all your heart you will also find what you were born to do.

My suggestion to each of you is to make a “divine appointment” with God. Schedule Him into your life and into your appointment book. Start prioritizing what really counts, the same as you would any other appointment. Be determined to make the right turn – which is always, back to Him, to discover what your true goals should be. Make your spiritual goals as important as your financial, business or pastime goals. Don’t wait until catastrophe hits to be backed in a corner and finally “get it.” You can start this today.

It is never too late to be what you were meant to be. You will discover the beautiful truths you are searching for in the little moments. God designed our lives to be pretty simple. Somewhere along the way, through all the wonders of modern technology, and the way our lives have changed because of it – we have lost the lifeline that matters most. That is the connection to God, and to each other, and to the gifts we each were given.

I notice the younger generation would rather email, text, twitter or facebook, than even pick up the phone to visit or talk. I think we need a little less Blackberry and a little more one to one living in our lives. We start by slowing down. We start by truly looking at what is in front of us.

My question to you today is this. Are you doing what you truly love in life? What about your job? Are you working to fulfill your purpose or to simply pay your bills? I read a book a long time ago with the message “do what you love and money will follow.” I wish I had paid more attention to it then. I am paying attention now. I don't think I have ever been this happy as I am now writing everyday. I wake up each morning with a heart filled with joy and the anticipation of doing what I love.

This is what we have tried to teach Scarlett about life. Johnny never got the chance to be the wonderful history teacher he could have been, or the great coach I think he was destined to be. Working to make a paycheck got in the way. His passions were squeezed into spaces left in between appointments. I think passion should come first. I think this is where our happiness lies.

Though I know you can’t just up and quit your job, you CAN start seeking that which you love, and turn in the direction that honors your soul. This is part of what we were being taught, when we are told to love our neighbors AS OURSELF. It all flows from there. Being true to you. It leads us to the life of our dreams that God intended when He created us. I believe the purpose of living is to manifest our unique gift.

We are each different blueprints of God’s love. We were each born to be beautiful glimpses of Gods power and might. My prayer for you is that you will look in the mirror and see how wonderfully made you are, and start on the path today to your true destiny – just do it. I hope you can find the real life God intended for you.

Don’t look back at the end of your life and say I “would of, could of, should of.” You can find the “beauty of the Lord” by finding what it is you really love to do. They say your gift lies in that which you can spend hours doing and not realize so much time has passed until you suddenly you look up. I believe this is the work God wants to establish your hands to do.

They also say that a man who loves what he is doing never works a day in his life. My wish for each of you today is to have the courage to follow your heart to the happiness of doing what you really love.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Don't Let Clouds Get In Your Way

2009-01-18T23:52:00.000-05:00

“Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” - Matthew 5:16

I have a confession – one of my all time favorite movies is “Pollyanna,” starring Hayley Mills. I saw it when I growing up, and it left an indelible impression on my young girl’s heart. Pollyanna’s parents taught her to play “THE GLAD GAME” of life and it looked so simple! Just find the good in every situation and take your focus off the bad. Keep your eye on the light.

Pollyanna’s parents were missionaries who died. Pollyanna had to go live with her Aunt that she never knew, and move to a strange town she’d never been to. Now there’s a possible “bad cloud situation” that would be hard to deal with, but Pollyanna knew what to do, because she knew the “Glad Game,” and how to handle life.

In the movie, Pollyanna arrives in town and changes lives wherever she goes. She lights up the life of everyone in the town, by teaching them “The Glad Game.” Then she falls from a high tree and is never supposed to walk again. She stumbles in her faith. Her light goes out briefly. But the people that she touched with “The Glad Game,” return the favor and relight the candle of her soul.

Folks – it doesn’t get any better than that! How simple can it be? LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN EVERY SITUATION and the good will come back to you. Johnny and I been put to the test with this cancer journey. God says He makes everything work together for good if we love Him. We know it’s all about how you choose your handle for tomorrow. One of my favorite quotes is:

“Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.” - Henry Ward Beecher.

Johnny and I have chosen the handle of faith in this current challenge. It has not been an easy path – it has taken grace and we have prayed for courage. Courage does not mean that you are not afraid. It is being afraid and doing it anyway. When we step out in faith, there is always a risk. We have found it is worth the risk. We believe if we fall that God will catch us.

The rewards we have found from doing this have been indescribable. We have discovered the truth of what Paul reveals to us in the bible, that suffering is a great opportunity to show others the reflection of God’s power inside you. When we do it for His sake, our weakness becomes strength and we always triumph.

By turning to God in our “tribulation” we receive comfort from Him, and in turn, are able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort we have received. We now have a purpose driven life. There is a purpose in our battle.

Writing this blog has become a such a blessing to us in so many ways. It has:

1. Enabled me to reach out and touch the world in doing what I love most – writing.
2. Allowed us to inspire others by sharing our faith through our trials.
3. Connected us with hearts all over the country, who shower us with the light of hope and prayers, and inspire us in return, with their cards and letters and packages and calls and emails and visits.

It has humbled us, when we see how God has touched lives through us, for those who are in need of faith. This is the gladness described by an unknown author when we read:

“You can’t light a candle
to show others the way,
Without feeling the warmth
of that bright little ray.
And you cant give a rose
all fragrant with dew,
Without some of its sweetness
remaining on you.”

Whatever storm you face – try to think “What’s GOOD about this? I invite each of you to play “The Glad Game” in your own life. Look with an expectant heart for the good that is to be found in all things. Think on that which is noble, just, pure, lovely and of any good report. Plug in to the goodness of God.

Do all this and God will be with you, and you will be able to handle life with the right handle – the handle of faith. My wish for you is, that your clouds become “ice cream castles in the sky,” that bring you joy and dreams come true, as the dark clouds disappear.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

The ABC's of Hope

2009-01-18T01:23:00.001-05:00

“But sanctify the Lord in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you” - 1 Peter 3:15

I’ve had several inquiries about my speaking program “The ABC’s of Hope” so I thought I’d give you a “sneak peek” of the message I want to share with folks everywhere. It is all about holding on to hope in a hopeless situation. I learned many lessons during my own battle with cancer. Hope is more than wishful thinking. It is an indispensable weapon for soul survival.

Hope is not contingent on getting the outcome you want in a situation. Hope is all about putting your trust in a power greater than you, to help you get through dire circumstances. When I was near death in the hospital during Christmas week 2004, I discovered that it did not matter whether I lived or died. We all must go one day. It mattered that I felt the presence of God, not only touching my heart, but filling my entire body and soul with a nearness that is indescribable. I knew everything would be allright, no matter what, because HE was there.

That’s victory folks! That is moving beyond fear of anything that confronts you. That is a power no man, no money, no things can give you. It is an anchor for our souls that can secure us through any storm. How do we cross the bridge to hope? We look at the anchor. We look at that which we put our trust in. We look at our Lord through new eyes – the eyes of KNOWING.

When you say you trust God my first question to you is this. Who is your God to you? Really. If I were standing in front of you right now and asked you this question would you be able to immediately respond in full? Would you be able to describe Him and everything you KNOW to be true about Him and what He does on a day to day basis for you right off the cuff? I can.

A long time ago I took Karate. One of the most important things we spent time on during each session was learning “katas” (I think that is the right name) which were choreographed fight movements. We practiced them over and over and over and over. The purpose for all the repetition was to implant them in our memory, so in the event of an unexpected fight encounter, we would not THINK but REACT automatically, with power no matter which way we were attacked. We had rehearsed every possible situation. We KNEW what to do in a way that went deeper than thinking.

I thought about this when I was reflecting on hope one day. I decided to make a list of what I KNEW God to be and all the reasons I should trust him. I also decided to imprint this upon my mind – to etch it indelibly – so in any moment of crisis I would be prepared to face the circumstance with a calm assurance of power.

I went through the alphabet and created my “hope prayer” which reminded me of everything God does for me each day. I wanted God to know how much I appreciate Him everyday. I also wanted to be prepared with an answer to anyone who asked me how I could be so hopeful. So I remembered my lessons from Karate and decided to memorize the prayer. I now recite it by heart every morning of my life or in any moment of crisis.

The ABC’s of Hope

Thank You Lord for:

Always being available to me every second, every minute, every hour, every day of my life. You are always on time no matter what time I call you. And You always answer all prayer.

Blessing me with beauty in all I see hear and touch and feel. Your beauty is everywhere and in everyone.

Comforting me with compassion when I make mistakes. Your understanding and forgiveness get me up off my knees when I am knocked down.

Designing my dreams according to Your divine plan for my life, which is always perfect for my true heart’s desire. You alone know what makes me happy, and what I was born to do.

Expecting excellence in all I say and do bringing me to my very best potential to serve you in all things great and small.

Freshening the foundation of my heart with your unconditional love and power. With You, I can do all things

Giving me grace to get through the day to handle every problem, obstacle or situation with Your divine solution.

Helping me to heal when my heart, my body or my spirit is broken. Your love is the best medicine I could ever take.

Instilling integrity in my soul to always do the right thing, at the right time, at the right place. I do unto others as I would have them do to me.

Jumpstarting my joy, with laughter and music. You keep a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

Kindling Your kindness in me, to remind me of how to treat each person I meet, knowing each one is my neighbor.

Lifting me with love and showing me why I was created, to simply love and be loved.

Making miracles that appear each day that I can see when I look with an expectant heart

Never needing anything – because you provide me with prosperity and abundance

Overseeing the Outcome of my life – and reminding me that You are the one in control

Providing me with that peace that surpasses all understanding

Quenching my soul with quietness so I can hear your voice and direction in the stillness.

Restoring my righteousness when I lose sight of the truth. You are the beacon of light my soul follows.

Strengthening my spirit when I am weak by carrying me on your shoulders. It is at these moments that I see one set of footprints in the sand.

Teaching me to trust You that all is well all the time, even when I cannot see the light in the darkness.

Unveiling my universe and showing me the magnitude of how great Thou art when I look up at the stars or across the ocean. Your magnificence takes my breath away.

Visualizing my victory, which gives me the courage to fight for the truth.

Washing me in wisdom each morning as I set out to do Your will each day and spread Your amazing grace everywhere

Yanking out my yesterdays, to make room for my tomorrows, that are filled with your promises for today.

Zapping me with the zeal for life I know in living each day according to your will.

I am excited about the possibility of speaking to groups of any size and bringing hope to hearts that need it. I look forward to sharing a message that will help others to renew their power and faith, and to understand what God means when He tells us that nothing is impossible if we KNOW Him and TRUST Him.

Beautiful Blessings!

Rene

The Resurrection of Rene Williams

2009-01-17T00:58:00.001-05:00

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, And Your right hand will save me. The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy endures forever; do not forsake the work of Your hands.” - Psalm 138:7-8

It is never too late to make a comeback. We all get detoured in our walk in life. We make mistakes. We get discouraged. We give up. We don’t believe we have the power to be what we used to be. We believe we are beyond redemption. But we forget too often, that there is a greater power that can raise us from the deadness of our own self-destruction.

Tonight I realized that by the grace of God I am coming back to life. I have spent the last ten years spiraling down into a cave of hiding from myself, of punishing myself for mistakes made, and building walls to keep me from facing the insurmountable challenge of picking up the pieces and starting over again.

Though I beat cancer 5 years ago, I have been unable to beat the voices in my head that continued to tell me my best years were over. It is a living hell to be stuck in a place you can’t get out of. It is frightening to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself anymore. Where did the power and pizaaz go?

Johnny has always taken such good care of me that it has been easy to hide. I have been allowed to prolong my stay in the comfort zone for too long. But everything changed last year, when Johnny received the prognosis of terminal stage 4 lung cancer and given one year to live. My world was turned upside down. It was time to come out of my cave and back into the light – because the love of my life needed me.

This past year has been a slow journey back to myself, as Johnny has battled for his life. My life has been through a transition of growing in grace, but only because I allowed God to step in and show me the way. I have gone through all the stages of denial, anger, walking forward, taking three steps back ward, getting up from my knees, and somehow have kept moving in my spirit. It could only be grace.

Tonight we watched the premier episode of “Friday Night Lights” on TV. The coach was trying to help an injured player named “Smash” make a comeback after an injury that sideswiped his life. He was giving up because he didn’t believe he could do it. Coach finally told “Smash,” his destiny was waiting in front of him, and that he would do everything he could to help him, until he achieved his dream, but “Smash” had TO WANT IT. Coach said the only thing he couldn’t do for him is MAKE HIM WANT IT.

My heavenly coach has been patiently waiting for me to get over myself this past year. He has been waiting for me to allow Him to call the gameplan and make the plays He tells me too. I saw my time was running out as I watched Johnny grow weaker and weaker. I realized I had no choice, but to step up to the plate and change positions with Johnny. It was a 2 minute warning and I grabbed the ball just in time.

If you had told me a year ago I would be in charge of our lives, I never would have believed it. But tonight Johnny smiled at me from where he lay on the couch as he watched me tending the fire, adding new logs, doing what he used to do. I patiently follow his instructions, not only in firetending, but in tending to our lives in all areas. He has spent the last year teaching me how to be strong and unafraid of any situation.

After I placed the screen back in place he told me how proud he was of me for becoming strong again. He told me we really have made a good team during our life. I agreed but now I realize what its like to be the quarterback. I have always been the woman behind the successful man. He always made it look easy. Now it is my turn to take the lead.

Now I take care of him. I handle all business. I finally understand our investments. I battle the insurance company. I handle our legal affairs. I plunge the toilets. I change the water cooler. I turn on the all the faucets outside on freezing nights. I haul in all the potted flowers to save them from the freeze. I take out the garbage. I kill the fire ants. I turn on the lights outside at night. I turn them off at morningtime. I lock up to secure the house. I build fires. I keep track of all medical appointments. I take him to Mayo Clinic every week. I barbecue on the grill. I do all the endless things he used to do that I took for granted.

The only thing I don’t do is hold the remote. I will never ever take that away from him.

We all have a moment of reckoning when we have to make a decision to sink or swim in life. Only we can choose for ourselves. Our friends and family can support us and encourage us to be everything we were meant to be, but they cannot do it for us.

The first step is the hardest and the scariest. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other. But here’s a secret. Once we decide we WANT to, we CANNOT do it with our own human power. Trust me. It is a futile effort no matter how much you want it, unless you let God in, to help you pave the way with HIS power.

Only HE can revive you. Only HE can save you from your greatest enemy – which is always yourself. Only HE can take our weakness and make it strength. We must surrender ourselves. The moment I did this and decided to trust God to do the impossible, I could feel mountains move in my spirit. That peace that surpasses all understanding filled me with an indescribable hope that I could conquer anything.

What is your mountain? I am here to tell you that when you allow the grace to flow, there is nothing that can happen that you and God can’t handle together. Living a life without fear is a heaven on earth. I wish each of you the joy of resurrection, through the power of He who was resurrected for us so many years ago. If I can do it you can do it to. So run don’t walk, to the blessings that are waiting for you. Say YES to God and begin to live the life of your dreams.

Beautiful Blessings!

Rene

Counting The Blessings of Friendship

2009-01-16T12:00:00.000-05:00

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” - Proverbs 17:17

One of the treasures you discover in a crisis situation, is the crowning jewels of friendship. I was reflecting this morning, with a heart full of gratitude, on the joy our friends have brought to us during our current trials. You never really understand the value of friends sometimes, until your world is turned upside down. When the dust settles, your true friends are the ones left standing beside you no matter what.

I wish I could express to each of them, just how much their friendship means. But words cannot describe the magnitude of what I want to convey. It is more than I could ever say. Friends become “brothers” in every sense of the word in times of trouble. They are more valuable than any precious stone. When the going gets tough, your friends get going to rally by your side and share the journey.

I came across a beautiful poem this morning, from my collection of poems over the years. The author is unknown. But the words are known, in every heart of someone who has had a true friend. I would like to share it with you now.

Friends That Count

The friends that love us always,
In the good times and the bad;
The friends that love us always
Are the friends that keep us glad.

The friends that cling in tempest
As they do in calms, are those
That make the paths of hardship
Seem the paths of song and rose.

The friends that love us always,
When we go their way or not,
Are the friends our hearts remember
When the others are forgot.

The friends that stick the closest
When the trouble grows the worst;
The friends that love us always,
Just the way they did at first-

They are the crowning jewels
Of the coronets we weave
In the dream of tender moments
When the troubles start to leave.

We revere their names forever
And we see their faces clear.
The friends that love us always,
Whether sun or shadow’s near.

Don’t you love it? How perfectly true are those words. The thing about friends is this. They don’t have to “do anything.” They just have to be there. Right now we have so much love and support from our friends and family. They are ready at a moment’s notice to do whatever it takes to help us. It takes my breath away to be surrounded by such kindness.

I know as things progress with Johnny’s situation, I will need them more and more. Right now, their phone calls, their visits, their letters and their emails give us incredible strength to face whatever is in front of us. I do not fear what is ahead of me, because I know my friends are there, waiting to help our family fight the good fight.

Friends come in all shapes and sizes and genders. But through this incredible journey, we have discovered a new kind of friendship beyond our wildest imagination. Strangers that we never knew before have joined us on this journey. When we initially put out a rally call to everyone we knew, for prayers and support, we were unprepared for the deluge that came flowing to us.

All our friends and family rallied everyone they knew, who rallied everyone they knew, and it just went on and on. We had also specifically requested people write “snail mail” to Johnny, so he would receive mail and look forward each day to walking to the mailbox. The cards and letters and postcards began pouring in by the dozens each day. Now, over six months later, there is always a letter waiting for Johnny in the mailbox each day. And the beauty of this is, the letters mostly come from people we have never met.

I am amazed at the wondrous ways God can bring people together, and form friendships through the spirit of Christ that unites us all. Friends DO love at all times, and DO become “brothers” in the face of adversity. They absolutely are the most precious gifts in life that we must treasure. “Things” don’t matter. Friends matter. Friends count.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts to all our friends out there, that lift us up on their shoulders to help us through this valley. I do see that “one set of footprints in the sand” when I look down. I know it is our sweet Lord walking through each of you, and carrying us to His victory.

Today I wish each of you the blessings of having true friends. Remember, the best way to have a friend is to BE a friend.

Beautiful blessings,

Rene

Finding The Way To Forgiveness

2009-01-15T12:46:00.001-05:00

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will forgive you” - Matthew 6:14

It takes a lot to take a smile off my face. If you’ve been following the blog for the last six months, on our journey through my husband Johnny’s battle with stage 4 terminal lung cancer, you know that no matter how trying the circumstances, I look for the rainbow of God’s grace in every situation.

Yesterday my faith was really put to the test. I’m not sure what “grade” God would give me on this test because I “lost my cool” in the situation in a fit of anger. Even though the situation was resolved by the grace of God, I really had to struggle with unforgiveness. But God works in mysterious ways. I tried to write my blog last night to tell you all about the situation but one thing after another kept getting in the way of my writing. I think God was helping me TOTALLY get the forgiveness thing firmly planted in my heart so I could authentically reflect his message on this matter, in the words I bring to you.

Here’s what happened. I went to fill Johnny’s new prescription yesterday that our doctor had written the day before for Oxycontin. Johnny had one pill left in the bottle at home. He currently is on a pain management regimen of 2 pills every 12 hours. The doctor increased the pill count in the bottle to 180 pills, allow for possible 3 pills per dose if increased pain required it.

His next dose was coming up yesterday evening. I had driven out of my way to another drugstore because our usual one (who shall remain nameless) was out of the generic brand. Our health insurance company refuses to pay for the name brand. I even considered going ahead and paying the cost for the namebrand and biting the bullet on the difference, just to avoid having to run all over town to get the meds in time

That was until they told me the price would be $737 for one bottle. My temperature started to rise at this point, thinking about how unfair it is that the drug companies have the audacity to charge such outrageous prices and the average person in this country cannot really AFFORD to be sick. But off I drove headed to the out of the way store, so I would not have to wait a day or two for our usual drugstore to refill their coffers.

I drove up to the new drive-thru window and asked them to fill it immediately due to the circumstances of coming out of my way. They said no problem, to wait and they would fill it immediately. Things were looking good. That is, until they came back a moment later and told me that the insurance company was refusing the order. My mouth dropped. I asked what the problem was. They told me they needed to get the doctors approval for the order. I responded that they were holding a prescription in their hand and how much more approval did they need?

Then they explained that apparently the “drug benefits” in our plan had run out and the insurance company would have to go through a red tape process of having the doctor “apply for approval of extension of benefits.” This involved the insurance company having to get in touch with the doctor and getting information and this process would take days. Up goes my temperature again!

I told them that this was totally unacceptable. In my mind I am computing the cost of our insurance at $18,000 a year and multiplying it by ten years that we have had it with this company, which adds up to about $180,000 we have paid them over the years and how dare they have the nerve to interfere with our doctors decision and interrupt my husband’s pain care so they could get through all their red tape? Hold me back Lord! I’m about to blow!

The drugstore told me it might help if I called the doctor myself to speed up the process. They gave me the number to give the doctor to call. I took down the number and asked them if I could call this number also. They told me no one had ever down this before but it couldn’t hurt to try. I prayed for the person that was about to receive my phone call at this number. They were about to receive the wrath of Rene Williams with a “mad-on!”

I pulled around in the parking lot and parked to make the phone call after I made the call to the doctor with the information first. The voice on the other end that answered asked me if they could have my ID number. I told them they MAY NOT because I had one general question that I wanted one general answer to and I wanted that answer NOW. I explained that I would try to remain as calm as possible but they would have to forgive the mounting frustration in my voice because I was furious.

I first asked what in the heck was I paying $1,500 a month for, if I could not get the services and the medicine that my doctor prescribed, that they promised to provide in return. I explained how the drugstore was unable to fill the prescription because their “company,” which,by the way, was not my insurance company, but a “contracted” company handling the benefits apparently. I got the pat scripted response from the lady who informed me of the benefits problem and how she would have to “start a new case”to see about extending the benefits.

I asked “just who is treating my husband? You or the doctor?” I explained the regimen he was on and how his next dose was coming up and I didn’t care about all the red tape procedures. I told her SHE could go home and tell my husband who was laying in bed in pain after an exhausting chemo session that he wasn’t going to get his pain meds!

I said “Madame? I am appealing to you from one human heart to another to do something about this and do it now because I am not leaving this drugstore until you start this case and finish this case right here and now.” I explained all the above mentioned circumstances. By the grace of God I reached her. She told me to hold on and she would get her supervisor to see if an exception could be made.

By this tine almost an hour has gone by in the back and forth while I am on hold and she periodically is coming back on the line telling me of the progress and how they are talking with the doctor on the other line yada yada. AS I’m waiting in the car on hold I start talking God.

I began reciting Psalm 91 over and over and over. Thank goodness I have learned it by heart. Now I can use it as a weapon with the sword of the spirit going to work on my behalf and resolving this situation. Here is an important point about why we should implant God’s word in our heart by memory. You never know when you are going to battle and need it on the spot and I did not have my bible with me!

Finally the lady comes back on the line and tells me everything has been approved and that I can drive back around to the drive through and pick up the meds. By now an hour and a half has passed. So I drive around and say “Its me again!” and tell the girl at the window everything has been approved and II give her the name of the person that instructed me to pick up the medicine.

She goes to process it and asks me “are you sure they didn’t tell you there would be a delay? Its not in the computer. I replied, totally exhausted by now “don’t even go there.” So there I sit for another round in this battle while the store makes more calls to this company. The cars are piling up behind me in line. I ask her if she wants me to move to help the other customers but suddenly they get the approval – except for one thing. They are not allowed to fill the entire amount because the drug company says we are filling it too soon.

OK. Now I am at exploding point. I tell her that is unacceptable because the doctor has increased the dosage and that will not be enough if he has to take three at a time and the bottle will run out sooner, if he does need the extra amount and we will be dealing with the same issue when it is time for refill again and that our doctor prescribed a determined amount and that I WANTED IT FILLED AS ORDERED!

They said that would require more phone calls back to this company. Is it me, or is there something wrong with this grand picture? I told them to make those phone calls and I would pull around and NOW GET OUT AND COME IN while they did, but I was not leaving until I got what the doctor ordered for my husband.

So I come in the store and they make the more phone calls and finally tell me the company will not budge and that’s all I can have for today. I finally give up in exhaustion and tell them ok give me what ever, just so I can get the medicine to him. I will bite the bullet on the 48 pilkls we cannot have and deal with all later. They say fine I say “what is the amount due?” as I pull out my check book. They reply “oh now we have to process the order. It will be another 10-15 minutes.”

I tell them “I have been her 2 hours now. Cant you JUST THROW SOME PILLS IN THE BOTTLE AND LET ME GO HOME?” NO deal. I must wait my turn in line. So at that pint I just give up and fall exhausted into the waiting chair and resign myself to give up and just wait in peace. 10 minutes later I get the order and go home.

Whew! It is exhausting just to retell this story! But the end of this story is the beginning of my journey in finding the way to forgiveness on this matter. It took me a long time to regroup and get rid of my anger and get my equilibrium back. Once I got home and tended to Johnny, who still had not left the bed since the chemo on Tuesday, I walked downstairs and headed for my bible.

I needed God to talk to me and set me right, to be one with, the same as, and in tune with God’s thought on the matter. How do I forgive in an unforgivable and unfair situation? I prayed for God to lead me to the light in the matter. This is why I reach for my bible each day. I feel like the more time you spend in reading the bible, the better you get to understand God’s language. This is how He speaks to our hearts – through HIS WORD. Through HIS LANGUAGE.

The more we read and study what He is trying to tell us – the more gets planted in our hearts as a foundation of our faith. It makes our faith stronger. It makes grace abound. It releases all the gifts He has waiting for us. When we are instructed to immerse ourselves in the word it is not supposed to be a drudgery assignment. It is intended as a place we can meet God everyday and spend time with Him by getting to know Him.

This is how we place our problems in His hands knowing that HE can make a way where there is no way. Last night HE made a way for me to find forgiveness, I was led to Colossians 3:12-15. He makes it abundantly clear that the only way to peace ruling again in our hearts is through forgiving as Christ has forgiven us.

It emphatically states: “if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also MUST DO.” So there it is. I must rest and “give up the ghost” of unforgiveness. No bones about it. Just do it. I must trust that GOOD will come out of this situation but not until I give it up to God to handle.

And now I believe that good is on the way. I am watching for it to arrive. My heart is at peace. I have renewed my trust that God is in control. That applies to EVERYTHING. It is all or nothing. And so I slept good last night. I woke up refreshed in the spirit because my burden had been removed.

Do you have a situation that requires forgiveness in your life? It also tells us elsewhere in the bible that bitterness is a poison that will destroy you little by little. I believe that unforgiveness hurts YOU more than it hurts the person or situation you cannot forgive. So I encourage each of you to deal with unforgiveness immediately for your own sake. Set your spirit free. Get into God’s words and let him speak to your heart.

God wants us to live a life of joy – no matter what the circumstance. So I wish for each of you – a heart that is happy and free from whatever separates you from the joy of God. Every moment counts. Deal with it now. Live the life God designed for you and follow the path to peace. The Chinese have a saying that “the journey of a thousands miles begins with one step.” I hope you will make your first step today.

Beautiful Blessings!

Rene

The Apple of Our Father's Eye

2009-01-14T00:51:00.000-05:00

“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name” - Matthew 6:1

Seeing the river on the horizon that Johnny will be crossing over one day soon, can be a daunting thing to deal with. Thank goodness our Lord is here with us holding my hand, Johnny’s hand, and Scarlett’s hand. Especially my sweet Scarlett. She is who I worry about more. Johnny has the courage of a warrior. I have the strength that comes from years of wisdom and overcoming many other trials. But my sweet Scarlett is the apple of Johnny’s eye. She is “Daddy’s little girl”and all that that implies. She has a fragile heart that adores the man who has been the only true love of her life.

Will another man ever be able to love her as tenderly as her Father has? I hope so. Because he will have big shoes to fill. Johnny has never been a perfect man. But he has been a perfect Daddy. He calls her “HIS LITTLE BUNKINS” or his “girl baby.” Trust me. That’s movin on up from his first nickname for her when she was a baby.

In her early diaper days (for the record he changed ONE diaper I can remember) he had to babysit one time and she messed her diaper. He drove 20 miles to his nearest friend, Gary Lourcey, so Gary’s wife could change her. During those days he started calling her “fart-blossom.” I had to put my foot down there. That was not even REMOTELY cute and I didn’t want the nickname to STICK! (Excuse the pun.)

We decided when she was born that we would do everything we could to foster her gifts – whatever they were – to help her find her own path in life. We wanted her to maximize her greatest potential for happiness. I think this was especially important to Johnny because his dreams were dashed, at a young age, of having a professional basketball career. He didn’t have the kind of family support to help him overcome obstacles and keep him pointed in the right direction.

No one in his family had attended college. Johnny had started at Chipola College in Marianna, Florida but got detoured due to injuries and family circumstances. I think he always regretted it. He wanted to lead the way and leave a good legacy for his family’s name. His path took a detour for many years until Scarlett came along.

Scarlett was and still is his pride and joy. He has beamed as he has watched her bloom and grow over the years. Though she has many of my creative and artistic qualities, he is thrilled to see his own part of her that comes from only him. From Johnny she got a fighting spirit and a competitiveness in life to be the best at whatever she tackles. They are both zealous in whatever they undertake and they are great finishers.

They both attack everything they do with a passion for excellence. They both have hearts of gold but the memory of an elephant if you ever cross them. They both love deeply. They both laugh hard and cry hard. They both are not afraid to step outside the box and do things differently from anyone else. This is part of their secrets of success in the business world. The both see beyond the smoke and mirrors of things to the heart of the matter.

Johnny has made sure Scarlett understands the beauty of her Southern heritage. He greatly admired the qualities of his own relatives and their pride in their land and culture. He remembers when the local radio stations used to sign off with the song Dixie.” He remembers his school teachers recounting stories of local ancestors from the Civil War. He remembers a people bound together through values that seem to be fading with the wind.

Things like when a man’s word and handshake meant something. Or how everyone had a “garden” which was really an acre or two of seasonal vegetables and they shared them with each other. It was the kind of community where everyone watched out for each other and each other’s children. He remembers running out of gas miles away from home and knocking on someone’s door for help. They would reply “Oh yeah! You are Bernice’s boy!” This also applied to getting in trouble with mischief. There were no secrets in Jackson county!

Things like this are what Johnny wanted so much to pass down to Scarlett. Character counts. Your word counts. Your reputation counts. Church is important. Honor your elders. Work hard. Make a difference. Don’t owe anybody.

It sounds a lot like what our Heavenly Father tries to teach us. We too, are the “apple of His eye.” He sees us for what we truly are and tries to show us how special we are to Him by revealing our true nature – which is His nature. We don’t have to “get” anything – it is already there. We simply have to claim it. How simple is that?

Need courage? He tells us He has given us a spirit of power already to overcome ANYTHING. Need prosperity? He tells us we are already prosperous and gives us the path to discover what we already possess if we follow His instructions to it. Need love? We are love – because He lives inside our hearts.

We think like God. We look like God. We act like God. We are God in action. So take a look in God’s mirror if you are searching for the “real you.” You will see your true reflection of everything you inherited from your Heavenly Father in the greatest mirror of all – the Holy Bible. You will see the “apple of God’s eye” and all that you already are.

Just as Scarlett’s Daddy adores her – our Heavenly Daddy adores each and every one of us in uniquely different and wonderful ways. He too wants us to be all that we were created to be. Scarlett will always carry her Daddy in her heart, despite any physical separation that may come, and Johnny will live on through her in all he taught her.

Let us carry God on in the same way by accepting our inheritance and listening to everything He tries to teach us – which is always for our very best.

Beautiful Blessings!

Rene

Amazing Grace How Sweet The Sound

2009-01-10T20:58:00.002-05:00

“I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continuously be in my mouth” - Psalm 34:1

Good news! The patch has kicked in! Thursday Johnny woke up from a nap and proclaimed “I don’t feel the nausea!” He wasn’t quite ready to eat but at least his stomache was not queasy. I told him not to worry – one step before the other. Just savor the moment of freedom from the pain. I can’t imagine what is worse – the pain in the side or the feeling constantly like you might throw up.

He took another nap and woke up with an appetite. Mind you, at this point it was the third day since we had applied the patch to his arm to fight the nausea and we were giving up hope that it would work. Since Sunday he had only consumed the equivalent of 1 apple and a popsicle or two. He was still on the other nausea pills waiting for the patch to take effect.

So the big moment was here and I asked him what he wanted to eat. His answer was steak and lobster. I had to laugh. Only my Johnny. From eating like a pauper to eating like a king. He has never ceased to amaze me all my life so why stop now. I grabbed the car keys and made a beeline for the nearby Outback Restaurant. The smallest meal we could get was the earlybird $9.99 special – a 6oz steak and he chose a small salad and a sweet potato for the sides, along with the petite lobster tail. As Scarlett would say – I “worked that traffic” racing home with the bounty for my baby!

I cut the steak and lobster tail up in tiny little pieces so it would be easier to digest. He ate almost all the steak and finished off the lobster. Yippee! But that was it. He was full. He wanted to save the sweet potato for later. I gave him some papaya tablets to help him digest the meal. Then he had a piece of homemade chocolate candy that our neighbor Brenda made for us over the holidays. Success! Day one of eating again. No nausea pills necessary.

Then yesterday he requested King Crab legs. There goes my baby again. Its zero to sixty or nothing at all (a reference from his drag racing days – a story for another day.) He wanted fresh corn on the cob with okra and tomatoes. I made him homemade buttermilk biscuits to go with it. I’m sad to report that it’s been so long since I made him biscuits and I was racing to get it done that I knew when I was mixing the batter that the biscuits would be too heavy and they were. You can’t win them all.

He ate the leftover sweet potatoes last night and had had a half egg sandwich yesterday morning. So we were building momentum and he was getting more alert (and sassy) with each hour. I loved seeing the ole Johnny coming back.

But this morning I saw the frown on his face. Slight queasiness was returning. He had to resume taking the pills again along with the patch (so much for getting our $135 of nausea relief that is supposed to last 5-7 days) he couldn’t eat until around 4pm. But he did eat a “crab salad sandwich” I made from the leftover crab yesterday and a sliver or two of cheese. And just awhile ago he ate a fudgesicle.

But he still takes it slow – most of the day spent on the couch. Thank goodness for continued basketball and football games to give him something to focus on. I asked him if he wanted to take a shower and he is too tired to. So we continue to walk with baby steps forward. His next scheduled chemo day is next Tuesday. That gives him two more days to develop strength. He winces at the thought of it. I cringe. But he insists on still fighting. We will see.

I gave him a manicure yesterday. He needs a beard trim. Though it has shape, the hair is growing long and getting in his way when he drinks and eats. I might take him to the barber shop. right before next Tuesday. Hopefully his strength will be at its best then.

So praise the Lord! He gives us just enough light for the step we are on. In the bible when God rained manna on the people for sustenance He only gave them enough for one day. They had to trust Him that more would be on the way the next morning. This is the walk of faith we are on right now. We say “Yes Lord! Yes Lord!” with every step. It is a very strange place to exist indeed. It is that place where all you have to hang on to is God. We never know what the next moment brings.

But, what we DO know is that God has brought us this far, and as we rely more and more on His promises to take care of us, He gives us more and more grace to handle anything. I think THAT is the key to unlocking His gifts of grace. You never truly learn to trust God until you have nothing else to rely on. What we find is that God stands there with armfuls of gifts waiting to give to us. Everytime we say to Him “I trust you” he hands us another gift with delight.

There are so many ways to say “I trust you” to God. It is music to His ears. I find that the most important way is to praise Him continuously. No matter what the circumstances are that surrounds us, no matter how bleak things look, we MUST REMEMBER that God can make a way where there is no way. Get your eyes off the world and get your eyes BACK ON GOD. He is the one in control. Get out of the driver’s seat and let God steer your life. All things will only lead to good for those who love the Lord.

So today I wish each of you that gift of grace. Unwrap your present and you will find that with God you can handle any situation. But first you have to pull the ribbon off by praising Him every second, every minute, every hour and every day. God bless you all with amazing grace, now and forever!

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

The Winds of Change

2009-01-07T13:53:00.001-05:00

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” - Jeremiah 29:11-13

God is so good. The winds of change swept in this morning to refresh our hearts and souls. I can just feel the prayers being prayed around us, and the results bring me so much joy. I wanted to write as quickly as possible and share it with you. I have been praising God all morning. Too often we only cry out when our hearts are hurting and when things get better we put God on the back burner again. Giving thanks is just as important as prayer requests.

I knew it was going to be a good day after my morning prayer walk with Lucky, my canine angel (who miraculously arrived on my doorstep out of the blue 9 years ago.) Remind me to tell you about Lucky sometime and how she appeared in our life one day. It truly was a miracle. She looks like the old Hollywood Benji dog but guards us like a pit bulldog.

On our walk this morning a beautiful hawk swooped down to visit us and perched about 30 feet from me on a house ledge I was passing. It was about a foot tall. I was whistling at the moment he arrived in full spread wing slendor before he perched. I just knew it was God sending me another bird to give me a sign of my continuing miracle from Christmas 2004. So I stopped and wished him “namaste’ (the God within me salutes the God within you) and stood there reveling in this wonderful manifestation of God’s beauty.

It was a breezy and glorious walk. I got back home just before the rains came to wash the air, nourish the flowers and trees and grass and cleanse my soul. I walked upstairs to find Johnny awake and alert. God had heard my cry for his resurrection – if only for a moment. We are learning to take one day at a time. I thank God for every moment that Johnny feels good.

We got his pills taken and he drank some Gatorade and sat up on the bed for awhile. He decided that he felt good enough to try to get up today and take a shower and attempt to go downstairs. But one baby step at a time. He needed to lay back down to rally the strength to carry through the events to come. It’s funny how we take for granted the effort it takes to do what most of us consider small things. So I opened the windows in our bedroom so he could see the trees outside from our second story view. The rain had stopped. I made sure he was comfortable and headed out for my solitary health walk I have been doing daily as part of my new year’s resolutions.

When I cam back up our front walk the roses were blooming by our front porch so I stopped and smelled them. They smelled heavenly sweet so I darted in quickly to grab the scissors and cut one for Johnny to smell. I put it in a little wine glass full of water and took it up to him. He was waiting for me awake and smiling. He was ready for his shower. So together we got him undressed and showered and back in fresh, crisp lounge clothes. He brushed his teeth and looked like a new person not the one I had seen the last few days.

He felt as good as he could for the moment. So we made the trek downstairs with me ahead of him in case he stumbled. He settled in his recliner and asked for the remote. That’s when I knew he was back. I started doing some chores and finishing up bagging the Christmas tree. Lucky wanted to go our front. Big winds have been blowing after the rain and she has to assess the situation. We walked out side together and I checked all my hanging flowers on the veranda for water.

At that moment ANOTHER hawk swooped down in front of me making a lovely glide across our yard. I know God when I see HIM. That’s when I realized I needed to come write about answered prayer.

Jeremiah tells us so beautifully, that God wants nothing more for us than peace, a good future and hope. It is so coincidental that I was praying for peace last night knowing that the only way I could find it was to BE THE PEACE THAT I WAS SEEKING. I prayed my Psalm 91 as I was falling asleep and placing my total trust in HIM. I called upon Him through the Word. I chose to exchange my distress over Johnny for HIS promises to me through the word.

This is how I seek Him with all my heart. This is how I find peace. This is how I find God. Just like when my own father used to tuck me in to bed at night and when I was afraid he told me everything was alright. I believed him. I trusted him. I slept without fear. It is the same with God, our heavenly Father.

All we have is the moment. I don’t know what the next moment holds but I don’t worry about it. Because I know God will be there, with me, and watching over me. If I can “be still and know that He is God” I will be alright. And so will Johnny. For I know HE has good plans for us. Not just in this life but for eternity. HE is my refuge. HE is my fortress. HE is my God in whom I trust.

Thank You Lord for a good day today. I ask Him to bless each one of you reading with this same peace.

Beautiful Blessings to you all,

Rene

Praying for Peace

2009-01-07T00:54:00.000-05:00

“My peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” - John 14:27

Johnny had another chemo yesterday and this time has been an especially rocky road. I now have to roll him into Mayo in a wheelchair. He is simply too weak to walk far. He weighed in at 153 pounds with his tennis shoes on. His constant state of nausea is uncontrollable. It prevents him from being able to eat hardly anything. The doctor did prescribe a patch for nausea that has just been approved for release on the market.

I picked it up today at the drugstore. They had to order it. I had to ask the pharmacist to repeat himself when he told me it cost $400 and only lasts 5 days. The insurance paid for part of it and left us with a $135 balance. Is it me or are the drug companies out of control?

You can do the math and figure our expense if we have to keep him on this non-stop. Not that money is an issue at all when it comes to doing whatever it takes for his comfort and pain, but I feel like the drug companies prey upon the helpless, because they know we will sell the shirt off our back to help ones we love in distress. I confess that this is a real challenge to my peace.

However, all I can do is to keep my eyes on the Lord and keep his WORD planted in me that tells me to not let my heart be troubled. There is no other choice. Well, there is but I have to hold myself back from letting my protective instincts rear their ugly head when my family is threatened or taken advantage of when they are vulnerable. If I was not a Christian I could seriously hurt somebody. You know what they say about “hell hath no fury like a woman’s wrath!”

And so I bite my tongue as I watch over Johnny suffering in anguish, his body wasting away from his robust 215-220 pounds that he used to be to a frail, bony shell of a man. Today he never got out of bed. I had to reassure him it was alright to just release the need to do anything but try to heal. I knew he’d never make it back up the steps today if he went downstairs. Not today. So he just sighed with relief and surrendered to it and slept all day.

On the way out of Mayo yesterday, as I rolled him down the hall he suddenly flailed his arms in desperation. A wave of nausea hit him suddenly. By the grace of God we were passing a trash can and I threw everything off his lap trying to secure the wheelchair quickly so he could step out safely. He stumbled to the can puking on the way, but managed to grab the can quickly. It was the end of the day and not many people were around. But the few people that passed, stopped to help us and a volunteer brought us a cup of water and a bag in case we had another incident on the way home.

Now he is struggling with being able to reach the bathroom in time when those “gotta go” moments hit. We had to take measures to protect his clothes and the bed. I also need to buy a shower chair now to help him when he bathes. He didn’t protest at all when I mentioned it. I did get him to eat a popsicle today and take a few sips of Gatorade and water.

The good news is that by the end of the day he said he didn’t feel nausea. Hallelujah on that note. I told him maybe if he can get a good night’s sleep his appetite might be restored some tomorrow and that would help him to eat more and regain some strength in general.

Whew! Thank God the Lord is my shepherd and walking with us through this current valley! I can’t imagine going this alone without Him. I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. My prayer tonight is that He will also give Johnny some strength to make it day by day. Johnny never complains. I hope he will rally and be able to watch the Gator game on Thursday. The past week of football marathons really gave him something to look forward to each day.

It’s past midnight now and my eyes are blinking as I write. I just checked on him again and his voice sounds better. I’ve been doing laundry all day and taking down the Christmas tree. I am hoping that “tomorrow will be another day” filled with hope and resurrection.

Though I am tired I will recite Psalm 91 out loud as I fall asleep and continue to thank God for all the good in our lives knowing that, though there are tough times, they never last – but tough cookies do! Our trials always lead to blessings. Our hope is alive and well that God the Father is in control. I will continuously praise the Lord no matter what. His faithfulness is my shield and buckler. Goodnight God! Blessings to all. We covet your prayers.

In His Love,

Rene

New Year's Resolutions!

2009-01-02T01:12:00.001-05:00

“Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised.” – Proverbs 31:30

Here we are on the first day of the year – the annual chance for new beginnings! I’m sitting here reflecting on all the changes in the past year that have changed me, and looking forward to the future through a different lense than I ever have before. The one thing I have learned through this past year’s journey with Johnny is that EVERY MOMENT COUNTS! We do not have the luxury of time to waste, because we just really never know when that time will be over.

I am determined to live this year in a new way. I’m making a long “bucket list” of experiences I want to enjoy before my life is over. But that is just a part of my new appreciation for living. The most important part is giving my vital attention to my true purpose for being here. And frankly, I have come to realize, it is all about serving the Lord in my minute to minute walk with Him.

I think, as a Christian woman, we have a uniquely beautiful and powerful role to play in bringing the message of Christ to the world. We are women of influence as Mothers and Wives and share so much responsibility for shaping the lives of our families and communities that surround us. WE bring loveliness to the world. My grandmother has a favorite saying, “Beauty is as beauty does!”

This year my biggest goal is to become a more beautiful Christian woman by acting more like Christ, in all I do. I have made a list of what I call my “BEAUTY B’s” that I am posting on my mirror to remind me each morning of what I want to BE everyday. Here is my alphabetical (because it helps me memorize it) list of traits that I believe define a Christian woman and all she should be to shine that light bright!

THE BEAUTY B’S

BE Authentic – the real me is who you see!

BE Benevolent - one good turn deserves another

BE Compassionate – walk a mile in someone else’s shoes

BE Determined – I will never give up never!

BE Expressive – have I told you lately I love you?

BE Forgiving – 7 X 7 X 7 X & 7

BE Gracious - it just takes a little more to go first class!

BE Healthy – you are what you eat

BE Inspirational - lead and others follow

BE Joyful - live love laugh and be happy!

BE Kind – if the choice is to be right or be kind – be kind

BE Loving - whatever the question love is the answer

BE Merciful - always give the benefit of the doubt

BE Nice – it takes more muscles to frown than smile

BE Optimistic – your choice every morning – be happy

BE Prayerful - make your life a living prayer

BE Quiet - spend more time talking to God

BE Romantic - stop and smell the roses!

BE Strong - tough times never last but tough cookies do

BE Thankful - music to God’s ears!

BE Unflinching - close your eyes and hold on

BE Victorious - press on until you cross the finish line!

BE Wise - learn the lessons from mistakes

BE Young - the only way to enter the kingdom of heaven

BE Zealous - zap somebody to day with some Christian love!

Happy 2009 to each of you! May all your dreams come true!

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Happy New Year !

2008-12-31T22:45:00.000-05:00

“Greet one another with a holy kiss” - 2 Corinthians 13:12

It’s a few hours before midnight rings in the new year 2009. Johnny has been sleeping on and off all day on the couch and finally woke and went to bed upstairs. The firecrackers are popping all around us. The moon is uniquely beautiful tonight framed in a hazy mist with just a sliver of a crescent shining against a dark circle next to a single shining star.

It is a haunting sight between the shadows of the live oak trees that are silhouettes lighted by the moon. It is a unique masterpiece painted in brilliant strokes of amazing grace by HIS mighty hand. To me it is a message of beautiful brightness in the darkness. It is a beacon of hope that 2009 will be a year of many blessings.

I say that having absolutely no idea what the future holds for us. This is the first New Year’s Eve where I look forward in blind trust in the Lord because I know that there are storms ahead on the way to rainbows. There are going to be “walking on water moments” where I know I will be reaching out to grab God’s hand and not looking down. But I am able to keep hope alive because I know that all problems are blessings in disguise. God is always teaching us more about HIM through trials.

That’s why this midnight I will be up to greet the new year and sing God’s praises despite the circumstances and toast the coming year ahead with a shout. This year however, I will be toasting alone. Johnny is too weak to stay up. He simply is not eating much. The nausea continues to plague him. Yesterday when we went to Mayo for an appointment I had to push him in a wheelchair.

He barely made it up the stairs tonight. I may have to make him a permanent bed downstairs soon. I’m not sure he’ll be ready to do chemo again on Monday if things continue this way. I simply pray that God will direct us according to HIS will for the situation. It is hard to watch Johnny suffer. Get to work angels and keep that tight hedge around my baby! HE has given you charge over my sweetheart!

New Year’s Day, I am making the traditional pot of greens for prosperity and black eyed peas for good luck with some Hoover’s cornbread fried in a skillet. My precious friend Debi and hubby Mark are bringing a wonderful surprise gift – a pick up truck full of chopped wood! Yay! Someone to share the meal with! And receiving the abundance of a friend’s kindness on the first day of the year. That’s my idea of a good start!

Johnny loves a good fire too, so the wood is a perfect gift. I made him one last night even though it wasn’t cold. I believe there is healing power watching the flames. He graciously shared his “secrets of the master” and taught me the art of building and stoking a fire all night long over the past few months, so I am quite the expert now. I also am learning to conquer the BBQ grill thanks to those nifty little individual charcoal bags you simply toss underneath the rack and lite.

Tonight at midnight I will be standing outside on my veranda lifting my glass of French champagne to the sky, flanked by my faithful canine companions Lucky and grand-pup Rhett under sparkling white Christmas lights. I will be toasting our awesome God in thanks for another year. I will be toasting everyone I love. I will be toasting old friends and new friends. I will be toasting all of you in thanks for your loving support of our family through this current crisis. I will also be asking God’s blessing on each of you and your own circumstances.

But most importantly – a special thanks to you all for showing such love to my husband. He is absolutely overwhelmed by your attention and demonstration of the Christian spirit. It has brought him and all of us to new levels in our faith. It is so comforting to know we do not make this journey alone. We not only see God’s footprints when we look down – we see all of your footprints that are indelibly etched in our hearts forever. God bless each and every one of you.

Happy New Year from the Williams Family!

A Day After Christmas Surprise

2008-12-27T10:29:00.000-05:00

“I will praise You with my whole heart;

Before the gods I will sing praises to You.

I will worship toward Your holy temple,

And praise Your name

For Your loving kindness and Your truth;

For You have magnified Your word

Above all Your name.

In the day when I cried out,

You answered me,

And made me bold,

With strength in my soul”

Psalm 138:1-3

T’was the day AFTER Christmas and God gave us a BONUS BLESSING!!!!!

For the first time in quite awhile, Johnny woke up feeling good.

He had made it through Christmas day and my parents visit for dinner but only with great strength and effort. He missed out on the tasty fried turkey a friend had brought over to provide for our meal. All he could eat was a spoonful or two.

I helped him dress in a “Christmas outfit” downstairs because he was too weak to walk upstairs and change. His frail body is getting even frailer. Tear filled my eyes as I helped him pull his pants up his legs. He used to have sexy, muscular legs and a nice “tush” (a result of his championship basketball playing days.) Now his upper leg fits inside a ring I can make with my fingers from both hands pressed together. Now I know what “skin and bones” means.

On Christmas morning I asked him if he would hug me. With great effort he put his arms around me. His arms were there but his heart wasn’t. There was no “bear hug” squeeze like he used to do lifting my feet off the ground. I miss those bear hugs. Our kisses have become pecks on the cheeks. Because we don’t sleep together anymore we don’t have our “spoon moments” in the bed, where we press our bodies together and just become one in silent reverie of the warmth of love.

I’ve tried but it smothers him now. He gets claustrophobic feeling pressed in even if I try to tuck blankets around him for comfort. So the season of our love is taking on new dimensions as are roles change and I love him in new and different ways. I nurse him tenderly. I take on all the responsibilities of business and dealing with orchestrating his new life which revolves around frequent visits to Mayo Clinic and patient care at home.

I can feel his spirit slipping away in a sense………….that was until YESTERDAY!

He got up and had his quick sip of coffee and headed to the bathroom for his morning newspaper reading. I didn’t get to talk much yet because the cable man arrived moments later to fix my computer. Then the phone rang and it was a “blast from the past.” The familiar voice said “Do you know who this is?” It took a few moments to realize it was Johnny’s long lost cousin Yvonne who was my FSU roommate and who had introduced me to Johnny.

We talked a few minutes and I filled her in on the state of Johnny and how frail and weak he was yada yada. Then I took the phone to him when he got out of the bathroom having prepared her for the worst. Then what do I hear? I hear a BOOMING voice full of life and vim and vigor, laughing and joking and carrying on a hearty conversation. I turned around in shock and awe. Was this my Johnny? It was like a ghost from the past.

I walked upstairs to help the cable man and Scarlett was just waking up. She called me into her room and said “you wont believe the dream I just had! I heard the cableman talking and it sounded just like Daddy’s old voice!” I told her that was no dream! Daddy was back!

Later that morning I was finishing up Christmas dishes (yes, I gave myself a break the day before) at the sink washing up the last few pots and pans and Johnny surprised me by walking up behind me and slipped his arms around my waist. He hugged me and kissed the back of my neck like the old days and told me how wonderful a nurse I was to him and what a great Christmas hostess I was. He thanked me for everything I was doing in “running life” for us while he was down.

I turned around in his arms with tears in my eyes and said “Do I know You?” with a smile. We had the sweetest embrace we have had for months. I had my husband back – and I didn’t know for how long, so we made yesterday one big celebration all day long. It was better than Christmas.

He was hungry – yay! He was lighthearted. He was happy. He was mostly painfree. Yippee! He had such a great day that we poured a glass of wine for the three of us as the sun set and toasted all the things we had missed – Johnny’s birthday the week before, Scarlett’s birthday yesterday, and Jesus’s birthday!

We kept on toasting and toasting all the blessings we could think of in our lives. This may have been our best day in 2008. For a frozen moment in time we were back together as a family and as our old selves before we traveled down tragedy lane. We laughed….we sang……we watched Wheel of Fortune and I beat him like a drum!

He even stayed up late past 10:00pm to watch the last of a football game. Woo hoo! Then I tucked him tenderly into bed and kissed him goodnight. I slept good last nite for the first time in awhile.

This morning as I write this I don’t know who Johnny will be today. But I am praying for one more good day and that he feels hungry again. I wrote you that he had rallied with the new pills last week but it only lasted a few days then he was back to down and out…..hardly eating again. So we shall see what God has planned today.

But meanwhile, we thank the Lord for that “manna from heaven” He sent us for a day. Isn’t it wonderful that He gives us just enough light for the step we are on? The Lord is full of surprises as we continue to follow Him in faithfulness and wait upon Him. He never abandons us even when sometimes we get impatient. He simply reminds us to trust Him to always be provided for. Our God is an awesome God and He never ceases to amaze me.

He gives me strength to wake up each morning looking for the miracle and surprises He has in store. Thank you Lord for everything.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Whatever The Question - Love Is The Answer

2008-12-24T14:05:00.001-05:00

“And you shall love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. This is the first commandment. And the second like it is this; You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.” - Mark 12:30-31

What would you do if you were told you only had six months to live? What would you do with your time left? Last Christmas, we had no idea we would be faced with the reality of this question. We all know our day of death is inevitable, but we never really believe it is true for ourselves. And so we go on living as if we have forever.

Celebrating the birth of Christ gives whole new meaning to that question if we stop and consider the gift HE brought to the world. One word – LOVE. It is all we need to know and consider on our journey here on earth.

Having an “appointment time” for one’s imminent departure, completely changes everything about life. It brings you from a life of superficial living and mundane attention to inconsequential things, to getting serious about answering the eternal question – what am I here for? What have I accomplished or learned so far?

What you have learned is evident in how you currently live. Are you focused on the truth of our existence or caught up running in place on the never ending wheel of frustration like a gerbil in a cage. That wheel is full of a million distractions that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

What matters is love. What matters is love. What matters is love.

There I said it. Are you listening?

The whole purpose of Jesus being born was to bring the world this message. Love your Lord. Love yourself. Love your neighbor . Those commandments are intertwined – you cannot have one without the other. It’s like the old chicken and the egg question. Which came first?

Our lessons in love for the Williams family have cast a whole new light on the subject these past months on the cancer journey. This is where love comes down to the “heart of the matter” and is tested in ways I never would have imagined. It’s like a long version of life flashing before your eyes…but in this instance it is love and all its aspects we have known flashing before us.

I see all the different forms of love we have experienced throughout the years since our love began. It has grown and evolved, gone backwards and forwards, up and down. It has stretched to both extremes of good and bad. We have left it. We have come back to it. We have defined it. We have redefined it. We have multiplied it.

It has been filled with joy. It has been filled with pain. It has been filled with laughter. It has been filled with friendship. It has been filled with battles. What I have come to realize now looking back, is that all of it has lead us to the best definition of love – and this was the one Christ was trying to teach us – unconditional love.

Yes, it’s all about loving someone through the good, the bad and the ugly. Remember the old time vows of love we recited at our marriage ceremonies? For richer or poorer. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. It’s all about the commitment of love that we make to love no matter what. Love conquers everything.

But it is about more than marital love. That is simply our practice field. Then it extends to our family. Then it grows to embrace our friends. Then it grows to our neighbors and our communities. And from there we can reach out and touch the world with love.

But as Christ shows us – it begins with the greatest source of love which is our Lord. We must recognize and honor Him first. Then we can love and honor ourselves, and the chain of love keeps growing and growing.

This Christmas I hope you will give the gift of love to your life in all its glorious forms. Don’t wait until you have a deadline. Tell those you love that you love them. Show those you love that you do by making them a priority on your list of things to do. Live your life as if you knew when your time was up so you will make the most of it. This is how to make your life count.

This is the real purpose and the only purpose for being here. We are each a different blueprint of God’s love. We are all snowflakes in life. Roll us together and we can make a good snowman better than ole Frosty!

So Christmas greetings from The Williams house to all of you “jolly happy souls.” Our one wish for you in the coming year is to live, love, laugh and be happy. Then pass it on.

Christmas Blessings!

Rene, Johnny and Scarlett Williams

A Chrismas Poem by Rene

2008-12-22T20:47:00.000-05:00

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas
At Johhny and Rene’s.
The Williams were snuggled
In bed with their dreams.

Even Scarlett and Rhett
For a brief Christmas stay,
Were back in their bedroom
Like long ago days.

Dear Lucky lay ready
To guard through the night,
In the house that slept under
The Christmas star lights.

Each window had candles,
Old fashioned you know!
That shined like a beacon
Of warm Christmas glow.

The lights on the wraparound
Porch sparkled bright
Setting colorful flowers
Ablaze in the night.

The Christmas tree sparkled
A glittering pink
In Victorian splendor
That make your eyes blink!

And the dining room table
Held plenty of cheer
Holding hundreds of Christmas cards
Keeping hearts near.

But this year no presents
Lay under the tree
Except those from family
And friends we received.

For Christmas was different
In 2008.
We decided the gifts
To each other could wait.

We didn’t need Santa
To come with his sleigh
With sacks full of presents
On this Christmas day.

We knew for this daughter,
This Father and Mother,
The best gift we had for this year
Was each other.

When we wake in the morning
We’ll open our eyes
With hearts full of joy
For another sunrise.

We’ll think of the babe
In the manger that morn,
Who changed all our lives
On the day He was born.

We’ll lift up our voices
In thanks and in praise,
For giving us love
To fill all of our days.

Every day is a blessing
When trusting in Christ,
To know that He lives
In our hearts is so nice.

When we look at each other
We look at HIS face
We each are a mirror
Of heavenly grace.

This Christmas is dear for
This family of three,
Holding hands singing carols
In front of the tree.

We don’t know next Christmas
If three will be here,
So we treasure this moment
Of blessings this year.

We bid you Good Christmas
And warm family love
May blessings rain down
From the heavens above.

We hope that you’ll hold
All your loved ones real tight.
And tell them how precious
They are every night.

The gifts of the spirit
Are those that will last
Today and tomorrow
Through future and past.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The Williams Family

Holding On To Hope

2008-12-19T09:15:00.001-05:00

“Hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured into our hearts” – Romans 5:5

Christmas is drawing closer and looking back over the year I shake my head with wonder at all that has happened. Our lives have been completely transformed as the grace of God has surrounded us and led us down unexpected paths. We have traveled through the valley of death on a gripping journey but yet I can count it all as joy. Only God could have taught us how to cope with unbearable sadness and give us the strength to look beyond it and shout the victory.

But here’s the thing. We are not alone in suffering. We each have some form of unbearable sadness that we must cope with at some time during our life.. We all bear a cross that simply has a different name. My heart aches for those around me who are struggling through grief, illness, bankruptcy, loneliness, addictions, surgeries, cancer, lawsuits, unemployment, handicaps, bills, pain, fear, divorce, abuse, homelessness, etc. These are just a few of the things I pray for other people for, in my own personal prayer ministry each day.

Back in 2004 I had to find my own way to God to deal with the shock of discovering I had a deadly form of breast cancer which I did not have a great chance of surviving. I was furious with God. I was scared to death (excuse the pun.) I screamed, I ranted, I raved, I stomped my feet. I cursed. I yelled at Johnny. I broke mirrors. I acted like a spoiled rotten child. God patiently waited for me to calm down.

One night, in the still of the night, I was laying there angry at the world. I lay awake until the wee hours fuming about my plight. Finally I calmed down simply crying from the frustration of it all and just totally gave up my tantrum. It was then that I “sensed” God gently whispering in my ear “are you ready to listen?”

At that moment, with my eyes closed, I saw a vision of sorts. It was a glowing heart pumping in the darkness and with every beat the heart grew brighter. Suddenly I KNEW it was the heart of God, because it enfolded me with a peace that was a kind of “blessed assurance” that everything was all right because HE was with me. Nothing else mattered. I fell asleep and slept like a baby that night for the first time. Maybe it was because I realized I was not the center of the universe. God is the true center.

The next morning I woke up with a new sense of well being. I determined that if God was in control than I no longer had to worry about the cancer. I felt an urgency to make the most of every moment. My focus changed from being self centered to seeking God. I wanted more of that feeling I had the night before. I developed a voracious appetite for learning more about God. I discovered the incredible gift of power to be found in “THE WORD.”

I was excited. I went from helplessness to helping others. This was the secret to my own transformation. I decided that though I was weak from cancer treatments I could still pray and serve God! I decided to make my own mission of seeking others to pray for. At first I simply made a list of family and friends and their concerns. I got a blank journal book and started there. Then I decided to expand it and start looking for more. Everywhere I went I simply started asking everyone I met if there was something I could pray for them for.

What amazed me was how receptive people were after getting over the shock of my question. It led to many beautiful discussions, often with total strangers, of how great and wonderful our Lord is. I discovered that there are A LOT of people who are eager to talk about the Lord and are simply waiting for someone else to start the discussion.

Johnny is now discovering these same truths through his own journey. Despite a descent into constant pain, nausea, weakness, no appetite, his spirit still remains resilient and humbled to the will of God. It is a juggle of faith and human frailty. It is choosing to trust in God even when the future appears bleak. It is about praising God even when you don’t feel like it. It is about believing in a power greater than yourself to protect you.

God does His part. We have to do ours. It is an eternal pact that binds us and there are many fringe benefits if we can hang on to hope long enough to receive them. We must have hope to sustain us through the darkest night. What is hope? It is ”leaping up in expectation.” It is believing everything will work out for good – not by our own power but by the power of something far greater than ourselves. WE must believe no “matter what.”

Our “no matter what” came this past Monday as we met with the oncologist. The CAT scan did not yield the results as positive as we wanted them to be. A SLIGHT hair of a reduction in the mass on Johnny’s lung and in the lymph node. However the mass on his adrenal gland on the kidney continues to grow bringing more pain in his side. Johnny asked the dreaded question. How long do I have? The doctor replied 6 months.

She said she still wanted to do one more round (3 sessions) of the current chemo he was on because of the slight success. But she was concerned about the side effects and Johnny’s quality of life beyond that, if results are not more dramatic, which may simply lead to keeping him comfortable and pain free. I expressed concern about resuming chemo so soon because he had not fully recovered from the last chemo.

Johnny has only been eating less than a handful of food a day for the last two weeks and his weight has dropped down to the low 160’s. It is a viscous cycle created by the pain pills which nauseate him and remove his appetite. His body is frail. He is bony and gaunt. I told her my main priority was for addressing his constant pain and nausea and lack of appetite.

The doctor insisted that it was best to keep the chemo going on schedule while it was showing some results. She suggested doubling the oxycontin for pain and then adding marinol to relieve the nausea and stimulate his appetite. Marinol, she explained was medical marijuana in pill form. It apparently is now legal in Florida for medical uses in cancer treatment. We agreed that if we could get everything under control then he could endure a couple more chemos and keep fighting.

He did the chemo Monday and started the new regimen with increased pain meds and the new marinol pills. For the record – Johnny’s nausea is now under control and his appetite is now back to normal! I cannot tell you the joy of seeing him perk back up and hearing a chuckle in his voice! It is even greater joy to be able to cook for him again! But best of all we have a thread of hope. It is the same hope that David had as he faced Goliath with merely a slingshot. It is all about keeping your eyes on God when the Egyptians are at your back and the Red Sea is in front of you. You close your eyes and hang on.

So what is YOUR cross? Are you letting unbearable sadness rule your world and keep you from bringing light to the world? What are you CHOOSING to feel today? Perhaps you need a “heart to heart” with God and to look beyond your own self to reach out to others. What are you doing today to reach out and touch another life? Don’t go to bed tonight until you’ve done ONE THING to make another life breath easier. Do a random act of kindness for someone anonymously.

Do the same tomorrow.

Unbearable sadness is a matter of perspective. It is how you choose to handle it that makes the difference. We have all been faced with a loss or tragedy or trauma that has damaged us in some way. But we cannot dwell in that place for too long. We must light the candle ourselves that dispels the darkness. We must not lose heart. We must dig down deep and find the courage that lies dormant in each of us. Keep fighting!

We must choose to run under the pinion of God’s feathers. We must accept God’s strength to get through the valley. We MUST ask God for help and then get out of our own way so we can hear Him whisper to our hearts. God is always there. God is always waiting. We each have a destiny – a purpose for being here on earth. We each have an appointed time to be born and to die. Our concern is not the beginning or end. It is what we do with the “in-between.”

If I could give each of you a gift this Christmas it would be the gift of understanding the incredible power we each have through Jesus Christ to conquer anything. I would give you the whole armor of God. I would give you the helmet of salvation. I would give you the shield of faith. I would give you the sash of truth. I would give you the breastplate of righteousness. I would give you the sandals of the gospel of peace.

Most importantly, I would give you love. I hope you will take it and pass it on to everyone you meet. It is the best Christmas gift of all. Every thought of encouragement I just shared with you is not an original thought. It’s what I learned from reading my bible. I am simply sharing the truths I found that have helped me carry my own cross.

One last thought to leave you with. This is a quote posted on my refrigerator by James Frey:

BE STRONG.
LIVE HONORABLY
AND WITH DIGNITY.
WHEN YOU DON’T THINK YOU CAN,
HOLD ON.

Merry Christmas Kisses!

Rene and Johnny and Scarlett

My Soul Magnifies the Lord

2008-12-08T23:10:00.002-05:00

“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my savior” – Luke 1:46-47

As the year draws to a close I look back and see all we have come through since this journey began early this year. I’ve been feeling lately like my get up and go has got up and went! The holidays have landed upon us and I watched as the neighborhood started lighting up around us with festive trimmings. I told myself that I might skip all the hoopla this year. I entertained thoughts of throwing a little 3 foot quickie tree on the coffee table and calling it a day. Surely everyone would understand!

Until I talked to my long lost cousin Lydia. She called to see if she and her Hubby Mike, who is my cousin, could make a day trip to visit Johnny just for a few hours this past weekend. Johnny has had it extra rough since his last chemo last Monday. His blood platelets are down, his stomach stays upset and he barely eats each day. And then there is the never ending pain. So they desperately wanted to see him but to not impose.

But the four of us go way back. Lydia was supposed to be my maid of honor at my wedding but Mike got transferred unexpectedly. They ended up in New Mexico for the last decade or two so we had grown apart through time and distance. But they moved back home to Varnville, S.C. last year after my Aunt Ruby died, to take care of Mike’s two adult handicapped brothers left behind. Obviously these two have hearts of gold and love, to uproot their lives and make such a tremendous sacrifice.

I love the people in life who understand you can talk the talk, and you can walk the walk, but its better to walk the talk, then to talk the walk. These two are walkers! So we really looked forward to seeing them. When we talked on the phone Friday we were talking about putting up decorations and dreading it and I told Lydia my plan. She paused and said “Rene, I really think you should decorate - especially this year.”

The beauty of that suggestion was – they were coming in two days so that gave me a short deadline to rally with. I’m an adrenaline junkie that has always put off projects til the last minute and my last minute had arrived to whip the house into a winter wonderland. So Saturday morning I got up and hit the ground running. Lydia had not seem my dream house yet and I was so excited to show her. We had dreamed together by her pool one summer when I went to visit them while in college. So I knew she would love and appreciate everything she saw.

This made me look at our home through fresh eyes. I worked from 10am til 10pm Saturday sprucing up and dragging the tree out of the garage, and the hundreds of ornaments, and yards of lights and bows. I even got fresh hanging pots of red and white impatiens flowers, to adorn the porch and provide more color. Before I knew it Christmas spirit was rushing through my veins. It was contagious. Johnny watched and laughed as I buzzed around whistling and singing carols as I worked.

As I worked I thought about that Christmas in 2004 when it was me laying on the couch-bed where Johnny now lays all day. I’ve come a long way in four years since my Christmas miracle saved me from a life threatening reaction to the chemo, that put me in the hospital that Christmas. I never dreamed I would be nursing Johnny through a Christmas miracle of his own. But here I am waiting to find another light in the darkness.

Because I believe there is a light in the darkness of everybody’s life. No matter how bad things get or how hopeless a situation seems, or how much one may suffer – the light is always there. We are always standing on a threshold of choosing the light or not. Our perspective and choice determines our destiny. Agony or ecstasy. Winning or losing. Happy or sad. Leader or follower.

I think the greatest gift we can give back to our savior this holiday season is to lead souls to Christ by following His light. I heard a great story by Rick Warren of “Purpose Driven Life. He was explaining his family Christmas tradition that dates back to when he was a boy. They honor the baby Jesus with a birthday party complete with cake and ice cream! Then they form a circle and each person gives a “gift of the spirit” to Jesus by telling Him what they will be doing for him in the coming year. Each person has a personal mission.

How great is that for remembering what Christmas is really about? What we can give to Christ rather than what we are getting from Santa? Oh yeah! It’s not all about me!

So my Christmas challenge for each of you is this. At the end of the day every day of the coming year ask yourself “Did I GET more today or did I GIVE more?” I hope you will give more of yourself in small everyday ways to the people in your life that you encounter.

Ralph Waldo Emerson tells us that “it is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself…serve and thou shall be served.”

So how bright is your light this Christmas? Is your Christian character showing? Do they know you’re a Christian by your love? Lead the way and make the first step by example. Remember, you may be the only bible some people ever read. So let your light shine. Let your life shine as bright as the Christmas lights on your tree.

When Mary, the Mother of Jesus found out she would be giving birth and that her life was about to become very unpredictable she didn’t ask how hard it was going to be - she simply said “My soul magnifies the Lord…”

We continue to magnify the Lord with all our hearts and souls around this house. We know God is in control. We feel surrounded by angels and prayers from all corners coming from other hearts everywhere. I know I’ve thanked you all bunches already, but I just can’t thank you enough for continuing to care and keep those cards and letters coming!

Everyday is like Christmas around here each time we go to the mailbox. And isn’t that the way it was meant to be? Johnny sends Christmas greetings. My Christmas wish for you all is, that you will find Christmas in every day also – not just once a year.

Holiday Blessings for a Merry Christmas!

Rene

A Psalm of Thanksgiving

2008-11-30T17:25:00.000-05:00

“Make a joyful shout to the Lord all you lands!
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before His presence with singing.
Know that the Lord, He is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,
And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him and bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His mercy is everlasting,
And His truth endures to all generations.”
- Psalm 100

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone from Johnny, Me, and Scarlett. This has been a happy holiday for us indeed. We have so much to be thankful for. These holidays have been filled with all the usual trimmings –

1. A table adorned with turkey and ham, dressing and giblet gravy, fresh snapped green beans and potatoes, fresh shelled white acre peas, homemade macaroni and cheese (Scarlett’s personal request), rolls, southern style sweet and unsweet tea, fresh Vidalia green onions, pumpkin pie, pecan pie etc. Of course there were snacks to tide us over until dinner was done – fresh boiled peanuts and old fashioned party mix made from Chex cereal, pretzels and mixed nuts. Heaven forbid we should go hungry at any minute!

2. Family gathered together. Scarlett and Rhett spent the night and it was like old times hearing her knock around the house upstairs, with her music and TV and stuff strung all over the bathroom (which used to be hers but now is mine.) It was so joyful having her “hang out” and sitting in her Daddy’s chair with him as we watched television together and talked about life and old memories and her ever growing successful career. She’s on her way to Savannah and Hawaii next week for work and conference and pleasure. So it was good to see her before her jet setting life zooms into the fast lane again.

3. Time with the parents! Mom and Dad drove in from Orlando for Thanksgiving Day to share our glorious meal and bring desert. Mom and I had a chance for long overdue “girltalk” as we prepared dinner together and Dad spent a lot of time with Johnny solving the world’s global crises, predicting our country’s economic and political future and armchair coaching the various football games on TV.

4. Shopping! Scarlett ventured out to the new outlet stores with the fabulous new shops with Rachel and together they set a new family record for an 8 hour shopping spree. It’s a rough life but someone has to do it.! The grand prize in her treasure hunt was nabbing a pair of first time ever Jimmy Choo shoes.

5. Rummaging through the Christmas decorations and wishing I had a band of elves handy to put it all up. I used to go to such extremes with decorating the house and yard all by myself. These last few years the decorations get smaller and smaller. Last year it was pretty much just a wreath on the door and lights around our wrap around porch. Ah for the days of the big sled and reindeer in the front yard with lighted fences and holly draping everything in sight and poinsettas everywhere, and the nativity scene on our corner.

6. Neighbor visits. Our next door neighbor Brenda brought her latest bundle of joy , 9 week old grand-daughter Bria, to light up our day. She was so pretty in pink and holding her in my arms brought dreams of my own grand-child to come one day. She just cooed and gurgled at Johnny in her own baby language. When they left they left us with smiles all day long.

7. The annual FSU/UF football rivalry game which takes place every Thanksgiving holiday weekend. It was an action-packed soggy game in the rain for the boys and spectators. The end result is one I hate to mention. The Gators got us again! That Teebo is a force to be reckoned with, but I can’t complain cause he is a godly guy! I love that we have role-models like him out there for young kids to emulate. As for our Seminoles – at least we had our wire to wire year back a decade ago! Every dog has his day and just for the record – Bobby Bowden can stay as long as he wants to as far as I’m concerned! No matter what! Another godly guy there I might add.

There you have it in a nutshell. All the blessings and more than a family could ever pray for. And that’s just touching the tip of the iceberg. Just ask Johnny. Folks ask me everywhere how he is doing. My best response is this – spiritually he is doing fine as he continues to place his total trust in God. But as he said at the end of today’s holy healing prayer session – “and thank You Lord for creating pain pills as your will is done!”

Johnny does not complain. He is stoic as he battles for the healing. The avalanche of blessings that have landslided into our life from this journey is hard to fathom. It is indescribable. It boggles our minds and fills us with such joy that I think it is like it has taken on a life of its own. A community of love has been formed that is the best medicine that could possibly exist. There could be no better healing. A family of old and new friends join in a circle with our own family to form a hedge around us.

It keeps us in a place called hope. No matter what the circumstances we are able to deal with fear and anxiety in a unique way. We lift it up to God and praise His name. We praise Him as we lift up the pain or hear the Doctor tell us that the tumor has grown. We praise Him in the moments when Johnny finds a comfort spot as he lays and feels temporary relief. We continue to give thanks every night for every day we have together.

I encourage you to give thanks in your own life no matter what struggles you face. Look for the good. It is always there. Appreciation is a fruit of the spirit that boomerangs back at you in multiplied blessings. It’s like stoking a fire. The more kindling you add the bigger the flame. Appreciation is a very magnetic force attracting all God’s best your way.

Tomorrow is another chemo day for Johnny. We give thanks that they continue to tell us we have weapons to fight with. But we know the best weapon is prayer so we thank each of you who continue to provide us with ammunition daily as we storm the gates of hell and claim the victory in the name of Jesus.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene and Johnny and Scarlett

How Great Thou Art!

2008-11-21T12:47:00.001-05:00

“Every day I will praise You and extol Your name for ever and ever. Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom.” - Psalm 145:2-3

Recently, I’ve been having a lot of wee in morning conversations with God. Johnny isn’t sleeping as well lately. He has to find a certain position and not move to keep the pain at bay. The slightest stirring by me rouses him and brings him back awake. And then there is my snoring that disrupts his peace. I wake up to him pounding my back in frustration. May I tell you how embarrassing it is to have such an atrocious habit you have no control over?

So, consequently, I spend a lot of nights in the guest room for his sake. Also, I have started staying up later, after he retires to bed, to have my own quiet time, in the still of the night. This is the only time of day when nobody needs me – not Johnny, not the dog, not Scarlett, not my friends, not anybody. These are my times I can get a clear line to God. These are the moments I draw my strength from God to get me through the next day.

Often I lay there in the guest bed gazing at the stars alone. The room used to be a children’s room with the last owners, and they put up those fluorescent stars that glow in the dark. So I look up and think “How great Thou art!” and I remind myself not to worry because God is watching over me. It is a new reality to lay in the bed alone. Sometimes I wonder if God is preparing me for the possibility of really being alone one day in this gradual way.

It is a precarious position I find myself in. I do not want to let go of Johnny. I do not want him to leave me. There are so many undone things we had planned to do in these golden years of our life. We have been through so much since our first kiss at my dorm’s doorstep. We’ve had good years. We’ve had bad years.. We both have “grown up” together in so many ways as we found our own paths in life.

Now that we have matured, our tempestuous life has subsided into a calm and peaceful journey, as we have settled into the house of our dreams, on the corner of Rebels Hill Drive and Greenland Oaks the last 10 years. We look at each other through the eyes of a love that has endured through many trials, and now has come around full circle to everything it was meant to be from the beginning.

Yet I stand at a crossroads of believing he will be healed, while at the same time having to muster the strength of possibly having to take care of myself for the first time in my life. Johnny has always taken care of me. He has been my knight in shining armor.

Have I mentioned how ecstatic it is to pray together? This simple act of love was too long coming. It is a joy that is unexplainable to grow in this new way together. There is a power there, that knits our hearts in new ways into a fabric of a tapestry that only God could create. God is the thread that binds us. Oh Lord! Please don’t take Johnny now when we have just found this new dimension of love as part of a trinity with You!

These thoughts creep in as I struggle to understand the will of God through all this. I believe with all my heart that Johnny is healed through the stripes of Jesus. I fight daily to keep my faith alive and to stand in the gap for Johnny as he battles the pain and not knowing what the future holds. We continue to hang on to hope, as we bow to His will in all things. As long as the doctors tell us they have new weapons to throw at the deadly pestilence we fight even when we cannot see.

Faith comes down to simply this. We praise the Lord no matter what. We learn that we are more than conquerors because the battle is already won – our souls are His. We live forever under His wing of protection in spirit. Johnny has reunited with and surrendered his spirit to the greatness of the Lord. This is to know heaven on earth. This is to believe all is well all the time.

Embracing that simple truth opens up the heavens to new levels of blessings. Suddenly you BELIEVE that He has given His angels charge over you in all your ways. You understand that no matter what is swirling around you – you are protected by He whose greatness is so vast that no one can measure it. Now that’s protection!

His wonderful redeeming love for each of us is something that makes my soul sing – even as I stand – not knowing what tomorrow brings – but knowing that, as I bow in humble adoration – He is there with me.

I wish for each of you – that same trust in God – to believe that the greatness of the Lord surrounds you – the love of the Lord enfolds you – the power of the Lord protects you – the presence of the Lord watches over you – wherever you are – God is – and all is well.

I cannot thank all of you enough for the cards and letters and phone calls and visits that continue to come on a daily basis, to lift us up and remind us that love surrounds us in so many beautiful ways. Most of all thank you for your prayers and thoughts – that is the greatest gift of all. Johnny appreciates each and everyone of you and sends his love back.

Beautiful blessings,

Rene

His Eye Is On The Sparrow And I Know He Watches Me

2008-11-12T14:14:00.002-05:00

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father in heaven. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than the sparrows” - Matthew 10:29-31

I confess – sometimes I wish I was a sparrow. Life seems so easy for the birds. They don’t think. They don’t struggle emotionally. They don’t fret over loved ones. They don’t sweat the stock market falling. They don’t worry about paying the bills or having health insurance. They don’t count the calories in everything they eat or worry about getting fat. They simply fly.

And yet, Jesus tells us we are worth more than sparrows. And when I stop and think about it – I think we do fly at times. Our bodies may be bound by gravity but our spirits know no boundaries when we are in “the secret place” where peace is found. So where is it? I have found it in the heart of God. How do you find God’s heart? Two words……be still.

This is something I learned about cancer. You have no choice but to be still. Sometimes I wonder if God doesn’t use illnesses such as this to get our undivided attention. It forces us to stop life as we know it and contemplate the very purpose of our existence. It compels us to look at life through different eyes. We go from living on auto-pilot to holding the wheel in our hands, understanding that every decision we make has consequences.

Even the decision to be still or not be still can change the course of our lives. It is a matter of filling up our spiritual gas tanks on a regular basis or running on empty through life. We all know the stress of driving our car on fumes and praying for a gas station before we give out of gas on the side of the road as opposed to the peace of always driving with a gas tank at least half full. Just ask my Mother! One of her cardinal rules in life is to NEVER get below half a tank!

Johnny is learning all about being still through this journey. He is now on his third line of defense chemo and has just had his second dose this past Monday. It has knocked him down a lot more than the last ones he has done since June. He plows through the side effects of high temps and cold chills and no appetite and continuous pain courageously. The oncologist increased his pain meds to Oxycontin – the big boy – along with Percoset as needed. So far it has been two days and the pain has not subsided much. He calls it “tolerable.”

I was reminded of my own painful period when I had a pinched nerve for several months and the pain never subsided. I could not even lay flat on my back without excruciating pain. So I walked the floor many nights like a zombie – sometimes just sitting on a stool at the kitchen counter and resting my head on it. Sometimes I could doze off in the recliner if I propped 7 or eight pillows just right. It was a living hell of misery until one day it all magically subsided.

But here’s the thing about pain I learned as I reflect back on my life. There is no physical pain – no matter how massive – or how long – that can match the spiritual pain of living my life without God as the center of my being.

When I look back on the times of my life that I did not have the close relationship with the Lord that I do now, I wonder how I ever made it through. I realize how very alone I always felt. I was living a life of unnecessary misery and wondering why I was so unhappy. I tried to do everything myself and wondered why I never found success. On the surface I might have appeared to be optimistic and happy. But it was just a shell that was empty on the inside. There was no God inspired foundation from which all my decisions flowed.

It was not that I didn’t try to be a good person. I did try. But I always gave up when the going got tough. I made choices then that I would never make now that I have allowed God to fill up every cell in my body with His light. I made a lot of mistakes that I could have avoided if I had been thinking the way God teaches me to think now. I operated out of fear. Now I know there is nothing to fear – no matter what – because I allow God to work through me and I am never alone. God always has my back. The “secret place” is always there for me to run to.

So how did I get from where I was to where I am now? I decided to surrender because I had reached my wits end doing things my way. Then I went to work with a vengeance to understand God. I wanted to “know His name” and find that peace He kept promising. But there is a key that unlocks that door to “the secret place.” You must “speak the language.” The only way to learn “Godspeak” is to bury yourself in His word every single day until you find the “word” flowing off your tongue effortlessly. It is actually the same as being fluent in any other language. When you reach the point where you “think” in that language you have arrived.

At this point you find for every door you open to “the secret place” there is another door in front of you that takes you deeper and deeper. I think this is what God means in Psalm 91 when He tells us “because you have loved me I will deliver you and set you securely on high because YOU HAVE KNOWN MY NAME.” I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt something that is true for Johnny, me, and Scarlett. WE KNOW HIS NAME. It is a never-ending journey of discovery. You must continue walking the path everyday.

I should clarify though that knowing God is not a free pass from tragedy or unexpected sorrow. The world continues to surround you with all its reality of living. The DIFFERENCE we have found, is that circumstances do not touch you in the same way. We may feel human suffering and frustration but when you have that PEACE that Jesus bequeathed to us, its like – it’s ok. Because peace brings a hope that all will work out for good for those who love God. And the will of God is all that really matters – we are nothing apart from it.

So here’s to peace finding each of you in beautiful ways! Let God in and find out for yourselves what that peace that surpasses all understanding means. It’s all about living like a sparrow – being free to fly despite all circumstances – and finding that nest in our Father’s mighty arms to protect us from all harm – free from fear!

Great Is Thy Faithfulness!

2008-11-04T10:00:00.001-05:00

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness” - Lamentations 3:22-23

Lately I feel like we are living in “the twilight zone.” Actually we are living in “the secret place of the most high.” It is a surreal place I have never been. It is one of those places you can only get to when you realize the only thing you have left to hang on to is faith. You do not know from one moment to the next what is about to happen. But when all you have left is faith, you come to realize, that is all you ever really needed.

The “secret place of the most high” is not easily found. It requires a depth of believing akin to being pushed off a cliff and told to fly and then actually believing that you will fly. It reminds me of when I took my green belt test in karate and had to break a cement block with a swift chop of my hand (accompanied by a blood curdling yell.) The real test was not whether or not I could break the block. It was BELIEVING I could break the block. I did it!

But that was for fun. The blocks in front of me today are life and death matters. The blocks I believe I can conquer, have consequences much more painful than breaking my hand if I do not believe to the fullest capacity I can. And so, I have no choice but to believe that God is in control no matter what, and that whatever happens – it will be alright – it will all lead towards good.

I now understand what praying without ceasing means. I find myself praying even in my dreams. I pray when I wake up. I pray during my morning walks. I pray as I drive. I pray as I wait on appointments. I pray during commercials on TV. I pray as I listen to music. I pray as I cook. I pray as I wash dishes. I pray as I clean the laundry. I pray as I counsel. I pray at parties. I pray at funerals. I pray at football games. I pray as I bathe. I pray as I massage Johnny’s aches and pains. I pray as he falls asleep. I pray as I fall asleep.

Yesterday Johnny started on new chemo – this is the third line defense. The tumor continues to grow. However we continue to keep the faith. As long as they keep telling us they have more weapons to throw at the deadly pestilence that stalks Johnny’s body, we trudge forward with resilience of spirit. Our God is a mighty God and if David could fell the giant Goliath with a simple slingshot in the face of overwhelming odds – then we too can say that this battle is the Lord’s and we will simply rest under His pinion.

Two weeks ago we were blessed to take Johnny to one more Florida State football game. We haven’t used our season tickets all year. We have missed the vantage point from 45 yard line – 2nd row up seats, as we watch now only from our living room recliners. But it was good timing for the Virginia Tech game at home because Johnny had been off the chemo for several weeks and feeling frisky and determined to attend at least one more game.

So we gathered up our team garb and decked ourselves out ready for a battle in FSU shirts, hats, glasses and even jewelry! We put the Seminole magnet signs on each side of the car and packed the Seminole seats in the trunk. We prepared for any medical emergency with Mayo Clinic’s phone number, a thermometer, blankets for possible chills and Levaquin antibiotics in case his temperature soared away from home.

Scarlett joined us for this trip and for a moment in time it was like the good ole days when she would drive from college to meet us at the game and whoop it up with her Daddy as they hooted and hollered our team to victory again and again. We rolled through our ritual stop at Shell’s Oyster Bar in Tallahassee. Johnny couldn’t have the oysters raw on this day. Nor could he eat his usual quota of about 5 dozen. But all the staff embraced him with affection (they are like family) and shucked up a few dozen raw for me and Scarlett while Johnny enjoyed his steamed and fried.

Our next challenge was finding a parking spot anywhere close to the stadium so Johnny wouldn’t have to walk far. I decided if God declares we are to pray for all things great and small that included parking spaces in time of need so I decreed it in the name of Jesus that we would miraculously have just the right spot for Johnny appear.

Believe it or not we found the closest parking spot in our 10 year history of attending home games. The greater blessing was it was the last spot in the lot so we were the first spot next to the exit, which was crucial for us to be able to get out at halftime. The lot was right across the street from the stadium. This just DOES NOT HAPPEN on game day folks. Especially finding it minutes before gametime. But God has a heart!

We got to meet up at halftime with my brother Chip and friends for halftime hugs. But it was time to go after that because Johnny’s stamina was almost gone. On the ride back he gloried at the thrill of being able to go to the game. But he said that would be his last for the season. It was pushing his limits to the max.

And so we continue our journey here one day at a time. The new chemo brought in the flu like symptoms last night. Johnny went to bed early. I had to bundle him up in blankets to get rid of the chills. But he woke up this morning feeling better and now we brace for the unknown again. He will be getting two weeks of chemo on then one week off so we now plan our lives around a new schedule.

The mail continues to bring new cards and letters from old faithful senders and new people also. Some we know, some we don’t know. Either is thrilling to Johnny. He has so many cards and letters by now that I finally had to start putting some in baskets and consolidate them. I have run out of room on our walls. But every card and letter is precious to us. It is another reminder of God’s love. And packages continue to come with special surprises that make it feel like Christmas. I know this Christmas will be the best ever. The meaning will be so much more than the rest.

Of all the gifts I have come to appreciate the greatest gift is faith. Faith is a two way street. God’s faithfulness to us fuels our own faithfulness to Him in return. Faith quenches fear. Faith fires up our power from within to arrive at that special “knowing” that all is well all the time – even in the midst of chaos. But faith is a fire that must be stoked every single day. It is like a water pump from which we draw “living water” to nourish our souls.

Stop and think when things seem to be falling apart and you are at your wits end with things – have you been giving as much of your time and your heart to God as you have everything else? It is at these moments that I find I have been slacking. But every moment brings the opportunity to change course and get back on track to that peace that surpasses all understanding and to open the door to all the blessings that flow from being one with, the same as, and in tune with God’s thought.

Keep the dust off your bibles and fire up your faith by reading God’s word to us each day. It just makes sense to keep the guns of grace loaded and ready for whatever comes next.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene Williams

Watching the Angel Trumpets bloom

2008-10-23T15:21:00.000-04:00

“For only we who believe can enter His rest” - Hebrew 4:3

The yellow angel trumpets are blooming in our backyard. I originally had dotted them all along the entire picket fence in our back yard but they started growing and expanding their trunks and branches too close to the fence. So I hired someone to come cut them all down. But he left one solitary tree amongst the line of stumps.

The blooms are about a foot long and there are about 25 hanging from the branches in golden, glorious splendor. It’s as if they are calling out a solitary message to us as we gaze out the window, “We’re still here!” I love how Johnny can see them from his makeshift bed we converted the couch into, next to the bay window in our living room, looking into the backyard.

Those flowers are truly a reminder of God’s astounding glory. It also helps us to remember that angels are watching over us, as one day flows into another in this seeming “time warp” we live in now. Each day is another notch in our belts of time that we thank God for – because we are still here.

Hurricane force winds have blown through our emotions the last several weeks. After the last chemo Johnny had a new development of pain that worried us. We had been rocking along pretty steady with our routine. Johnny’s days consist of quiet times in the living room, back and forth between the recliner and the couchbed. He watches TV or I read to him or he naps on and off all day. Sometimes he strolls out on the back deck.

Occasionally he will ride off in the truck for a few hours just to get away for getting away’s sake. But that doesn’t happen too often. Every move made away from the quiet routine at the house is a tremendous effort for him. Even the visits to Mayo for blood tests or appointments will wear him out. He is always glad to get back to the house.

So when the new pain manifested last week it rocked our world. I lay in the bed one night and listened to him for a couple hours in the middle of the night. He groaned every time he moved. He couldn’t cough easily. Deep breaths hurt him. I lay awake with eyes wide open. Suddenly the reality of the severity of this journey set in and it frightened me.

I felt a glimpse of the true possibility of actually sleeping without him. I laid there and prayed for God to give me the strength to hold on to hope that everything was all right. I prayed for the strength to be strong when Johnny was so weak. I realized how very much he has always taken care of me. Now it was time for me to take care of him. It was an overwhelming feeling to suddenly realize that what I was about to undertake was a load of love that Johnny had carried for 33 years.

The next morning I called Mayo Clinic to report the new developments. They told us to get him to Mayo’s emergency room as soon as possible because they wanted to make sure it wasn’t a pulmonary embolism. Five hours later, after heart monitors, blood tests, x-rays, oxygen, and a CAT scan, we received the good report that they could find nothing – most especially – a pulmonary embolism. Whew! Praise the Lord!

It was a traumatic day that left us exhausted. On our follow up visit to the oncologist’s office we were told that the new pain is called “referral pain” that manifests in various parts of the body due to tumor growth. They prescribed stronger pain killer to keep Johnny comfortable.

The blood test we did last Friday showed low blood counts so we had to be back at Mayo this past Monday. Then his platelets clumped so we had to go back Tuesday for a re-take. Johnny is starting to feel like a pin cushion. His veins are getting rubbery. His patience is getting thinner. So was mine. I realized that all those years I spent working in a nursing home and dealing with and counseling caregivers – I really had no idea what a monumental journey it was for them. I do now.

Johnny has been on his own roller coaster of emotions as he tries to walk towards healing, though the opposite possibility looms in the distance. He struggles as he juggles being a patient and still trying with all his strength to be my protector. A few days ago the swirling winds of emotion came to a crescendo but led to “the talk” we’ve been needing to have.

I told Johnny that we are praying and believing for his healing and a victory over death but the whole point of living that God tries to convey to us is TO LIVE EVERY MOMENT AS IF IT WERE THE LAST. I reassured him that he had done his job well of being a good husband and father and provider.

Now it was time to focus on the important things at the moment. It was time to savor love, to do the things he always wanted to, to appreciate the true gifts he was blessed with, to say all the things you have been wanting to say, to reconnect with all the people you have cherished. It was time TO LIVE while he was alive.

An important lesson I found during my own journey through cancer was that sometimes God stops us in our tracks so we will listen and hear this important message. LIVE! LOVE! LAUGH AND BE HAPPY! Isn’t that what life is all about?

I heard a local church is doing a series on that very idea. I think it is wonderful. I hope that each of you will stop and take stock of your own lives. Don’t wait for a left hook in life to “get it.” Take charge now and live the life God intended for you.

Find your purpose (which is not only to pay bills.) Mend your fences. Go find God and WORK at the most important relationship you’ll ever have. Stop running and start strolling. You’ll see a lot of sights you’ve been missing.

I wish for each of you the exhilaration of truly appreciating every breath – every moment.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

A Soldier's Psalm

2008-10-13T23:31:00.003-04:00

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him will I trust.’” -Psalm 91: 1-2

I discovered the most incredible book a few days ago. I had been searching for “a Word” from God to help me maintain peace of mind, as I witness the economic crisis around the world, in the midst of our battle for Johnny’s health and remaining positive about what the future holds for us all. There is an “inspirational book” rack at our local Publix grocery store. The last couple of stops I made there I twirled the rack and perused a few books but none was just the right one.

Then I “stumbled” upon the book “Psalm 91 – God’s Shield of Protection” by Peggy Joyce Ruth a few days ago. It just jumped out at me. It was an odd choice for me because it was full of true war stories by actual military veterans and that normally wouldn’t attract me. I’m all about ideas presented in warm fluffy, feel good ways. This book was all about true grit.

But as I thumbed through the pages, I was fascinated how the author went through Psalm 91 verse by verse and explained how this was the only place in the bible that contained ALL of God’s promises to us put together in a sacred covenant. It is an absolute guarantee of divine protection in the form of a spiritual contract from God to each of us regarding our health, healing, rescue, deliverance, safety, protection and provision.

As Peggy tells us in the book, “nothing in this world can be relied upon as confidently as God’s promises when we believe them, refuse to waver, and decide to make His Word our final authority for every area of our lives.” Within the verses God tells us the key to releasing the power of those promises to us, through speaking His Word out loud and believing with all our heart that His promises are true.

But here is what really hooked me. I discovered that Psalm 91 has been called “A Soldiers Psalm” because it has been tested again and again in many wars, with many faithful soldiers, who experienced miracle after miracle in deadly battle situations, while Psalm 91 was being prayed over them, by relatives or by the soldiers themselves crying out to God. Pretty cool huh?

As I devoured the words in this book it truly lifted me up more and more as I realized – we are all soldiers in one way or another fighting our personal battles in different ways. It is all about life and death. It is all about whether or not we triumph in the ultimate victory of realizing GOD HAS OUR BACK! When we submit our lives and full control to His will as His subjects in His kingdom, He pours out His power and might to guard us and provide for us.. And all we have to do is ask.

Today is the United States Navy’s 233rd birthday. My father is a retired Navy Commander and today he toasted all members who have served. I would like to “click his glass” tonight and dedicate this Psalm to the US Navy, to Naval Commander Laurence Paul Bowdren, retired MSC, to all his friends and members who have served in the US Navy, and to all our countrymen who haved served in any armed forces, in any capacity, while showing their love of our country in performing their duties, to protect us all. May God continue His divine protection over each you.

Here is the Psalm in its entirety. I encourage you all to print this out and recite it out loud every day. The best part of it is, that it protects not just you but your whole family:

Psalm 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling— even the LORD, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
For He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation."

God bless all of you for your cares and prayers and cards and calls and concern over Johnny and Scarlett and me as we trod the road towards victory. I wish for each of you, the courage to trust God and to believe in all His promises as you journey towards your own victory in all things.

Beautiful Blessings!

Rene

Lessons in Love – The Abc’s of Love That Lasts

2008-10-04T14:50:00.001-04:00

"Whatever the question, love is the answer"

Tomorrow is our 33rd wedding anniversary. It seems so long ago since the day we said “I do.” When I look in the mirror sometimes I have to look twice. Is that still me? Johnny frowns at the mirror now, as he leans forward to count the few remaining hairs the last chemo has left him. I tell him constantly how beautiful he is bald. He tells me my head was a lot prettier when I was bald. We laugh.

It’s funny how perception in love changes over the years. I have come to find out that what I thought love was 33 years ago, was just a faint sliver of the big picture of love. I had no idea of the magnitude of a true journey of love. I discovered the truth of love after making a million mistakes over the 33 years. Call it wisdom from the pain of being human.

I remember in my college philosophy class the professor asked us each if we could have anything in the world what would it be? I answered that I would like knowledge. He told me I had no idea what I was wishing for. He said that complete knowledge was a blessing and a curse. I now understand what he meant.

When I look back I think I could have avoided some painful mistakes if there had been a pre-marriage course on the basics of marriage and how to survive sharing your life with another as you turn “me” into “we.” Marriage is when romance hits reality! The reality you create together can be heaven or hell.

I learned a lot of lessons from making every mistake in the book. Here’s my advice to those of you in love or looking for love, for things I wish I knew then that might help you make love last now:

The ABC’s of Love That Lasts

Act Authentic – The most important thing you can do to make a relationship work is to be yourself. But do you really know who you are? Until you do, you don’t really have anything to give. Only in discovering who you are, do you know what you want and what you don’t want. Until you respect yourself others will not respect you. Write a “manifesto” about yourself and how it relates to what you want in a partner.

Balance Budget - Marriage brings two different ways of dealing with money together. It is important to get an understanding of how each individual handles their finances and come to a consensus that each understands and agrees with involving shared money and how money will be spent. Finances are one of the biggest reasons cited for divorce.

Communicate Concerns - Good communication requires two important skills. Listening and talking, How well do you listen? How comfortable to you feel telling the other person something important to you. How easy is it for you to share something when you think it might be upsetting to the other? You will always be coming back to this one so make sure it is strong and solid.

Divide Duties – Here is an area that usually is never discussed and only assumed by each other. This can be a deal breaker if not handled properly. Who is in charge of exactly what? Who cleans the house? Who takes out the garbage? Who keeps up the yard? Who washes the clothes? Who folds the clothes? Who does the dishes? Who puts the dishes away? Who mops the floor? Who sweeps? Who dusts? Who cleans up pet messes? Who walks the dog? Who changes the garbage bag when empty? Who cleans out the microwave? Who does the grocery shopping? Who does the cooking? Who is the chaffeur when the kids come along? Who handles the bills? Who files the important papers? Who cleans out the fridge? Who makes the grocery list? Most importantly – who holds the remote control?

Explore Esteem – Back to the central issue of any successful relationship – how happy are you? How confident are you? How deserving do you feel to have a wonderful mate and life? Why do you want to get married? Do you feel complete within yourself? Do you have a fullness of love that begins with a true and honest love of yourself to give to another?

Find Forgiveness – Let’s face it. Your gushing and exhilarating passion you feel for your significant other right now is overlooking a lot of real stuff about your loved one being an imperfect human being, Guess what. It’s true. Reality will rock on as the flames become a slow steady ember over time, and suddenly one morning you wake up and say “hey! What happened?” It is then you must deal with the infinite list of possibilities your true love exhibits such as snoring, farting, burping, smelling, leaving dirty laundy strewn, showing up late, not calling when they should, blowing the budget, spending too much time with friends or at work, saying things they didn’t mean (you hope), forgetting your birthday, criticizing your parents, your friends, your job, your everything. Not pulling their side of the duties you agreed on, betrayal, lying cheating etc. Can you forgive and go on? Both sides need to love unconditionally and give and take. Life happens – despite all our best intentions.

Give God Glory – The best of relationships are a true trinity with God in the middle. It keeps balance and accountability and helps to build a solid foundation for your love to grow on. God is the best referee of all as two humans clash together to forge a mighty union. Having God as a major player in the game of love paves the way for the children to come that will have a house built on love and strength.

Honor Home – Your home should be a refuge for your souls away from the world. It should be filled with peace and love and comfort. It should be a reflection of both personalities with spaces for each to feel resonance with. Whatever space you live in, no matter how big or small, no matter how cheap or expensive, is your shelter from your storms of life. You should honor that space and make it off limits to chaos or trouble. Home is where you hang your heart. It is the rock your children will cling to.

I DO Means I DO – One of the biggest reasons people need to sit down and examine themselves and each other and who they are and what they want is to be prepared to make the greatest and most binding decision of their lives which means “I DO.” It does not mean “I DO” but only if you treat me right. It does not mean “I DO” until I meet someone that I like better. It does not mean “I DO” until I get tired of it. It does not mean “I DO” until suddenly I am bored and want to be free to find me again.” It does not mean “I DO” but only if you do things my way. “I DO” means I am willing to risk everything and pledge my love to you, knowing that each of us is imperfect but we love each other anyway despite our flaws and enough to find a way to bridge our differences and help each other become the very best God meant us to be. “I DO” means you are saying to the other “I’ve got your back – no matter what.” “I DO means “WE DO” and that includes the children. Whenever you consider tossing out “I DO” remember the children are tossed too. No matter what convenient arrangement you make for them as you tear their worlds apart – they do not understand divided love or living apart from either parents.

Jump Joyfully – Love is a constantly flowing river in motion with ebbs and tides that breath life into two souls. Staying stagnant brings pollution into the relationship. Find ways to keep moving joyfully together with hobbies and activity that you share together and apart. It is important to keep healthy and vibrant to make the most of every moment and to keep the passions burning in your spirit.

Keep Kissing – Romance is a fire that must be constantly stoked. In the midst of all the ways the world can pull you apart you must stay aware of the need to make time together for pure romance. Feed your love with looks and compliments, and special gestures and acts that simply say “I love you” in so many different ways. Many people make “date night” and carry on the tradition for years.

Love Laughing – Laughter may be one of the key single ingredients that bind people together. Sharing a sense of humor bridges gaps in other areas and provides a way to connect with each other anytime. It can diffuse volatile emotions in the twinkling of an eye.

Make Memories – Life can be mundane if you let it pass by too quickly without markers of moments that were special and significant. I think every bridal couple should start their lives with a 50 volume set of photo albums to have ready for filling and filing the precious memories made along the way. It is so wonderful to look back after decades and relive the reasons you fell in love and how it blooms and grows.

Never nag – This is the number 1 no-no in lessons of love. Never, never, never nag. If you do you are breaking one of the above lessons in proper communication. One of you is losing power in the great balance of love. Go back to the basics and refresh your self esteem and confidence and approach the situation like an adult.

Observe Occasions – There is something beautiful about celebrating rituals in life. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, special occasions help us mark history and give us opportunities to stop and appreciate each other and life. It defines our heritage and culture. It gives us a sense of pride and appreciation for the good life we have.

Pray Persistently – Do not start your day without God first. It sets the stage for all to come and reminds you that there is nothing that can happen today that you and God can’t handle together. There is power in prayer and in giving thanks to our source of all GOODNESS. No matter how busy you are – God comes first – end of story. Also, there is no greater ecstasy you will find then praying together with the one you love.

Quarrel Quietly – Quarelling is warfare and as such there should be rules of engagement. How do you “fight fairly?” Keep your voices down. Keep calm. Never say anything hurtful or viscious that you will have to take back later. Stick to the facts. Never argue in front of children. It frightens them.

Respect Rights – Within a union there are still two individuals who have separate needs and habits and dreams interests. The worst thing that can happen is for one partner to lose theirself in the other person, This happens easier than you think, Both parties must give 101%. This can fluctuate at times but in a proper balance always comes back to a win/win give and take. Respect your loved one’s individuality and needs. Give them breathing space.

Sleep Soundly – Never go to bed angry. Over and out.

Tell truth – Honestly is the greatest gift you can give to your loved one. You MUST be able to trust the one you love. You must look each other in the eye and make that your greatest commitment. This is important in trusting the other never to cheat. Swear that cheating is never an option, If the other reaches the point of actually considering it, that should be the pre-agreed point where a summit meeting is called to discuss what is wrong with the marriage and how it can be fixed.

Understand Upsets – Despite all the best laid plans of mice and men setbacks will happen. How they are dealt with moves the marriage forward or backward. Going back to the basic lessons outlined above can bring your enduring love back into focus.

Value Virtue - Love brings out the best in us. It teaches us the value of virtue and creates a legacy to pass down to our children and to generations to come. What mark will your love leave on the world? Virtue is defined as an excellence and general morality. It is a code to live by. It is an effective power or force of good we give to ourselves and others. What legacy will YOUR love leave? Work hard and realize it is worth the efforts to create the kind of love that blooms and grows forever.

Wait Wisely – How will you know true love has arrived? The bible gives us a guide to look for in that which is noble, just, lovely, of good report. It reminds us that:

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not parade itself; it is not puffed up; does not behave rudely; does not seek its own; is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity; but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…………..and now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

I wish for your love a thrilling adventure in life where you are able to recognize all the beauty it brings which outshines all the mistakes and pitfalls you had to overcome to finally see the light of what really matters. I have learned that “whatever the question – love is the answer.”

Despite the many ups and downs and detours the love that Johnny and I vowed to cling to 33 years ago……it was all worth the ride. And today I can honestly say that I love him more and deeper than I could ever have imagined possible.

He is my knight in shining armor, he is my best friend, he is the most brilliant man I have ever met. He has a heart of gold. He loves life. He loves his daughter. He loves me. He loves the Lord most of all.

So here’s a toast to a life of love that changed me forever and ultimately taught me that true love comes from putting God first as my teacher and the fountain from which every good thing in my life flowed. Cheers!

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Dancing In The Rain

2008-09-29T00:57:00.000-04:00

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, life is about learning to dance in the rain”

I heard through the grapevine today that somebody has been talking about me. They said “Something is wrong with that girl. She is too happy all the time.” I laughed out loud when I heard that. If that’s the worst thing someone can say about me I must be doing something right.

I suspect though that the perception of the person who made that statement is that either I live in total denial of reality, or that nothing ever goes wrong in my life. Neither of the above is correct. The truth of the matter is that I struggle through storms just like everybody else. I stumble and I fall. But I get back up and I keep on going and I keep on smiling. And I keep on trusting God no matter what.

I am learning to dance in the rain. It is all about praising God (even when you don’t feel like it) and believing that good things come to those who love the Lord. It is clinging to the belief that God is in control. It is about stepping out of myself when the winds are swirling around me and reaching out to help somebody else. I was born to dance this way.

What I find is that my own problems seem to pale next to another’s and there is strength to be had in lifting up one another. What goes around comes around. And it all comes back around to living every moment. The bible speaks of it as “redeeming our time.”

Time has become a precious commodity around our home. Johnny began his new chemo last Friday. It is our second line of defense. The side effects are not as powerful as the last chemo so Johnny continues to keep his appetite. But he is weak. His stamina does not last long. His patience is getting a lot shorter. But his faith in God is something he clings to fiercely.

Tonight was a special night for Johnny. Scarlett invited her Daddy out for a special date. She asked me to dress him up fancy in his finest suit. So I pulled out his black Ralph Lauren suit with a shiny silver vest and bow tie to match. I shined up his black shoes and tucked a little scarf in his pocket. He looked so dapper!

Scarlett arrived in a gorgeous formal gown to escort him to his favorite French restaurant for their date. Before they left she gave him a card. She told him that he had been her first love and that he would always be her hero. The card ended with a personal request for a private dance.

She took him into the formal living room where the song “My Little Girl” by Tim McGraw began playing and they danced together as if they had all the time in the world. It was truly a “redeeming moment in time” that I will never forget watching. For just a moment it seemed like nothing in the world was wrong. The love between a father and a daughter overshadowed all the storms.

What precious moments in your life have you been putting off until the right moment? I encourage you to seize the moment and “dance in the middle of the storm.” Don’t wait until it passes. Life is too short to wait. There is too much to be missed.

Stop and take stock of what really counts in your life. Do more then tell some one you love them. Show them. Get rid of the busyness and get back to the basics. It might surprise you how much you fill your life with things that just simply do not matter in the grand scheme of things.

Vow tomorrow to start doing the things that really matter. My greatest wish for each of you is to stop and dance……….

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Keeping My Eyes On Joy

2008-09-19T21:22:00.002-04:00

"Be not grieved or depressed, for the joy of the Lord is your strength and stronghold" - Nehemiah 8:10

Today I learned a lesson from many friends of mine who always rally around me when I feel the joy slipping. Friends are angels who lift you up when your wings are broken. They remind me of the importance of keeping the faith and of the truths that sustain me. They help me to keep believing when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you all. You know who you are.

Here is an excerpt from an email I received from my friend Connie inn Marianna that says it all about keeping the faith:

Here is a little something that I read today

Faith believes it possesses before it sees.

Every promise of God exists in the unseen, invisible realm. The unseen is more real than the seen because it includes everything God has ever had in His heart to speak into existence.

We are asking the wrong question when we ask, When is God going to do it? He has already done it, provided, taken care of it.....whatever "it" is.
The right question is When am I going to believe I recieve?

Remember we are not sight-walking people but faith walking people. We don't have to see or feel or taste or touch or hear before we believe and receive.

Faith receives when it prays. We either rest in our faith, knowing we have received until it becomes visible, or we become frustrated and begin to struggle with our faith.

Walking by faith and not by sight requires the renewal of our minds, transformation of our thinking, and retraining our whole way of believing and receiving. And that is not our job. God has given us the Holy Spirit to do that work for us.

As we focus on the Fathers promises....His Word written in the Bible and in our hearts....the Holy Spirit builds and increases our faith. His work in us enables us to believe and receive. Just like we believed we received our salvation before we saw anything in us change, we believe we receive everything else in our life of faith.

Every promise of God, every provision for your life, every answer to every problem is in the invisible realm. You and I are not waiting for things to come to us...things are waiting to be taken hold of! Faith brings everything in to the visible realm...believing whatever you desire is already yours and taking it.

By the stripes of Jesus I was healed. I take my healing now!!

Do what Jesus said to do in Mark 11:24 Whatever things you desire or want or need, when you pray, believer you take and possess them and you shall have them.

Take hold of what God has promised....lay hold of the invisible......Take it today.

This was an article that I read just a bit ago and I thought wow that is right on time..................this is exactly where it is...........it is exactly what God told me.....I had asked Him when He was going to fix me and He asked me When are you going to believe me.............I have already done it. You just need to believe me and trust my Word.

Love you, Connie

Each of you lift mne up in so many different ways.........girlfriends are forever! Thank you thank you thank you all of you.

Blessings,

Rene

Hope Floats

2008-09-14T13:48:00.002-04:00

"Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." - Romans 5:5

God certainly works in mysterious ways! He encourages us to "hang on to hope" despite what we see happening around us by trusting Him and keeping an expectant heart. It seems that the anchor that we cling to, once again, all comes back to the power of love. There is no greater power in the universe. Even the greatest scientific minds of our time concur on this point.

And so it was, after last weeks' unsettling events and test results, the only choice we had, was to surrender to the love of God and "believe it before we see it," as we journey towards the victory and destruction of the enemy cancer. We jumped back up after a discouraging moment, remembering our motto "tough times never last but tough cookies do!"

We cannot help but wonder about God's orchestration of things as we look back at how certain events have fallen in place. I told you about the Chinese doctor and how I happened upon him quite coincidentally, and his recommendation of Chinese medicine. We decided to go forward (after our last meeting to review the scan results) with the Chinese approach to curing cancer with major emphasis on Reishi mushroom medicine, along with the brewed herbs from the mountains of China, and corbrin pills.

Then "coincidentally" the "fellow" Doctor we met with at our last meeting week before last, was unable to facilitate Johnny getting his B-12 shot necessary to start the chemo scheduled for this past Friday. So we did not start the new 2nd line defense chemo yet. (Could this have been a "God moment" making room for a chance to try the alternative method?)

But we DID get to talk with our oncologist about the specific possibility of giving the chinese medicine several weeks trial and we were thrilled to have her 100% support. We told her we had already started it for a week and in my research I found that the recommended amount was at least four cups of Reishi mushroom brew (he had only been drinking one cup per day) so we decided that for one week we would "sock it to it" with the recommended 4 cups of reishi mushroom, 2 cups of the brewed herbs, and 15 pills of corbrin per day.

Our oncologist has another patient also using Reishi but on a slow growing tumor. So she is unable to chart the effects as well. Considering Johnny's tumor indicated fast growth and that the chinese medicine information could possibly show results within several weeks, we decided to do another CAT scan this coming Thursday, which, if there is any significant change found in the scan, would prove that the Chinese medicine approach SPECIFICALLY was responsible.

WOO HOO! How exciting is that? And it makes me wonder about God's plan in all this. If the last scan we had prayed for yielded results it would have been due to chemo. If this scan yields good results it will be because of chinese medicine. That is exciting to me because Reishi mushroom therapy has NO SIDE EFFECTS. It does no harm to the patient. Could this be a clue to the answer the world seeks?

That has always been what distresses me about traditional western medical approaches to treat cancer. With chemo we infuse the body with poison which destroys our immune system and blood counts and has been proven to cause more cancer. With surgery (specifically masechtomy) the patient is maimed and mutilated of some necessary part of the body and side effects like lymphodema are something the patient must live with forever. With radiation the skin and organs are fried and this also has been proven to cause more cancer and bodily disfunction.

It seems like we have strayed from the original goal in medicine that Hippocrates mentions when he states that medicine will "do no harm." Wouldn't it be incredible if Western and Eastern medicine could combine forces hand in hand to effectively remove this scourge of the earth we call cancer? Wouldn't it be wonderful to find a cure to save those we love and those that others love all over the world?

From the research I have done it seems that the very minimum of possibilities to be had from exploring Chinese medicine is that it can work with Western medicine to eliminate the devastating and body wasting side effects of chemo, and radiation. That alone would be a blessing. But here is what else it has been documented to do.

1. Supports immune resistance during chemo and radiation.
2. Protects against bladder cancer cell growth
3. Possibly supresses invasive breast cancer cell growth
4. Stimulates cytokines, macrophages, and T-cells
5. Inhibits platelet aggregation
6. Protects liver from chemical damage
7. Sedative
8. Promotes feeling of well being
9. Cardio tonic - cardio vascular effects
10. Lowers blood pressure
11. Reduces or eliminates tumors.
12. Cancer preventative
13. Anti-allergies
14. Anti-inflammatory
15. Hepatitis
16. Anti-stress

So we march onward in battle and our days are filled with brewing and drinking the chinese medicine. We have also added other strategies including the power of prayer and speaking the Word and daily affirmations that Johnny's body is filled with all the healing forces necessary to bring his body back to good health.

We thank you all for your encouragment and prayers. Keep us in prayer again for our next CAT scan. Perhaps THIS is the scan God meant us to find. Meanwhile, we keep floating on hope.

Beautiful blessings,

Rene

I Will Not Be Broken - Faith No Matter What

2008-09-09T12:53:00.003-04:00

"It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." - Psalm 118:8

I apologize for taking so long to get this blog out. I had written an entry this weekend to update you on the results of Johnny's CAT scan. The text mysteriously disappeared as I went to copy and paste it from WORD to this website. Talk about kicking and screaming! I started it at midnight Saturday and it took me two hours to do. It was a very emotionally charged one, so tears were streaming down my face the entire time I wrote it. And suddenly it was gone.

Well, that of course kept me up another hour trying to search through my computer trying to figure out where it could possibly have gone. Then when I finally gave up and went to bed I couldn't go to sleep wracking my brain. I got up again and searched the computer more. I didn't get to sleep until about 4am.

Maybe God had a better message to send you through my typing fingers. So here goes take two.

Thank all of you who took the time out of your life to remember ours and pray for Johnny's CAT scan to be a positive report. It was not to be. His tumor has increased by 30% and the adrenal gland site has also grown. They decided to NOT do his scheduled chemo session because of the poor results on the tumor. They are going to try another chemo which helps only 20% of patients and it only offers several weeks of longetivity beyond the prognosis. It is a milder chemo with less side effects.

Johnny's blood count was lower than they needed it to be for a chemo session, so we got a reprieve for this week. Since the prognosis was so grave and the doctor even mentioned a point of no treatment at all for quality of life - I thought it an opportune moment to bring up the possibility of alternative medicine. I had done some research on Mayo Clinic's website and was happy to find that they were starting to explore other methods to use in conjunction with traditional treatments.

I recently crossed paths with a Chinese doctor , who I discovered when I saw a sign for "Reflexology" in his window while driving by. I whirled the car aroun in a u-turn to go get some information. He was available right then and I made an appointment for a reflexology foot massage (one of those heaven on earth moments). During the session we talked in broken English (and pencil and pad drawings) and I told him about Johnny and the diagnosis.

He told me that his wife had lung cancer 4 years ago and that she was treated with chemotherapy and radiation along with a chinese herbal regimen at a hospital in Beijing. She is still alive today. He believes the combination of Western and Eastern medicine is the key to achieving the greatest success in treating a patient. The difference with combining forces is less side effects from the chemo and a stronger immune system to battle the damage from treatments, and to multiply our bodies own "cancer-killer" cells that we already have. Consequently, the patient has more stamina and strength.

He asked me to come back for another visit so he could explain and show me what he was talking about. So I returned and sat down with him at his desk. He described the tallest mountain in China and drew me a picture of it with the snow caps on top. Then he showed me right below the snow area where hundreds of herbs and mushrooms grow that are watered by the melting snow. These are harvested and are used in China especially to treat cancer but also for many other ailments due to their many medicinal properties.

He brought out this bag of herbs and told me that when Doctors write a prescription at Beijing Hospital this is what the patient receives. The "medicine" is prepared by boiling the bag of herbs in a special ceramic pot for an hour. The liquid is poured into two glasses. The pot is filled with water again. One more hour of boiling. Two more glasses of liquid. Next he brought out a box of 10 packets. The powder was concentrated Reishi mushroom powder which the Chinese consider the "king of herbs" in their country. Part of the mushroom's properties in dealing with tumors is that it shrivels tumors and prevents them from sticking to an organ's wall. It also boosts the immune system into a weapon of mass destruction.

It has been several weeks since this meeting but I have told Johnny about it, and though he was interested he still wanted to wait to see what results came from the CAT Scan. That morning as we set in the Doctor's office hearing the discouraging news, I leaned over and whispered in his ear "Can I ask now about the chinese herbs?" He didn't hesitate to say yes. So we told the Doctor what we knew. The Doctor was alot more receptive than I thought he would be. He mentioned Mayo Clinic's great interest in research and finding the cure for the incurable. Lung cancer is such a cancer. Especially Stage 4.

The synchronicity of coincidences appearing in our lives lately steering us towards alternative solutions is interesting. Two separate individuals have brought us information about the healing power of kambucha mushrooms just in the last several days. I was handed a magazine at the health food store with a cover story on the medicinal benefits of maitake, reishi, and shiitake mushrooms. Could their be magic in mushrooms? Let us know what you think. Let us know if you have information.

We have decided to take a leap of faith and try the tea. We are curious if it will boost Johnny's blood count on the test he will have done Friday. We will never give up fighting - never! never! never!

But let's go back to the day of the office visit, the discouraging news, and getting our faith back on track after a left hook from the devil. When we returned home we both kind of walked around in circles. We knew there were alot of people waiting on our call. Especially Scarlett. We really didn't say much during the ride home. We were still in shock after our great expectations of seeing a miracle. What happens to our faith when God sends an answer we don't want to hear??

I walked back to find Johnny sitting in his old office chair. It used to be his seat of power when we were "rocking and rolling" in our successful drywall business. Phones would ring, walkie talkies would chirp, fax machines would roll, printers would fly, file cabinets would overflow, and in/out boxes were stacked high. Now the office was silent and empty except for the pictures and books of Florida State Seminoles, Johnny posing with his favorite coach Bobby Bowden and friends, and the many relics of Johnny's Southern heritage he is so proud of.

I looked at Johnny stooped in the chair staring at the floor. The ravages of chemo and the disease left their toll on his now frail body. He has straggly wisps of grey hair left on his head, his face was gaunt, bony protrusions show through his teeshirt where his strong shoulders and back used to be. His muscles have atrophied. He looked up at me standing in the doorway and gave me a half grin. He patted his lap for me to come sit like in the old days. Before I stepped forward we just locked eyes.

I realized when I look at him, I look beyond his damaged body, to the soul of the man that stole my heart 33 years ago. I'll never forget the day we locked eyes in a crowded room full of people for the first time. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen with piercing green eyes, dark glossy hair. and the body of a greek god. He looked like Elvis in his early Vegas days. When he smiled at me I knew I was hooked. All the girls in my dorm swooned over him. But I was the lucky one he asked out to dinner.

He had a Southern drawl that made me melt and an adventurous spirit that excited me about life. A short time before our wedding he took me for a ride in his brand new Mach I Ford down some lonesome country roads near his home in Campbellton, Florida. He pulled to a stop in the middle of nowhere with his hand on the stick shift. He looked at me and smiled that "Elvis smile" with his curled lip and asked "Want a thrill baby?" I smiled back and answered "Go for it!"

Wheels squealed from smoking tires that sped down the road at breakneck speed. I was thrilled! And it's been that way for ever since. We celebrate our 33rd anniversary on October 4th. It has been an adventure in life I would have never missed, but there were some times of holding on extra tight for dear life! However - I can say I have truly lived.

As I walked towards Johnny sitting in the office tears started rolling down both our faces. I straddled him in the chair and squatted down to hug him - I couldn't sit because his body is too fragile to hold me. He pressed his face into my chest - my half chest, left from the ravages of my own cancer treatments. We kissed. Our kisses are so different now. They mean so much more than they did before. They are fragile kisses - like butterfly kisses. They are so filled with a love that is redefined by tragedy.

We started talking then. We praised God and determined we would not let this break our faith. We determined that God was still in control. We knew that though we did not understand the answer at the moment that God knew and was working in the wings. Our greatest concern was telling Scarlett. She has so much going on, as her photography business soars to greater heights, we did not want this to throw her off course. She trusts the Lord in all things and we did not want the devil to hit her with doubt when she heard the CAT scan report. She has such a fragile and tender heart about her Daddy. He is her rock and she knows he always "has her back" in life. We hesitated telling her until she returned from the convention in California but we knew we had to keep her in the loop.

I jumped in the car to go tell her in person but she called before I could get there so I had to tell her on the phone. I think by the grace of God she was so busy preparing for her second shooter's arrival from Los Angeles (the marvelous Jen), the wedding coming up in Jeckyll Island they would be shooting together, shopping and packing for her trip, juggling her new "customer consierge" Rachel, her new services for other photographers where they can come "Spend a Day With Scarlett," and the whole whirlwind which is now her life - God has kept her too busy to dwell on the latest news about Johnny. It wasn't until later that she called me and cried.

So how do you hold on to hope when things look hopeless? You surrender all to God.The first thing Johnny wanted to do was hold an immediate "holy healing session." But he did not want it for himself. He wanted to pray only for all those we know suffering illnesses and cancer. We know so many! Everyone needs a miracle not just us. And as I was reminded by my Mother when I called to tell her we didn't get our miracle, she said "You didn't get your miracle YET!"

Those six words blazed themselves into my mind as I struggled to get my perspective right and keep my faith in order. YET. I didn't get it YET. It really made me think of the story where the man is up on top of his roof in a flood as the water keeps rising and he is SURE that God will rescue him. A rowboat comes along to help but he sends them away saying "God will save me." A helicopter comes along to help and he sends it away saying "God will save me." The waters finally rise and drown him so he is now up in heaven at the pearly gates and very mad at God. "Why didn't you save me?" he screams at God. God calmly looks back at him and says "I sent a boat and a helicopter."

And so it is the answers come to us in unexpected ways. It makes me wonder about the chinese doctor that was placed in our path. He arrived in our lives weeks ago. He has patiently waited. We were not ready to consider th ealternative step until the CAT scan results. But now - at the moment we are ready - this solution waits in place. I know that God is the great orchestrator of all things. I know that all things work together for good to those who love God. I know when we do not give up and keep trusting God He speaks to us. It is the getting still, the quieting of our hearts - even in the midst of raging storms of doubt - that we can hear Him speak and guide us.

And I am serving notice right here and now to the devil "Get thee from me Satan!" Go! Go! Go! We are conquering cancer with the sword of the spirit. This battle is already won. The cancer wants the body and the devil wants the soul. But it will never happen. The victory is ours despite whatever outcome is God's will. I have listened to so many friends, family, and colleagues over the years and despite some horrific challenges people have faced including loss of child, parent, spouse, home, hope, and tragedies like rape, incest, abuse, addiction, handicaps, I have ALWAYS encouraged everyone to KEEP THE FAITH no matter what!

I realize how hard that is to do at times. And now, here in our own huge challenge I must take my own advice. I must never lose faith or forget how powerful my God is. If I can tell everyone else to do it - I can do it too. Our God is an awesome God. He is there in all things great and small. He cares for each of us as if we were the only living creature on earth. And yet, He still has time to make the universe run on schedule, down to something as miniscule as a worm giving birth.

Yes, He reminded me of this the other day on my dog walk as I stood waiting for Lucky and Rhett to move on. As I stared down at the sidewalk I noticed a worm writhing on the cement then leave a tiny puddle behind. As I continued staring mindlessly I suddenly noticed the puddle moved. Now I was fascinated like a child, and stooped down to see what was moving it. I saw a tiny hairlike thread that grew RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES into an inch long worm that slithered away. I believe God was sending me a message to remember that all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed. Mighty things can grow from it.

And so, our faith is renewed and restored even through new levels that we walk through. We thank our Lord for His tender mercies and we thank all of you for standing in the gap for us as we continue this journey to victory. We wish for each of you, the faith of a mustard seed that will bloom and grow into a brilliant power to light up your life and sustain you through your own trials. Never let go of God's hand. He walks with you through it all. He carries you on His shoulders during tough times. It is then you look down and see just one set of footprints in the sand.

Blessings and love from Johnny, Scarlett, and me.....

Rene

Be Still My Soul

2008-09-03T13:35:00.002-04:00

“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations I will be exalted in the earth.” - Psalms 46:10

The way we listen determines how we live. And the way we live determines how we are blessed. I am learning this day by day as Johnny and I travel on this journey through cancer to victory. The most important lesson, and the hardest one, is learning to “be still my soul” and to find the time to get quiet so I can hear God’s whispers to my heart.

In my last blog you will recall that I shared a moment of faith I had while listening to Johnny sleep. This was the night before his emergency blood test. Last Friday he had been tested and the results revealed extremely low blood counts. The nurse Toni from Mayo Clinic called and requested that we return the next day for a follow-up test to see if the counts were continuing down. She prepared us for the possibility of a blood platelet transfusion, if the numbers were still low. It might be a necessity before the next chemo session.

That night I forced myself to lay in bed and NOT fall asleep. I had an appointment with God that I wanted to keep. We had a few things to discuss and I wanted to step out in faith and try “walking on water.” I had recently spent time in prayer with Scarlett to help her dodge a few of Satan’s arrows he was slinging. I reminded her that the ole devil hits us with his best shot when we are on the brink of a breakthrough, to new levels in our faith and in our walk with Him.

Once again my own faith was confirmed by lighting someone else’s candle. As I lay there being still, I thought that I should take a “spoonful of medicine” that I just ministered to my daughter. If I believed everything I had just told her, if I believed that nothing was impossible with God, if I believed what Jesus said when He told his disciple that his heirs would do even greater miracles than He, as witnesses to His truth, if I believed that God indeed answers all prayer, if I believed that I truly trusted Him in all things, if I believed that healing was possible – then I had to walk through my hesitation of believing that I could pray over Johnny in the middle of the night and that his blood counts could be transformed instantly before the test in the morning.

So that night as I lay there I reached out my hand to touch him and declared him healed. As I did this I poured all the love in my heart out to him through my fingertips and I cast doubt out – just for a moment. Just like Peter, stepping out of the boat, my spirit soared above the water, and I walked on the ocean of love in my heart. I walked on the desire to believe with every beat of my heart that it was possible to transform my love into a power that surpassed all understanding. I wanted Johnny to be healed more than I wanted to breathe at the moment. I cried out in my spirit for God to catch him and hold him in His mighty arms. I asked him to take Johnny’s wounded body and make him whole.

For that twinkling of a moment I believed. And then, like Peter I gasped “Oh my! Is this possible what I am really doing?” Johnny stirred at that moment so I said “OK God, its in Your hands now.” Then I fell into a deep sleep and I’m sure I rocked the house snoring. Yes! By the grace of God I am human and lately often have to go sleep in another room so Johnny can sleep peacefully. But isn’t that what love is all about? Admitting our frailty and being loved despite ourselves?

So hallelujah! Fast forward to this morning. We had not heard anything from Mayo Clinic regarding our results. I reached the nurse today and we received THE ASTOUNDING news that Johnny’s blood count had inexplicably shot up overnight…hmmmmm…..call it what you will but I’m calling it a miracle! No blood transfusion necessary! Thank You Lord for your tender mercies!

So I come to each of you today and ask you to help us with another miracle. Tomorrow is Johnny’s next CAT SCAN to find the new results of what damage to the tumor and other sites has been done with treatments. We are praying to see progress with our weapons of mass destruction (prayer being the greatest weapon) combined with the chemotherapy. Will you please join us in prayer for miraculous results?

The test will be done tomorrow (Thursday) at 12:50pm EST. I ask you to join hearts with us tomorrow and send us all the love you can muster at the appointed time. Take our hands and walk together with us towards miracles in His name. Help us to abound in HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit. By the mouth of two or three witnesses He has told us “EVERY WORD SHALL BE ESTABLISHED.” 2 Corinthians 13:1

So we ask you to join us as we decree Johnny’s healing – as we trust in the promises of the Lord – the Great Physician – to restore Johnny’s health. We also ask, not only for Johnny’s healing, but for all who are broken in heart, body or spirit – those we know and those who we do not know – those who struggle through their own circumstances that need healing – we ask that God will extend the same healing that we ask for ourselves – to all of those we pray for also. If He can do for one He can do for all.

We thank you ahead of time for your prayers and compassion and the miracles to come. And we thank the Lord our God for His amazing grace. AMEN!

Beautiful Blessings to you all,

Rene

How Bright Is Your Light?

2008-08-31T17:48:00.000-04:00

“Let your light so shine before men…” – Matthew 5:16

Today in church was like the icing on the cake of a week filled with a lot of joy despite a few minor setbacks. The week began with having to take Johnny back in to Mayo Clinic to get an hydration infusion because he had become dehydrated. He hadn’t eaten in a week except the few protein drinks and a little soup I prodded him to get in.

He was taking longer to get over the side effects of the last chemo session and his appetite just wouldn’t come back. When I called to tell the nurse, she had us come in immediately. It did the trick. By the next day he was dreaming again of all his favorite foods and we started a week long food fest to restore his stamina and energy and weight.

Despite his very weakest moments Johnny’s faith continues to get stronger everyday. We listen to a CD of bible verses every night as I massage his aching bones and I feel like God’s word is saturating his cells with the light of His love. We listen to miracle after miracle that Jesus performed and remind ourselves of the healing that is possible.

At Sunday school this morning my teacher Shirley Howell shared with us that Faith is Forsaking All In Trusting Him. I believe that when we surrender everything, we open the door to the channel that accesses His power into our lives. It lets in the light.

During our church service, our Pastor Bill Yeldell continued explaining how we can light up the world, by letting people see the light of God shining within us. He reminded us that darkness does not put out the light – that the light puts out the darkness. So it was in the beginning. The first thing God created was the light.

We had a guest singer this morning who sang the song “Go Light The World” and she had the whole congregation on their feet applauding and raising their hands up as her heavenly voice sang the words:

There is a candle in every soul,
some burning brightly, and some dark and cold
And there is a spirit who brings a fire,
ignites the candle and makes his home.

Carry your candle run to the darkness,
seek out the helpless confused and torn.
Hold out your candle for all to see it,
take your candle and go light the world

Frustrated brother, see how he tries to
light his own candle some other way
See now your sister, she’s been robbed and lied to,
still holds a candle without a flame

So carry your candle, run to the darkness,
seek out the lonely, the tired and worn.
Hold out your candle for all to see it,
take your candle go light the world

Cause we are a family, whose hearts are blazing,
so lets raise our candles, and light up the sky.
Praying to out Father, in the name of Jesus,
make us a beacon in darkest times.

Carry your candle run to the darkness,
seek out the hopeless, deceived and torn.
And hold out your candle for all to see it,
take your candle and go light the world.

I’ve been thinking a lot about “the light” this week. Seeing the light come back into Johnny’s eyes is one of my happiest moments. There were a lot of “God moments” this week, but my biggest one occurred as I stood washing dishes one night. It was as if an invisible white sparkling wave of peace swept into the kitchen and enveloped me in the twinkling of an eye.

It didn’t last long – but a moment of truth can last an eternity – as it permeates every cell in your body with a hope and a peace that surpasses all understanding. I just suddenly felt as if everything was going to be all right. I felt like God had gathered me into His bosom and was trying to make me understand – don’t worry. I couldn’t explain it. I had no proof. But it was a fact. I had a faith.

And I learned something this week about faith. I learned what makes it stronger. I found that when you take your own candle and light someone else’s it makes you stronger. I learned that by doing this you affirm what you believe. By encouraging another to have faith it puts your own faith to the test. You cannot share something you don’t have yourself.

Faith puts you in a precarious position. You must trust in something where you are not sure what the outcome may be, but you TRUST that it is always for the greater good. It is what I must do when I pray for Johnny’s healing and at the same time be prepared for God’s will whatever that may be. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But when those moments of heavenly balance come there is no greater peace. It is when I allow GOD to define the word victory that we sing and shout for.

This week after Johnny’s blood test we cast care to the wind and took the coastal drive down A1A to one of our favorite French restaurants in St. Augustine – Le Pavillion. Johnny was looking forward to their famous bouillabaisse fish stew. We put the windows down to take in the salt air as we drove by the sea to our destination. We drove slow and let cars fly by us. We refused to be hurried.

We remembered the days when it was us in such a hurry, moving through life at such a breakneck speed. Going through a battle with cancer teaches you many things. It teaches you to slow down and savor every moment. It teaches you to look at life through new eyes. Now I understand the words in the song “Amazing Grace.” I was blind but now I see.

When we returned home there was a message from the nurse that results showed Johnny’s platelets were too low again. She called us back in for another blood test Saturday morning and told us he might need a blood transfusion this week before his next chemo session. Please keep him in prayer. Friday night as I lay next to him and listened to him sleeping I reached out my hand and touched him as I prayed to God.

I was talking to God about faith and asking for His grace to keep me strong as I accepted His will. I asked for the faith to believe His word which instructed us to believe we have the power to heal with love. I timidly whispered out “You are healed in the name of Jesus by His stripes!” in the darkness and let my heart fill up with all the love I could muster. Now we will see what the blood test says. Yet still I accept His will - either way.

I wish you all a world full of lighted candles. Take your lighted candles and go find the darkness to light up the world. Don’t look for understanding, look for faith. Open the doors and let the “son” shine in on whatever situation troubles you. How bright is your light? Let them see God when they look at you. Live what you believe. Live in the light. Live in peace. Then pass it on.

Walking On Water

2008-08-21T16:18:00.000-04:00

“Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.” - Matthew 14: 27

The tropical storm winds are roaring and swirling around us here in Florida as I write you today. I hear the pounding on the roof as tree limbs fall and roll to the ground. My computer continues to blink on and off. I look outside and see the scattered debris. It’s like Mother Nature’s way of cleaning house. Then She sends the rain to clean it all up and wash away that which has been pruned.

It makes me wonder if the storms of our life are not the same. If there is purpose in everything, then I can only believe that there are lessons to be learned from our own challenges we each go through. There is always good to be found in the worst of storms.

And so I think this is what Jesus means when He tells us to trust Him and take our eyes off the storm and keep them on Him. He is trying to lead us to our own truths. One of my favorite books is called “If You Want To Walk On Water You Have To Get Out Of The Boat” by John Ortberg.

It beautifully illustrates the story in the bible found in Matthew 14:22-33. Jesus has just performed another miracle by feeding the throngs of over 5,000 men, women and children with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. He blessed the food, broke it up, looked up to heaven and told His apostles to pass the baskets around. There were 12 baskets of food left when they were done.

Now He was ready to show the apostles some miracle making power so He sent the crowds away and told the apostles to take the boat out to sea and headed to the mountain to re-up His power through prayer. Then here comes the storm! So He heads back down to show the apostles a few trade secrets. He starts by walking on water over the tossing waves to the boat in the middle of the stormy sea.

The “terrified twelve” are freaking out and hollering “it’s a ghost!” because they can’t believe their eyes. Jesus tells them to chill out by saying “Be of good cheer! It is I; don’t be afraid.” So Peter, (who Jesus coincidentally later makes ‘the rock’ of the church) rises to the occasion and wants proof asking “If it is You command me to come to You on the water.”

Jesus says one word…………”COME.” Peter jumps out, starts walking then – hello! We have a miracle in action here! Peter is doing fine until he comes out of his truth (which was following his first instinct to believe with faith) and looks at the swirling storm around him. Faith turns to fear and he starts sinking and cries out for help. Jesus stretches out His hand to catch him and says “Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

Then they hopped into the boat and the storm left. But everyone in the boat KNEW and declared “You are the Son of God!” I can just see Jesus shaking His head thinking “when will these guys get it?”

Johnny and I have been riding out another “chemo storm” since last Friday. He felt alright until late Sunday when his taste buds starting going away and his stomach became queasy. Now he has no appetite again and very little strength because he is not eating. It is during these times that our faith can be a roller coaster ride. It is during these times that I know we must follow the example of Jesus and head to the mountain.

Then we are ready to “get out of the boat.” We realize the power of prayer and how important it is to over-ride the power of the physical body with spiritual muscle. Everyday we must pump the iron of prayer to stay strong and keep our eyes on Jesus. It is very easy to slip away and let the emotions of despair and fear and hopelessness get a stronghold on your soul. Prayer is the antidote. His word is our weapons we must fight with daily to protect ourselves and to position ourselves in a place where the boat doesn’t rock.

During our “holy healing” session today we also included some healing oils found in the bible to anoint Johnny with. Yesterday I dug out “The Maker’s Diet” by Jordan Reuben and read Johnny the incredible story of his journey from sickness to health. He finally was healed by studying the bible and all the references to herbs and food and oils that God leads us to in His word.

It is amazing to realize the power of the precious oils, including those brought to the baby Jesus (like Frankincense and Myrrh.) I forgot I had some bottles of oil mixtures created by Jordan Reuben that I had bought many years ago. So I found them in the back of my closet and brought them out for Johnny. One bottle is to be used in the morning and one bottle to help you rest at night.

Last night I rubbed the evening oils in my palms and and cupped my hands around Johnny’s nose to inhale. Then I massaged his body with my fragrant palms. These oils are so strong that when you rub the feet you can taste them in your tongue within a minute.

This morning I did the same with the morning oil which stimulates your senses and energizes your body. During our prayer session the doorbell rang and our lovely neighbors, the Mayhues brought us a fresh cut basket full of fragrant flowers. The lillies, daisies, roses and gardenias filled the whole living room with a delightful scent to finish our prayer session with.

Speaking of good neighbors, it is so sweet to see the Christian spirit alive and well in the neighbors that surround us. Yesterday, the doorbell rang, and the Martins family sent a team of their children (3 out of the nine kids) to help us clear the yard of anything that might blow in the wind. Now our house and garage are filled with flower pots, patio and porch chairs and tables and angel statues as we ride out the winds.

Another neighbor the Atz family brings us goodies every week from Publix. And our next door neighbors the McCollums keep us supplied with chocolate from their Peterbrooke store.
Other neighbors push our empty garbage cans up to the house when we are late picking them up. And so many others stop and ask about Johnny and our journey when I am out walking Lucky our dog. We are so thankful to live in a neighborhood where people care about each other.

But let me also clarify that our “community” of neighbors throughout this particular journey extends far past the geographical boundaries of this neighborhood. It includes a large host of family and friends and strangers that help us out in so many ways. They help us with chores, deliver meals, invite us to dinner, send encouraging things to read and listen to, call us, visit us, email us and so many more things then I can describe here.

So even in the midst of this storm – I can see a greater purpose. I can hear God reminding us of the reasons he created us. The simple truth is so easily lost as we rush through life focusing on the wrong things and then wondering why we don’t have joy.

This morning as I prayed during our “holy healing session” I thanked God for the journey and asked Him to never let me forget the lessons of patience, surrender, faith, appreciation, love and trust that I was learning from all this. I asked Him to remember all the others who I love that are on a similar journey. I know too many people battling cancer right now.

I asked God to give us the strength to defeat the enemy so we could carry our message of light to the world together. Darkness cannot exist in the light. I remind all of you to flick on the switch if you find yourself in a dark room. The light is there waiting for each of us.

Most of all, I wish for each of you, the faith to get out of the boat and walk on water! See the hand of Jesus outstretched and waiting to catch you if you fall. He beckons to each of us to “come.” He promises us miracles if we can only learn to trust Him.

We need a LOT of faith, not just a little. Peter was a great starter but a poor finisher when he stepped out of the boat. Faith is something you have to keep pumping up. And the best way is through continued daily prayer. Let your “yes be yes” when God says “come” and “be not afraid.” If God brings you to it He will bring you through it.

As my Aunt Gerri has always reminded us “this too shall pass.” I pray that whatever storms you find yourself in the midst of will also pass soon.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Putting Feet To Our Faith

2008-08-13T23:49:00.001-04:00

“Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of faith produces patience.” James 1:3

I’ve been learning a lot about the meaning of this particular verse this past week. It’s been a very trying week with Johnny’s blood platelets down again. He had to be retested several times and those blood tests are something he does not look forward to. Here is a man who does not even like walking through hospital doors, so it takes every ounce of fortitude he has to get through all that is required in fighting this dreaded cursed enemy!

At least our battlefield we face the giants on, is the grounds of Mayo Clinic here in Jacksonville, Florida. They have the finest troops and the most advanced weapons, in a heavenly atmosphere that fosters hope and patience. We have found that the fastest road to patience is really putting feet to our faith.

Faith is something you get up every day and fight for. I try to communicate what I learn about it here in this blog, but though I might convey it with eloquent words, what I know I have learned through a knock down, bloody fight to never give up. God did not promise us easy. He just promises us to be there beside us always.

Patience is defined as refusing to be provoked or angered or losing self control. It is the ability to wait calmly for something desired. It is resolute endurance that results from firm sustained courage. This week a tear rolled down my face. Just out of the blue, driving Johnny to his blood test, I don’t know why. The test was on. The refining of my faith was in motion.

It was a roller coaster ride for a couple of days. One tear released a flood and I suddenly was battling emotions, doubt, fear and all the other “cancers of the soul.” On hindsight I was reminded again of the story of how silver is turned into a precious metal. It is put to the heat until all the trash is removed, and the silversmith can see his reflection in it. I think the producing of patience is the same principle, that gleans doubt, fear, confusion and anything that blocks the flow of faith through us. Patience comes after a good housecleaning of the soul. But first you must recognize its time to clean and then polish up with prayer! We need to keep polishing until we can see His relection in us.

I have found that faith is a verb not a noun. It’s important to keep a sense of humor too. We opened a gift box full of goodies today that included a book (Consider The Butterfly by Carol Lynn Pearson) a sweet soul had sent, and it had a blue butterfly on the front of the book. Inside was a poem that made me laugh because it reminded me of what we learned about faith this week. It’s what can be meant when God tells us to “arise and walk!”

Buttprints In The Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, What have we here?
Those prints are large and round and neat,
But Lord, they are too big for feet.

My child, He said in somber tones,
For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.

You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith you would not know.
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.

Because in life there comes a time,
When men must fight and men must climb,
When men must rise and men must stand,
Or leave their buttprints in the sand.

Johnny and I both got a good laugh reading it and considered it another little miracle along the way accompanied by a blue butterfly! We realized it brought a message to us reminding us to never let up praying and speaking the word, and leaving any room for the spirits of doubt and fear to get a foothold. It is so easy to get lazy in a comfort zone and slack up. But the sword of the spirit must be constantly wielded and guarding our hearts. Speaking God’s word is the best way to defend our faith.

So I wish you all a walk of faith today and encourage you to make prayer a priority to keep plugged into the power. If the room is dark you have to flick the switch to turn the light on. Prayer is the switch. Just have a conversation with God. Make sure to thank Him for all your blessings. Remember that there is nothing that can happen today and everyday that you and God can’t handle together.

Beautiful Blessings!

Rene

Leaning On The Everlasting Arms

2008-08-03T19:02:00.002-04:00

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms" - Deuteronomy

These have been tough days for us both. Johnny had a blood test done Friday and the nurse called soon after with concern because Johnny's white blood cell count and his blood platelets were below average. She took emergency precautions and told him to start the antibiotics levaquin. She was concerned about his heightened risk to germs and contracting an infection. He has lost 12 twelve pounds this week since his last chemo on Friday. I do my best to force him to eat. These last few days I have been able to sneak in a milkshake and a health smoothie or two down him but his heart is simply not there. No appetite. Period.

Johnny LOVES culinary delights of alll kinds. He normally has a huge gusto for eating and a large appetite. This is the man who can normally eat 5 dozen raw oysters at Shell's oyster bar in Tallahassee before every Seminole home game. To see him frown at the sight of food breaks my heart. But this morning I think he may have been rounding a corner on the way back. Number one he smiled when he woke up. I could hear a little more life in his voice. I saw a little color in his cheeks. I kissed my angel good morning.

Did you ever stop and think about what a beautiful thing a smile is? I havent seen Johnny smile in two days and I realized that I had stopped smiling too. When two souls are so closely connected it is easy for the dividing line to blur sometimes. I felt myself slipping into a darkness filled with fear, and worry, and frustration, and low tolerance for normal aggravations (like cable problems). I heard myself sighing more and more often. Then finally yesterday I had to stop and think when Johnny leaned forward and said "Are you ok?"

"Of course I am!" was my first reaction. "You're the patient." Then I looked in the mirror and saw a face that was pinched with worry and looked 10 years older. I realized that when Johnny sinks low into the effects of the chemo I sink with him sometimes because my time is consumed with monitoring him and taking his temperature every hour and trying to make him eat and checking his mood often and being tense when his temp is high and relaxing awhile when it is low. It can be a roller coaster ride at times being a caregiver. But it is all because I love and I wouldnt do it any other way.

But the days when my loved one doesn't smile are very hard days. It 's the days that you beg God to do it your way and just bring my sweetie back right now as good as new! Let me suffer instead of him! Then here come the lessons about trust and patience and believing that God has His hand in it all and all is well all the time. But I'm thinking "my kingdom for a smile!"

And TRUST me, it takes ALOT to take away my smile. Just ask anyone who knows me. Smiling is just something I do bigtime. All the time. I love to smile and I love to make others smile. I have great big teeth that are just made to smile! I believe smiling can help you "fake it til you make it" on blue days. But there are other days you just wonder where your get up and go got up and went. Some mornings you just want to pull the blanket over your head and make the world go away.

Now I know where God's been hiding. He's been under the blanket waiting fo me. He's been drumming His fingers patiently wondering just how long I will try to keep fixing everything all by myself. He knows eventually I will beat myself silly trying to pound my head against the wall frustrated and overwhelmed. Well, here I am God. I'm glad You brought the flashlight. This reminds me of "playing tent" with my friends when I was little. We made our own little world away from the world.

Then it occurs to me - hey! This is what clefting into God's wing is all about. Come to Me and I will give you rest. Leave the world as we know it behind. Find God in the silence. Get quiet in our soul. Sing His praises and wait for Him. Those who wait upon the Lord shall be lifted up on wings of eagles right? God is always waiting to refresh our souls if we just slow down long enough to let Him.

This morning I sang Johnny one of my favorite hymns - "Leaning On the Everlasting Arms." We are determining to smile frequently during the day and to keep praising God. This hymn was written by a man, Anthony J. Showalter, in 1887 who was seeking to comfort bereaved friends that had written him of their troubles. He quoted the scripture from Deuteronomy and was inspired to add to it some more words in the form of song which led to a hymn that was completed by Pastor Elisha A Hoffman:

"What a fellowship, what a joy divine, leaning on the everlasting arms;
what a blessedness what a peace is mine, leaning on the everlasting arms.

O how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way, leaning on the everlasting arms;
O how bright the path grows from day to day, leaning on the everlasting arms.

What have I to dread, what have I to fear, leaning on the everlasting arms;
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near, leaning on the everlasting arms.

CHORUS:

Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms."

The whole point is to find the grace to be able to rest and relax in His loving care at all times. The blanket of His love always waits to enfold us and protect us. The hardest lesson to learn is to GIVE IT UP! Give your burdens to God and keep trusting that HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING!

Help me Lord to keep remembering it was YOU that created the world not me. YOU created all things. YOU know all things. YOU fix all things. You give us the same power to work with You through a simple thing called faith. Faith requires our unwavering belief that no matter what we see it is all leading to our greater good because YOU ARE GOOD.

Grab your blankets folks and run to those everlasting arms in times of trials. And when you have been refreshed and renewed come out shouting His name for all around you to hear and be reassured that whatever the question love is the answer and as we well know - GOD IS LOVE. Our Christian character requires us to live our faith. Our lives should reflect a living prayer as Alison Kraus sings it. It is important to be a beacon of light for those around us to see.

So smile with us today and share a smile with someone. And if all else fails God is always waiting under the blanket with His everlasting arms.

Beautidul Blessings!

Rene

Chasing Blue Butterflies

2008-07-29T10:20:00.000-04:00

“And you will seek Me and you will find Me when you search for Me with all your heart” - Jeremiah 29:13

This weekend we had a special family moment with Scarlett while Johnny still felt good. She brought over a DVD called “The Blue Butterfly” and I boiled a cauldron of fresh peanuts to munch as we watched. Yum! Salty, soft and “sinfully” delicious!

I love how God always finds a way to deliver messages we need to hear at the right moment and in delightful ways. Our family gathering on Sunday was such a day. I wish everyone could watch this movie. I think we each have our own “blue butterfly moments” in life and the message is for all of us.

I take this story to heart as Johnny descends into “chemo-storm #3.” The stormier the times the more our faith gets bombarded with fear and doubts and questions. We seek the answers through the jungles of life looking for the “blue butterfly” that will make everything clear.

In this movie, a little boy with a passion for the study of insects, had brain cancer and 6 months left to live. His “hero” was a reknowned scientist who had found the rare blue butterfly in the amazon rainforests. The scientist believed the butterfly held magical powers and the answers to all life’s questions if you held it in your hand.

The little boy convinced his Mother to find this scientist so he could take him to this blue butterfly before he died and find the answers to all his questions. The scientist at first refused but was persuaded when he realized that they shared the same passion for nature and had the same courageous spirit to venture into the jungle in search of a dream.

So off they went, with wheelchair in hand, in search of the impossible. They only had a one week window of opportunity to find it in season and the odds were stacked against them totally. I mean really. Here’s a boy who can’t walk straight because of the tumour on his brain. But yet the jungle, the monkeys and snakes and insects, the trees, the leeches, the rain, the chug-a-long boats, the canoes, the heat, the primitive natives, the descension into the farthest corners from civilization – nothing could stop this little boy from finding the truth or believing it was even possible. He knew with every fiber of his being that if he just could be shown the way he was going to find that blue butterfly!

He does eventually find the butterfly – in its favorite habitat near exploding waterfalls. But the truths he seeks were unexpected. They were found IN THE JOURNEY to find the butterfly. The natives had tried to tell him that the blue butterfly was everywhere – that one had simply to open your eyes – that the miracles we look for are all around you.

In the end, the butterfly found the boy and was captured by “love” in a beautiful and heartfelt way by someone who wanted to help him. In the end, it was not only the boy who was touched with a miracle. It was everyone on the journey with him that was transformed.

The most beautiful part of this story is the fact that it is true. The young boy’s cancer magically disappeared and he lived many more years.

Ok. Is it just me or can all of you see the wonderful analogies in this story that apply to our search for God and the power we have through Him living in us?

When my faith is tested I plunge deeper into the word. When I search with all my heart the right verses “light up” before me in brilliant hues and reveal just what I was looking for.

We cannot make the journey alone. Every heart that has touched us in one way or another is a candle that lights the way through the jungle of the unknown and shows us the right paths. Oh! This reminds me of a favorite poem but I don’t know the author:

You can’t light a candle
To show others the way
Without feeling the warmth
Of that bright little ray.
And you can’t give a rose
All fragrant with dew
Without some of it’s sweetness
Remaining on you.

Here is another quote by Dwight Moody that really reminds me of how miracles find there way to us:

A little faith will bring your soul to heaven,
But a lot of faith will bring heaven to your soul.

The little boy in the movie had that giant kind of unadulterated faith that moves mountains. Or at least jungles. Now I know what it means when Jesus tells us that unless we become as little children we will not enter the kingdom of heaven. We need to keep that childlike faith that believes no matter what – despite the circumstances we see around us.

The prospect of imminent death forces you to draw the line in the sand. Faith cannot wait another second. It is now or never. In my own journey battling cancer I truly was able to see my diagnosis as a gift. I realized you never really live until you honestly believe you are going to die. Suddenly every second counts. Every moment has meaning. You feel as if you have sleepwalked through life and now you are awake.

My wish for you all is that you too will find the blue butterflies you seek in life. As you journey through your own jungles I encourage you to keep your eyes wide open and gasp at the precious things that are right in front of your eyes. Hug the ones you love. Forgive those who have hurt you. Cherish all the blessings you have. Thank the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit for the gift of life – as long as we have it.

Where there is life there is power. It is waiting for us to find it – just like the blue butterfly. So claim it. Decree it. Use it. Spread it to everyone you meet. Find the life you have always dreamed of. Every moment counts. So keep the faith.

The Circle of Christian Love

2008-07-24T10:25:00.002-04:00

"Blessed be the God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God." - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Tomorrow is Johnny's next chemo session. He got a week's reprieve from last Friday's scheduled chemo due to his low platelet count. So he has spent the last week enjoying the good moments and improved appetite, to build his strength up for the next weapons launch against the enemy cancer! I googled "low platelets" to find some good food to assist rebuilding platelets. I'm sure everyone will welcome the good news that the highest anti-oxidant food on earth is DARK CHOCOLATE! The higher the cacao content the higher the anti-oxidants. So 60% and above is your best bet. It also listed vitamin B-12 as a helpful aid. So Johnny has been enjoying guilt free chocolate treats each nite along with his B-12 drops.

We have been enjoying quality time with friends and family as Johnny's endurance allows. His hair gets thinner each day but his spirits continue to rise as he feels the warmth and love of so many people letting him know they care. It simply confirms our faith and belief in the power of prayers and the goodness of our fellow man (and woman.) We truly feel humbled by the comfort and joy we receive from so many people. It makes me wish there was a way for EVERY person going through cancer to receive the blessings we have so richly.

I encourage each of you to start something in motion for someone you know that has cancer. One simple act can explode into a glorious movement that takes on a life of its own as the power of God takes over. Let me give you an example of what I am talking about.

When my Dad got Lymphoma several years ago, I got a bright idea to lift his spirits and help him deal with the loss of his crowning glory. I knew how proud he was of his beautiful silvery locks and couldn't imagine how he would feel with nothing to run his comb through. So I got a list of addresses (that I happened to have from their 50th wedding anniversary invitation list) of all his friends over the many years and wrote a personal letter that I copied to each. I explained his current health situation and asked them each, if so inclined, to send him a hat of any kind. I planned it as a surprise and imagined the glee my parents would feel when suddenly boxes started arriving on their doorstep.

Indeed they did! In the end he received over 90 hats in the mail. What I discovered was that people were thrilled to be given a way to express their comfort. Everyone always wants to help someone in these circumstances but few know what to do. And so it was when Johnny received his news of the cancer. I remembered how much I loved going to the mailbox each day during my own cancer journey to see if I got a letter. So I sent out a general email to everyone I knew asking them to tell everyone they knew to send Johnny a letter by snail mail. He never goes on the computer.

It wasn't long before letters started pouring into the mailbox! Every day we find letters or gifts of encouragement. It amazes us how many come from total strangers. So you can see how just one letter started a chain reaction of love. It is such a simple thing to do also. You don't even need THEIR list of friends and family - though if you can get it that helps even more. You can just start with YOUR own list because people have a heart to comfort - even strangers they don't know. We read comments from people that tell us they think of us daily and pray for us and even cry tears over us. It is hard to fathom this heart from strangers but I'm here to tell you the Christian spirit is alive and well in our world!

Comfort one another! There is no greater joy than knowing that because you live - one life has breathed easier. I read that in an Ann Landers column long ago in her definition of success. Giving is a two way street. You always get so much more than you give and I am sure the body reacts with special endorphins that are released from benevolent acts. God tells us in Ephesians Chapter 6 that every good we do for others He does for us in return. That's what I call a win/win situation!

Just imagine the circle of love we could start if everyone who reads this stopped and did this one act of kindness for someone suffering with cancer right now. We ALL know someone with cancer. That's a scary but true statement. So I challenge you to ring the bells of hope and prayer and rally everyone in your address book to reach out to that someone YOU know who needs a "love transfusion." Some will not do it because their friends will think it "silly."

One of the greatest truths I discoverd in my own walk was this. I used to only talk to people I thought would be "receptive" about the Lord. When I was battling cancer I really started talking about my faith to EVERONE and I found that MOST people wanted to have the conversation. But they were afraid to speak first. So act boldly. Uplift someone. Challenge those on your address list to do this random act of kindness for someone you know who needs it. It is such a simple act to send a card or letter. And its effects are MIGHTY.

Stay tuned for future blog entries that will give you a list I made up, of 100 things you can do for someone with cancer. Meanwhile, start your own circle of love and let's set the world on a "holy fire" of Christian love for our neighbors in need. Thanks to all of you again for your continued prayer and support.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Hallelujah! The Devil Is On The Run!

2008-07-19T09:27:00.002-04:00

"And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith" - 1 John 5:4

We were so excited by the good news from the doctors yesterday that we could hardly go to sleep last night. It was raining blessings all day and we didn't want it to stop. We woke up yesterday morning very encouraged and hopeful. We had that gut feeling that a good report was waiting for us and we couldn't wait to get to Mayo Clinic to talk to the oncologist. We met with a "fellow" doctor who was being supervised by Dr. Johnson. Her name was Dr. Bueno and that was a "good" sign to me!

She showed us the CAT scan from last month side by side with the CAT scan from Thursday on the computer screen. She said they were AMAZED by the results. The infected and enlarged adrenal glands and lymph node where the cancer had spread to had been reduced in size by half! The tumor on the lung did not show much change but Dr. Bueno explained that it was still excellent news that the chemo drugs were having such a dramatic effect on the areas it had spread to. At this rate we can soon focus all attack specifically on the tumor. She said they had never expected such dramatic results. They had only hoped to relieve symptoms and improve Johnny's quality of life.

So we are claiming this battle a victory and marching onward to win this war one step at a time! We have the devil on the run and hereby serve him notice that he can run but cannot hide in Johnny's body. Our friend Connie Hail from Marianna has received a similar report of victory in her own battle against cancer and we are taking her advice as she writes us:

"Needless to say were are shouting the victory...............but are even pressing harder in our prayer time..............the devil would love for us to lighten up because we have had a good report but he has another thing coming................we are going to blast him even harder.........No devil is going to take me down. He has messed with the wrong chick!!! I will live and not die to declare the works of the Lord."

I love her fighting spirit and refusal to be intimidated. She calls and leaves us messages speaking "the word" and has sent us healing verses to read and speak aloud. Her faith is contagious. It is amazing to me how God sends us angels from unexpected places in times of our need. We have never met Connie. She found us through Johnny's highschool friend Kay Trammel who writes often to encourage us.

So many other angels have found their way to us in the forms of friends, family and strangers. We continue to find our mailbox full of cards, letters and surprises. My cousin Maureen Bowdren has started a "relay for life" raising funds for cancer on behalf of friends and family she knows who are battling the disease and ran a track from 8pm til 6am the other evening carrying Johnny's name on a torch. My cousin Robin sent us a delightful "prayer box" she made filled with pieces of paper she had stamped with bible verses and encouragement. The box was covered with butterfly ornaments. This leads me to a story about why butterflies are significant to us.

Last week before Johnny had made a good turn from the chemo storm I brought him upstairs to the computer and read him my latest blog entries and people's comments. During the one entry describing a couple lost at sea and battling to stay alive I started crying while reading it and suddenly we both just burst into tears and clutched each other sobbing. Johnny told me to remember he would find a way to come back to me and always watch over me and protect me. He told me his biggest regret about dying was worrying about who would take care of me when he was gone.

I told him then about a pact that I had made with Scarlett long ago, that in the event of my death that I would come back to watch over her and Johnny and my special sign would be blue roses. That came from my favorite movie as a child called "The Thief of Bagdad." In the movie the "thief" was on an endless quest in search of a rare blue rose to save the princess. So, because blue roses are a rare sight I determined it would be an irrefutable sign to Johnny and Scarlett that it was indeed me! I had never told this to Johnny because i thought he would think it was silly. But last week I finally told him and he loved it.

He thought for a minute what sign he could send and his first idea was butterflies. I said "but butterflies are everywhere!" He just smiled and told me that was the point. So when we got the butterfly box from Robin we looked at each other and smiled. We placed it on what we are now calling our prayer table.

It is the coffee table next to the couch Johnny lays on when we do our "holy healing" sessions. It is filling up quickly. On it we have the healing water from Ephesus given to us by the Carter family. We have our plaque from my bible study teacher Shirley Howell that reads "I believe in miracles." We have holy water from 3 springs in one bottle given by our neighbors The Mayhues. They also have beautiful rose bushes in their yard and keep us supplied with fresh flowers that we put on the table. The Martins family gave us a "prayer blanket" that has been blessed and prayed over and includes a Catholic Rosary in a specially sewn pocket with slips of paper printed with healing verses. We have our healing book of verses from friend Connie Hail. We have our "Faith" plaque from my brother Jeff and wife Kim and kids Andy and Kellie.

Yesterday another treasure arrived from Chipola college. It was an 8X10 picture taken of Johnny and I with his Coach Johnson from his highschool basketball team. Coach Johnson was one of the greatest influences on Johnny's life as a teenager and taught him core fundamental values of life as well as basketball. We framed it immediately and placed it on the prayer table. Between the hundreds of cards from well-wishers and prayer groups and family the entire house is filling up with so much evidence of the Christian spirit surrounding us everywhere we turn!

Johnny sends his heartfelt thanks to all who keep him uplifted and strong in his faith. We also received a card yesterday stamped with "keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows." Thank you Shannon Williams for that thought and your sweet words inside. We hope to meet you one day also. Every card we receive from others is special and such a blessing. It gives Johnny something to look forward to each day. He re-reads each one many times and smiles.

There is only one way to handle such an outpouring and overflow of love. We take it and spread it. Johnny has begun to pray out loud spontaneously for so many people. I love his "man-to-man" conversational style of talking to the Lord. He apologizes for his simple words but I protest and tell him that is EXACTLY how God wants us to speak to Him - heart to heart - friend to friend - son to Father. I believe its not how "pretty" you say it. It's how much you mean what you say.

And so, I encourage each of you to walk towards the light of victory in your own battles of everyday living. Stay strong in YOUR faith. Talk to God everyday and lift your concerns to Him. He can accomplish that which we cannot. He is a promise keeper. He fulfills that which He promises. It is up to us to claim those promises by the simple faith of believing what He says is true. Keep the devil on the run in your own life with a faith that refuses to give him the smallest toehold.

It is a heavenly cause that is worth the battle we get up each day and fight again and again. The good news is - if you fight you will win. So never give up - never, never, never! Keep fighting. Keep winning. Keep the faith.

Beautiful Blessings!

We Are More Than Conquerors

2008-07-16T11:58:00.000-04:00

“Yet in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Jesus Christ our Lord.” - Romans 8:37

The tide has finally turned in the “chemo-storm #2.” This storm lasted longer than the last one. It took Johnny a week and a half to get his appetite back and to get over all the side effects that kept him in the bathroom day and night. He lost 12 pounds during that time but is now on the way back up. His appetite is better again and we are getting him ready for the next battle of “chemo#3” which comes this Friday.

We are gearing up especially, for the CAT scan he will have done Thursday. We will find out Friday, the results of the spiritual and medical warfare we have waged against that nasty enemy called cancer. We are believing for a miracle, and that Johnny is healed by the stripes of Jesus. But we also stand ready to praise the Lord no matter what the results, because we cleft in His everlasting arms and humbly bow to His will.

Meanwhile, we follow the instructions for battle in Ephesians 6.

We are remaining strong by plugging into the power of His might.
We are protecting ourselves by putting on the whole armor of God.
We have identified the enemy in the shadows of darkness.
We still simply stand and will not be moved.
We have girded our waists with truth and the authority it gives us to win.
We have put on the breastplates of righteousness for a heavenly cause.
We have shod our feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace spreading love.
We have taken the shield of faith to quench those fiery darts from you know who.
We have put on the helmet of salvation to guard our thoughts.
We have taken up the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God and thrust it.
We pray always and supplicate in the Spirit with the language of love to all.
We watch with expectant hearts for miracles and to guard against attacks of the enemy.
We persevere and never give up no matter what things look like.
We open our mouths boldly and share the mystery of the gospel through our experience!

We know this is war and we are fighting the battle of our lives. We have a “take no prisoners” attitude. Failure is not an option so we are using every weapon we can lay our hands on to win. We will leave no stone unturned to rout the enemy out. We are wielding the “sword of the spirit” and blasting the cannonballs of faith non-stop!

We are so blessed to have so many standing with us in this battle. The numbers continue to grow daily as we hear from more and more, of those we know, and those we don’t know! How could it be possible to NOT have faith, when we know so many people are standing in
the gap for us! So many hearts joined in prayer really makes its clear that the true spirit of Christianity is alive and well today. It is a force to be reckoned with.

It is as if we all take turns being angels to one another and lifting each other on wings heading upward.

Johnny’s CAT scan test is this Thursday at 1:10p.m. EST. Please send out the word for prayer at that exact time to everyone you know, so as the machine scans the site of the cancer, please pray that they find NOTHING there. Anything is possible with God! So, as usual I’m going for “no guts – no glory!” If I’m going to wish I must wish big! You just never know what God can have up His sleeve. He is the miracle maker. We are more than conquerors. Here’s to a love that can never be separated!

Here's to each of you also conquering that which obstructs you from living fully in the power of the Lord and accomplishing here on earth that which He sent you here for. Arm yourselves for battle each morning and make yourself invincible through the power of Jesus Christ.

God will help you overcome anything and bring you that peace that surpasses understanding - no matter what. There is no greater treasure on earth. It is that abundance which is priceless that He intends for each of us. It is a power no man can buy. It has already been bought for us by Jesus on the cross. It is that simple unadulterated love that God has for us that no power on earth can separate us from. So be still today - and know HE is God.

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Ours Is Not An Endless Hope - Our Hope is Endless

2008-07-08T09:58:00.002-04:00

"Now may the God of hope fill you with joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" - Romans 15:13

I get teased alot about my screen name "Endlssdrmr." I have always lived with a hope that impossible dreams can come true. I have always believed in hope. I have clung to it fiercely through many valleys in life. It truely is all about believing that which you cannot see. My bible study teacher Shirley once shared this quote with the class and I wrote it inside my bible...."Faith is the assurance (the knowing) and the conviction of the reality of the unseen promises of God."

It is that hope which I cling to today, as Johnny's still continues to struggle to recover from the side effects of his last chemotherapy. This round has been alot tougher on him then the last. He hardly ate anything over the weekend. Now he is trying to get small amounts of food in. His nausea waves come and go. He is very weak. Today he did not lose another pound. He gained half a pound. We'll take every half pound we can get.

Last night we watched a true story on 20/20 which recounted the harrowing 19 hours a couple spent lost at sea off the coast of Thailand when they drifted away from their scuba diving group's boat. They shared their fear and courage and how they endured the ordeal with hope. One statement touched my soul that the man said. "We didn't know for sure if we would be rescued but we had to BELIEVE it to survive." Johnny and I stand fast and hold on to this same belief.

Another strategy they used was over and over and over they kept telling each other "I love you. I will not let you go." The woman shared that those words kept her going because it mattered that someone cared whether she lived or died. I have told Johnny often that I will not let him go without a kicking and screaming fight to do everything I know to be true in my power to save him. I am standing in the gap for him.

The man was smart enough to free them from their heavy equipment and tie the two of them together so the mighty crashing waves would not separate them. He told the woman "You must be stronger than you have ever been in your life." That part made me cry. Because it is what I am trying to do for Johnny right now. Be strong enough for both of us. It is an exhausting task which I am not complaining about. But like the woman in the story shared, I determine to just be strong enough for today - for the moment. Someone once told me that you can endure ANYTHING for a short period of time.

I find myself sitting in the my recliner at night sighing with relief that we made it through another day and thinking "we're still here!" I look over at Johnny where he sits in his recliner just a few feet away and freeze frame the picture of him in my mind. Often during the evening one of us will say "touch!" And that is our cue to reach across the space between us and connect by touching fingers. It reminds me of the couple at sea who were connected by the several feet of rope. Every now and then they would pull the rope in and wrap theirselves around each other and just cling together for warmth or strength.

The worst part of their ordeal was when the sun set and darkness set in. It frightened both of them. They kept telling themselves the dawn was coming. But it was the longest night of their lives. All they could do was wait and wait and wait for the light. And by the grace of God the light finally came. Many hours later they WERE rescued. But interestingly enough, as the helicopter made its way to them a deadly sea snake also discovered the pair and was making its way towards the woman.

She was helpless to do anything but glare back at the snake as it reared up its head at her and looked her right in the eye...yes! Face to face! Then it slithered away as if to tip its head in deference to the courage of the woman he could not defeat....until another time to try again. Isn't that so like the devil?

I really took that story to heart and it encouraged me to never give up. Just when it seems like you are beaten the gates of heaven open up and send the troops! I encourage each of you, in whatever journey you are on, with whatever cross it is that you bear....DO NOT GIVE UP! Abound in hope and let God fill you with joy and peace and refresh your soul. The battle is worth it, whether to save yourself or someone you love. I still believe that anything is possible with God.

Beautiful Blessings!

Rene

I Come To The Garden Alone

2008-07-04T23:23:00.002-04:00

"Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." - Luke 12:27

I miss my garden. Today I really needed to get my hands in some dirt and to trim up the jungle that is growing up around all my beautiful flowers and bushes. I needed to go find God where I can always find Him - in the awesome beauty of nature. Johnny is going through a rough period right now. His white blood cell count is a "hair" below what it should be and consequently he is sleeping alot and very weak and losing weight again. His taste buds have changed. I have to force him to eat small bits and drink Gatorade and water to counteract his surprise bathroom visits in the middle of the night. I don't want him to get dehydrated again.

But at least we got that under control by noon today. I give him his pills for nausea and pain and make him comfortable. I make him drink a little protein drink. I take his temperature. I closely monitor him so his temperature doesn't get above 100.5 degrees. But he's fine. He just has to ride it through and hopefully the pattern from the last chemo will repeat itself and he'll be better by Monday. These are the times that try women's souls! When you've done all you can and the rest is in God's hands. So I grabbed my clippers and spade and headed outside for a conference with God while Johnny dozes.

I've been avoiding this moment for awhile because there is so much to do in the yard it is overwhelming - I don't know where to start. So I just start clipping my red blooming Hibiscus bush to clear a pathway through my white picket fence gate that was becoming blocked on both sides from colorful bushes gone wild! With every branch I clipped it was as if a cobweb in my mind went with it. The sunshine and fresh air were clearing the lines for my "God connection." My impatiens, begonias, peace lillies, gardenias, trumpets, dianthysus, poinsettas, mums, lantana, ferns, azaelas, roses, petunias, confederate jasmine, bouganvilla and the rest all beckoned to me welcoming me back.

As with any dreaded project, once you get rolling, one thing leads to another and before you know it, things start taking shape as you chisel the clay away from the masterpiece within. This often leads to so much more than you could have imagined. And so it was God had a MOST delightful surprise waiting for me today. It was just what my soul needed. I have some bromeliads (tropical flowers with big thick leaves and HUGE lovely pink flowers bursting forth from the middle) planted around the angel fountain on my yard's centerpiece landscaping. I planted them there years ago because they stopped blooming elsewhere. They never bloomed again. But because I went to the trouble to clear alot of vines and weeds away - I discovered two huge incredible blooms waiting for me! What a gift from God.

I really believe God was refreshing my soul. He, above all, knew I needed some "spiritual nurturing" today! It has been such a stressful week. My garden experience made me think how similar it was to our everyday trials. God is always right around the corner waiting to renew us with the wonders and beauty of His love. But we have to open the doors of our soul and walk through to Him to find what He has waiting for us. It is always good with God.

As I strolled my yard with God clipping and pruning along, I kept rediscoveriing so much beauty I had forgotten from neglecting the gardens. Butterflies flew by me with airy greetings. Strangled flowers thanked me for rescuing them from choking vines. Squirrels danced amongst the live oaks. Lizards darted here and there. Birds chirped in the sky high branches. And my precious knock out roses were blooming.

They are a hardy bush that survives on its own. Without tending they still continue to straggle along but still burst forth with sporadic pink blooms that smell divine. Well, I guess they are! It's a miracle when roses survive my garden. But "knock-outs" are tough enough. I feel a spiritual kinship with them. "Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'."

I cut a flower and brought it inside so Johnny could smell it. I put it in a little cup of water on the counter so every time Johnny passed he could bend down and smell it. Then I dug some hibiscus flowers out of the trimmings can because I couldn't bear to throw them away. I found another little vase and placed the flowers in it on the table by the couch where Johnny lay.

After I came in and showered I splurged on a cup of coffee in the afternoon. Sinfully delicous! But as I was brewing my Paul Newman special blend I thought about my gorgeous porcelain cups from Japan that my parents bought me before they left. There they were sitting behind glass in my formal dining room where no one evers sees them. I walked to the glass cabinet and found a lemon yellow cup and saucer and etched with hand painted flowers on it and rimmed in gold. I washed the set in the sink and determined that from today on I use the good china!

I sat in my favorite chair in my Victorian reading room and savored my 90 year old Tresor piano and my flowered wall paper, and my books and framed pictures sprinkled on the end tables besides the ornately carved couch. I sipped from my porcelain cup slowly savoring every sip from something special. Johnny joined me and we talked - almost like old times. This room is where we sit to solve many life problems together in peace.

I sang Johnny two hymns today. "I Love To Tell The Story" and "How Great Thou Art." I still have my Baptist Hymnal from when I started the "Senior Choir" at our church. I wanted to preserve the tradition of the old hymns in all their simple heartfelt beauty. I thought they sounded so poignant coming from the voices that knew them best. Today things have got so modern. People don't even pick up their hymnals anymore because the words appear on the big slidescreen above the altar.

Give me that old time religion! We also did our daily "holy healing session" with the holy water from the spring at Ephesus where miracle healings have happened. Johnny lay stretched out on the couch as I began with a hymn to praise God first. Then I kneeled beside him and read healing scriptures for him to repeat after me. Before I grabbed the vial of precious water I held up my fist and let the devil have a peace of my mind! Whether it is coincidence or not, that little vial seems to jump out of my hands whenever I try to screw the cap back on. I know the devil is messing with me and mighty mad whenever "two or more gather in His name" to glorify God and claim His promises.

Johnny told me he pitied the devil when I was done because I gave him quite a "tongue lashing." He laughed and said the next thing he was expecting was for me to ask the devil for the CEO! (That's a family joke around here - I always head straight to the top when I deal with customer service issues of life!) I ended my tirade by telling that devil to get back to the gates of hell where he belonged with that 1/3 band of God's angels that were stupid enough to leave heaven with him. I told him it was his own fault that he and his "entourage" were destiined to burn in hell for eternity because of their own vanity. So I told him to "GO!" the way Jesus did that one time he cast a devil out of a young girl in the bible. And I reminded him of the authority I had to command him gone as a royal heir to the throne! I also reminded him that he NEVER wins because 2/3 always beats 1/3.

Then I anointed Johnny's chest with the water in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit as my friend Retha Mae from Varnville, South Carolina suggested. I asked God to use me as a vessel for healing Johnny as I "stand in the gap" for him until he is well.

Tonight we ended the evening with a glorious display of fireworks we could see from from our back porch through the trees. The glorious cascade of electric color in the sky made me feel like a kid again. It made Johnny smile but he couldn't stay out too long. He was covered from head to toe to guard against mosquitoes and his stamina was low. So we went back in and watched fireworks on TV and listened to a great concert from the capitol that captured the beauty of patrotism so well.

I tucked Johnny in early. It's after midnight and Johnny just got up for another long bathroom. I grab the thermometer and the Immodium D and here we go again.

Please pray for Johnny's expedient recovery from this bout of "chemo-storm" round 2. Also keep those cards and letters coming. They cover our kitchen table and counters and walls. Johnny goes back and re-reads each one many times. There are well over a hundred at last count. Each card is a blessing. He loves waitimg for the mail each day. Thank all of you for your continued prayers and support. I return it to you multiplied!

Meanwhile, "my soul waits quietly for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I SHALL NOT BE MOVED." - Psalm 62:5

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene Williams

From Johnny's Heart to Yours

2008-07-01T11:19:00.002-04:00

"Exhort one another daily, while it is called Today" - Hebrews 3:13

For several days Johnny and I have been talking about a message to all of you, that Johnny wanted to tell you all here, who read the blog. The following are words from his heart as told to me to tell to you:

"Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to send me one or more cards. You have no idea how much each one inspires me and uplifts me. The cards come from family, old friends, new friends, close friends, acquaintences, neighbors, strangers and churches. I am truly humbled that people go to the trouble to show their Christian spirit of love and caring for me. I do not feel worthy of all this attention. But I do feel blessed. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The cards come in all shapes and forms. Some are funny. Some are musical. Some are religous. Some are inspirational. Some are postcards. Some are letters. They come from children. They come from fathers. They come from Mothers. They come from couples. They come from people my age. They come from people much older and wiser. But the most touching part of every card yet, is that the sender includes a handwritten note of encouragement. They don't just sign their name. They don't just let the words on the card speak. They add words from their hearts.

This really means alot to me and inspires me to keep my faith strong. Some messages are short. Some messages are long. But they all remind me to trust and believe in the power of God to overcome. I may go down physically as I go through this process of healing. But it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to go down spiritually because so many people are "standing in the gap" for me. There truly is power in "The WORD" the Lord speaks to us as well as "the everyday words" that people convey in their own way to help.

I wish EVERYONE who was going through a cancer experience could receive the exhortation I receive from all your cards, letters and phone calls. Thank you again for caring enough to go to the trouble of showing it and reminding me that nothing is impossible with God. As far as I am concerned this battle is already won because no matter what happens to my body, my soul triumphs and the devil is defeated.

I wish each of you the same victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

In His Love,

Johnny

From The Mouth of Babes

2008-06-29T11:47:00.002-04:00

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God" - Mathew 5:8

It's a lovely lazy Sunday here filled with homemade blueberry pancakes, beautiful sunshine filtering through the lace covered windows and the morning paper read cover to cover. Johnny is taking it easy after a chemo-filled day on Friday. We rolled through the gates of Mayo Clinic early in the morning and didn't leave until late afternoon.

It is indescribable though, the feeling of healing and peace that hits you the moment you enter the campus of Mayo Clinic. Lush flower-filled gardens abound everywhere, intricately woven amongst the trees, and the ponds and the waterfalls and the walking bridges. Benches are scattered throughout in both shady and sunny spots to provide moments of reflection, rest, quiet and prayer. This is the 'disneyworld of medicine."

Stress is left behind! Once you enter the building you encounter smiling, sunny personalities of staff members on all levels who seem to emulate the motto of Mayo - "the patient's best interest is our first priority." You feel welcome. You feel relaxed. You feel cared about. You feel "at home." You see God everywhere.

Yesterday I got an email from my parents' dear friend Barbara Jean Woomer showing God through the eyes of children, and I just HAVE to share it. I printed it out for Johnny to read and we both got a chuckle from it. Here it is. Thanks Mrs. Woomer!

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. I love the wisdom of pure hearts! Here is what they thought God was like:

God is like....BAYER ASPIRIN...He works miracles.

God is like...a FORD...He's got a better idea.

God is like...COKE...He's the real thing.

God is like...HALLMARK CARDS...He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like...TIDE...He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like...GENERAL ELECTRIC...He brings good things to life.

God is like...SEARS...He has everything.

God is like...ALKA-SELTZER...Try Him, you'll like Him

God is like...SCOTCH TAPE...You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

God is like...DELTA...He's ready when you are.

God is like...ALLSTATE...You're in good hands with Him.

God is like...VO-5 Hair Spray ...He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like...DIAL SOAP...Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

God is like...the U.S. POST OFFICE... Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

God is like...Chevrolet. . .the heart beat of America

God is like...Maxwell house. . .Good to the very last drop

God is like...B o u n t y .. . .He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . and He won't fall apart on you.

I hope your day is filled with seeing God in everything! He is our Father and we are His children - that is one thing that He never wants us to forget. He tells us in Matthew 18:3 that "Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven."

A card I received from my cousin Robin (soul-sister!) and her husband Chris reminds us, that as children, there are 10 things God wants us to remember:

1. I am for you.
2. I love you.
3. I believe in you.
4. I will bless you.
5. I will give you rest.
6. I will be with you.
7. I will not fail you.
8. I will provide for you.
9. I will strengthen you.
10. I WILL ANSWER YOU!

So open your hearts to your heavenly Father today and join us as we kleft in His bosom and enjoy the rest we all need! I wish you faith, hope and love as your soul is restored and your trust is strengthened as you continue to BELIEVE!

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMMA!

2008-06-27T09:11:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday to the most wonderful mother in the world! I love this picture of her and daddy from last year!

Your My Fella - My Rock-a-fella!

2008-06-26T13:59:00.002-04:00

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" - Matthew 6:21

Tomorrow is my 55th birthday and also the second chemo session for Johnny. He has had a wonderful two weeks since the side effects from chemo #1 subsided. His appetite has come back full force, his energy has increased, he's put some healthy weight back on and we've been enjoying outings during the day to break up the monotony of things. We've been out to eat for breakfast or lunch and taken rides up and down Jacksonville beach to catch a few rays, some good minerals from the salt air and of course, all those good negative ions from the crashing waves! Trust me folks, negative ions are the "wave" of the future! But that's a story for another day.

This week has been special because Johnny has declared some new rules on love. Birthday weeks instead of just one day. I told him that's just fine but that goes both ways so he has his week coming in December and I intend to spoil him BIG TIME come December!

Around birthday time my mind always takes me back to years ago during our happy go lucky courtship at Florida State University. Johnny was living with his Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Inda in Crawfordville, Florida. We tooled around town in his Uncle's little Honda car that we could fill up on spare change! Ah the days of being poor and living on love! What-A-Burgers were our big treat on dates back then because they were SO BIG and we could split one and save money.

But we also did alot of walking around campus - just for the fun of it - singing and holding hands and acting goofy. Our favorite tune we'd sing was an old fashioned song - I don't even know all of it - but I would sing "You're my fella -my rock-a-fella" and then he would sing back to me "You're my lady - my lady blue." Pretty silly huh? We still sing it after all these years.

At the time we had no idea where the future was taking us. It didn't matter. We started our journey with $30 in the bank, a Mach I Mustang packed to the rim, and hearts full of dreams on our wedding day. Off we drove (at high speed I might add) into the unknown without fear and ready to conquer the world. Trust me when I say there has NEVER been a dull moment in our marriage. But in the midst of all the joy and laughter and sorrow and tears - I have found my treasure.

I have learned that love is not exactly like the storybooks tell it - but it can endure through many roller coaster rides of life when two hearts recognize each other as soul mates - and keep on holding on. True love waits. True love grows. True love survives. True love appreciates. True love simply loves. True love gives 101%. True love takes 100%. It is always changing and rearranging. But true love endures.

But may I share with you - the moments of our greatest love - I have found - was when we started praying together. When we truly put God in the middle and as our solid foundation. God is the glue that has brought us our greatest victories and happiest moments.

So today I wish each of you the joy of praying with the one you love. "You complete me" takes on a whole new meaning when God completes your circle of love...........He is the treasure all other treasures flow from. He is our "rock" and the mighty hands that I lay my own "rock-a-fella's" life in, knowing that "good things come to those who love the Lord."

Beautiful Blessings!

Rene

Get Your Grace On!

2008-06-25T09:25:00.002-04:00

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need" - Hebrews 4:16

Have you had your serving of grace today? Yes! Grace! That unmerited love and favor from God to man....that sprinkling of "divine influence" in action that purifies us and makes us morally strong. It is available to each of us but how often do we reach up for it and grab it?

The Lord tells us that everything Satan intends for evil will be turned around for good. I believe this to be especially true when one receives the "dreaded" diagnosis of cancer. What we come to realize is the moment of grace that is sent to us when we cry out for the Lord's help. We receive the grace of a certain clarity of vision that comes to us in the "twinkling of an eye." We suddenly just STOP in our tracks and look around at our life. Often we realize we have just been going through the motions letting the world control us, pushing us further away from the truth within us and the purpose we were created for.

Grace affords us the opportunity to re-examine everything. What matters - what doesn't. We get a new chance to start living life on purpose. You never really start living until you truly believe you are going to die. That is the gift of grace we get when we hear the "C" word. You suddenly realize in that twinkling of an eye that you don't have a moment to spare in living every moment.

It is the time when everything you are made of comes to light. It is a delight to see Johnny's "warrior spirit" surface in the face of this new challenge. He has recovered from the "left hook" of the diagnosis and the first chemo and neulasta shot, and he has come back swinging! Here is a man who understands what BOLDLY coming to the throne of grace means. In the dictionary the word bold means ready to take risks, or face danger, with a FEARLESSNESS.

He has reached deep within to that well of strength that flows from that Almighty source. He has connected with the roots planted deep so many years ago by his Mother and Grandmother in the Baptist church of his childhood. They obediently raised him up in the ways of the Lord and he has come back around full circle to surrender to the greatest source of power in the universe. He finally understands because he has "come home."

This is a miracle in itself. The outpouring of love from friends and strangers and the avalanches of prayers being prayed by so many has transformed Johnny's definition of what is possible. As he boldly comes to the throne of grace he now boldly proclaims his acknowledgement that Jesus Christ is Lord and humbly bows to Him as savior of his soul and body.

He now boldly speaks of God to everyone.

He now boldly prays with people.

He now boldly thinks "what would Jesus do" in his actions.

He boldly tells people he loves them.

I don't think he ever realized how beautiful he is when he prays. He tells other people "well I don't have all those wonderful words like you do...." Yes he does. Because when he prays he simply speaks from his heart. He talks to God just like he talks to you and me. That's how it should be. Prayers are merely conversations we have with our heavenly Father. We got a card yesterday that compared prayer to a toll free 800 line to God 24/7. I love it! Have you made your call today?

I encourage each of you to get your grace on today! You don't have to earn it. The Lord gives it to us just because He loves us. Remember there is nothing that can happen today that you and God can't handle together. So get some grace to go.

Go in peace!

In His Love,

Rene

Faith That Makes Your Heart Sing

2008-06-22T11:50:00.002-04:00

“Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody’s chains came loose” (Acts 16:26-34)

This morning as Johnny and I woke up we listened to the birds chirping gleefully, as they stretched their wings to greet the morning sunrise. My heart felt glad as I watched Johnny's eyes flutter open. My first words were "Thank You Lord for waking me up to another day of loving Johnny!" These mornings of late have been so much more special because I savor every moment I spend with Johnny.

Usually I sneak downstairs to get my prayer time in before the world and all its responsibilites of daily living hit. Johnny apologized as he came down the stairs right behind me, "I'm sorry if I interfered with your prayer time." I told him not to worry. Life was becoming a "living prayer" lately and it felt good to feel that joy of the Holy Spirit alive and well, despite many trying circumstances.

Probably not by coincidence, as I groped through my stacks of books waiting beside me at my coffee table, I came across the Baptist Hymnal given to my by a dear friend, Frances Watson. I just love hymnals! The poetry contained within is from the hearts of ordinary people. Two of my favorite hymns were written around 1870 and it fascinates me that a century and a half later, we see people going through the same human struggles. One hymn, "I Need Thee Every Hour" was written by a housewife doing her daily chores. The other "It Is Well With My Soul" was written by a Chicago lawyer who had lost everything in the great "Chicago fire" right before he lost his daughters at sea while on a pleasure voyage. Yet he could travel with his wife to the location at sea where they drowned and penn those mighty words.

I felt so inspired I decided to just belt out those and a couple more hymns hoping I wouldn't bother Johnny too much as he read his morning paper in the den. Before I knew it he came rushing in the living room. "That's it!" he exclaimed. "That's the spirit I was waiting for! Get the Holy Water!"

I laughed. The night before I asked him if he was ready for me to anoint him with the Holy Water that Donna and Richard Carter had brought us from the Holy Land. He told me to wait until I felt that deep spiritual connection with God because he didn't want to waste something holy. I guess the sound of me singing did the trick. He was ready to receive the healing!

So I told him to lay down on the couch and I kneeled beside him. I find it interesting that the cancer lays right over his heart. I laid my hands over his heart and moved them in circles of love over his left chest. I told him I had read that the most effective prayer that got results was praying in praise and thanks. So I recited my prayer of thanks I created and memorized and I was so glad I had memorized it. It made me realize the importance of my simple act of obedience (going to the trouble of memorizing it) was paying off at a precious moment. (You will see the prayer in one of my previous blog entries.)

Next I sprinkled the water on my palm and rubbed it into his heart area while I prayed aloud for "Thy will not my will" to be done but requesting if it be His will - to destroy the cancer in a million pieces - and to refresh and restore Johnny to become a strong vessel to be used by God. I repeated the many promises of the Lord that what we decreed would be established, that no power can stand against prayer, that if we believe we will receive, that nothing is impossible for God, and that the victory that has overcome the world is our faith.

Then I asked God to use me as a healing vessel to blow the breath of life on Johnny's heart as I blew the Holy Water dry on his chest. Now it is up to Him and I accept His will in all things.

Later this morning I was reading about Paul and Silas after they had been beaten and thrown in prison because they exorcised a demon out of a young girl who could foretell the future. Her parents were angry with the two because they had also removed income from the family! Yet that night at midnight there was Paul and Silas just singing their hearts out to the Lord. Before you knew it an earthquake thundered, the prison doors flew open and all the prisoners who heard them singing were freed and the jailer saved!

So it made me smile to think of how singing to the Lord this morning stirred Johnny's heart to a moment of faith and trusting in God. It made a difference to Paul and Silas and the notes of music can transcend centuries and lead to miracles even today! Thanks again to all of you who continue to call, write, and visit and keep us encouraged to stand on our faith. It awes me how the Christian spirit rallies to unite behind a call to prayer for a friend AND even for one some have never met. That is God in action and proof that he uses us all to be angels to one another in time of need. Praise God! Jesus is Lord.

Got Miracles?

2008-06-20T14:31:00.002-04:00

"And ye will seek Me and find Me when you search with all your heart. I will be found by you says the Lord and I will bring you back from your captivity." -Jeremiah 29:13-14

Do you believe in miracles? Have you ever witnessed an event or action that apparently contradicted scientific law and appeared to be a supernatural act of God? Is it possible that Jesus wasn't kidding when he said to an apostle, that we who followed Him would do even greater miracles?

I believe that miracles are all around us everyday and that too often we write them off to coincidence. I think it would blow alot of people's minds if they really took stock of the power we are given by The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. There is a "secret code word" that is revealed to those who search for it within the pages of our bible. It is the secret that unlocks the power to achieve miracles in His name. Got a clue? The word is FAITH. Actually it is no secret. It just cannot be found until we search with all our hearts. It appears over and over and over again.

Faith is the truth that sets us free from the captivity of limited power. Faith makes miracles possible. Faith is the unquestioning belief that does not require proof or evidence. I have faith that we will receive the miracle we have asked for as we give thanks for Johnny's healing. I told Johnny this morning I refuse to believe in the diagnosis, I choose to believe he will conquer cancer by the grace of God, the sword of the spirit, the prayers of love and His promises that we have claimed by decreeing Johnny's victory. Two or more have gathered in His name all over this country to lift Johnny up in prayer.

This afternoon we received what I would like to call a "confirmation" of my belief that God is not done with Johnny yet. Two of our dearest friends, Richard and Donna Carter, stopped by on their way to the Holy Land! They leave tomorrow for a whirlwind trip to several countries to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary. They brought by some HAND DRAWN water from the spring at MERYEMANA, the place where John took Mary in Ephesus after the crucifixion. It is reported to have curative powers, but it reads, "the true power is in prayer and FAITH."

Works for me! I know miracles are possible because I have a miracle story that occurred Christmas week 2004. It was the Christmas I almost died. It was the week I saw the face of God - in a flock of birds.........

My story began when I was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer - stage 3 in April 2004. My chances were not that great. They had only just discovered specific medicine for THAT kind of breast cancer five years before. I started Chemotherapy every two weeks for three months the beginning of June. I stopped in September to allow my body time to restore itself as much as possible to brace for the masectomy of my right breast on October 6, 2004. After another month of healing I started on an oral chemo which led to all the trouble Christmas week. I had been taking 18 pills of chemo daily and had been enduring the side effects of chemical burn to the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet. It felt like walking on fire!

But then the king of all side effects kicked in early December keeping me in the bathroom every two hours all day every day for weeks until I finally became so dehydrated that they admitted into the hospital Monday of Christmas week. Christmas Day was Saturday. My greatest wish was to be back home before Christmas so I could wake up Christmas morning in my own bed. It was not to be. Each day I got worse. All my veins had collapsed so they had to put a P.I.C. line in me that weaved its way up through my arms, across my chest and down my sternum. They finally were able to administer meds through a portal in my upper arm.

But nothing seemed to work. My universe became the small area in my room that connected my bed to the path of the bathroom. My bedside table was all I had power over. I kept it fanatically organized. After several days and night I was in so much pain that it was difficult to even pray. They were giving me a heroin derivative for pain. I was losing hope fast. I realized soon that I would not be going home for Christmas and I was in despair. Christmas was also my daughter Scarlett's birthday. I would be missing the birthday of Jesus AND my daughter.

One night in the very wee hours of the morning I tried to pray but was so weak and my mind was befuzzled. All I could simply do was to ask the Lord to give me a sign He was with me. I no longer cared what the outcome was as long as I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that HE was with me. I did not pray to be spared. I prayed to see HIS face knowing the outcome did not matter as long as I knew HE was with me. I totally surrendered my soul to THY will not MY will. I asked Him to send my a sign by sending me a bird to fly by my window. I had not seen the first bird fly by all week.

The dawn came and went and the day passed on. I waited gazing constantly at the window in anticipation of my bird. No bird came by. Scarlett came to visit me and I was in tears. "God won't even send me a bird!" I cried. She went back to work and decided to help God give me the miracle I was asking for. She found a beautiful picture of huge strong hands holding a frail injured bird and wrote me a letter over the picture - from the bird to me. The letter basically said that the bird was sick and dying just like me but still God was holding it in HIS mighty hands. It reminded me that all God asks from us is to believe that HE is our rock. HE is our redeemer. HE is our strength. That we would BOTH fly again in HIS time. All HE asks us to do is to believe.

AS Scarlett handed me the picture with the letter she told me that I should believe God answered my prayer through her. I did believe it and thought it was wonderful. But then the birds just kept on coming. Next my nursing aide brought me a tiny cross pin that had a dove perched on it. Then my niece Becky brought me an angel holding a bird in its cupped hands. Then my Aunt Ruby called to tell the story of the bird perched on her windowsill pecking itself to death trying to get in to her (with a heavenly message?) Then my brother Chip arrived with a feathered bird statue. Finally my girlfriend Debi was visiting and as I was relating the bird stories she pointed to the window and said "look!" As I leaned forward to peer out the window a flock of birds flew by with beautiful majesty.

Amazingly, that Christmas Day was my best Christmas ever. Another miracle was that Johnny had to do the Christmas shopping for the first time in his life. And he went to Publix and bought Scarlett a birthday cake so that when she came down the stairs Christmas morning, he was waiting for her with candlles lit and singing "Happy Birthday" to her on the special day she shared with Jesus. They arrived later at the hospital with sacks fulll of presents and we sat in a circle on my bed and opened all the presents one by one like we do at home. I learned that Christmas is where your heart is at - not where your body is.

And the next part of the miracle? That night on Christmas Eve, everything going haywire in my body just STOPPED. They sent me home the next day. And the moral of the story? Whenver you ask God for something He always answers prayer and He always gives you so much more than you ever dreamed possible. If He had just sent me one lone bird flying by the window it wouldn't have been half as significant as all the birds that came my way from family, friends and those who were caring for me.

So miracles? Yes! I believe in them. And I am believing again for Johnny. If you have a miracle story please send it and share it with the world! We need more reminders that miracles are possible and are happening with all of us. I wish every one of you a miracle and a dream come true. His praise shall continuously be on my lips!

Beautiful Blessings,

Rene

Think On These Things

2008-06-19T12:23:00.002-04:00

Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things."
-Phillipians 4:8

Here is the power of positive thinking at its finest explained in simple terms to us by Paul, as he languishes in chains in some archaic prison, but still musters the power to encourage all Christians to stand fast together in spirit, "with one mind" and to not "in any way be terrified by your adversaries, which is to them "a proof of perdition." I looked up the word perdition which means the loss of the soul, damnation, hell. Oh my! Fear certainly does have some nasty consequences!

So let's look up the words Paul uses to provide us "swords of the spirit" that we may wield in confidence to thwart the evil plans of pitiful Lucifer who was cast out of heaven without with any true power to harm us. Remember that his favorite attack spots are our emotions and our mind. But it is all smoke and mirrors and he only has the power we allow him.

So what words do we need branded on our spirits that plant seeds of thought to fight?

TRUE - conforming to an original pattern, rule, standards, rightful, legitimate, accurately fitted, placed, real genuine, authentic, honest virtuous

NOBLE - showing high moral qualities or greatness, high heredity rank or title, superior

JUST - deserved, merited, lawful, fair, righteous, proper, fitting, accurate, exact

PURE - simple, free from defects, perfect, faultless, undefiled

LOVELY - having those qualities that inspire love, affection, admiration. Spiritually attractive.

VIRTUE - effective power or force, the ability to heal or strengthen.

Did you look closely at these words and their definitions? Hello! This is the picture the world should see when they look at us. This is the picture we must hold in our minds 24/7 if we are to access the promises of our inheritance! If we want light in the room we must make sure the lamp is plugged into the source of electricity. If we want our reflections to shine and blind the world with the brilliance of God flowing through us, we must plug into these power words on a daily basis.

No matter what is happening, no matter where we find ourselves at the moment, despite any disappointments or emotional torture or self made prisons we find ourselves in - here is the lifeline! We are told to THINK on these things! Paul continues on to proclaim "for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content." He knows that he can do all things through Christ who strengthens him. This from a man in a stinkin nasty prison with no modern "amenities."

What prison is holding your soul hostage today? Take heart from these encouraging words that come to us through the centuries straight to your heart. Claim the power to overcome. There IS power in words so start using them to empower and nourish your soul. Every word you speak aloud is a command to your subconcious and spirit who interpret them as marching orders! So start using the weapons you have to break free from your own prisons and win the battles that lead to your own victory in life. It is our inheritance as Christians. Let us not squander these gifts with doubt and fear, and depression. Instead each morning look in the mirror and shout - "Today I am true, noble, just, pure, lovely, speaking only good things and full of God's power to do anything!" I challenge you each to try this.

Here's another favorite poem that really shows us we "we are what we think!"

If you think you're beaten you are;
If you think you dare not you don't.
If you'd like to win, but you think you can't,
It's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose you're lost,
For out in the world you'll find
Success begins with a fellow's will;
It's all in the state of mind.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man;
But soon or late the man that wins
Is the one who thinks he can.
- Walter Wintle

I have seen in these last few weeks that true spirit of christians "standing together in spirit with one mind" as friends and strangers continue to reach out to Johnny and our whole family - almost as if hovering in a circle around us spreading their angel wings to encourage us and remind us of God's truths and blessings. We read each card and personal note written out loud together and it turns into a moment of prayer with each envelope open. The phone continues to ring and I thank everyone for their continued efforts to stay close and showing such love and affection. God bless you all.

In His Love,

Rene

http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7/Twinkies.htm

Pressing On to Victory

2008-06-18T09:19:00.002-04:00

"And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." - Galatians 6:9

I stumbled across one of my all time favorite poems that has encouraged me over the years in my many dreams I have pursued. It reminds me so much of Johnny because he is one who has achieved so much in life by not quitting. I tend to be a great starter but not always a great finisher. I was always ready to plunge in to some new endeavor and sometimes my enthusiasm outweighed my fore thought. So consequently, though I did achieve some wonderful goals, there are trails of many things I did not finish.

Johnny is different. He did not tread lightly into anything. His perceptive mind always thought things out. If he committed to something, I always knew he would see it through to the end. He has always been a cautious man who always considers all aspects of a situation. He is also a great prognosticator of world events. His passion is history - whatever era - whatever location - but his favorite history is that of his Southern heritage. He takes great pride in his ancestry and all the good things the South represented over time. He loves the fierce spirit of his ancestors who fought so hard for a mighty cause of protecting all they loved.

It is that same spirit that I see alive and well in Johnny today as he fights this latest "good fight" but allowing the awesome power of the Holy Spirit to lead this charge. He reminds me of the story of the mighty eagle who, when his feathers are frayed and his beak is knotted with hard deposits, seeks to soar to the highest "rock" that is closest to greatest light of "the sun" (the son?) to be renewed and restored. He then plucks his thousands of feathers one by one until he is naked and totally frail and vulnerable, perched upon that mighty rock and soaking in the brilliant rays of the sun. His feathers all grow back. The renewal process takes fourty days. Pretty coincidental no? Then off he flies again back to life and back to living.

Isn't God and all He designs so amazing? It takes my breath away. It gives me hope to remember how much God is in control of each and every one of our lives. And if we will just open our hearts and listen to His instructions He always leads us to victory. So I send encouragement to all of you, to give to others in your life who are fighting their own battles. It seems we all know someone with cancer these days. My message is to "don't quit!" It is also the title of the poem I want to share with you. The author is anonymous - but the theme is well known and one we all need to keep close at heart.

DON'T QUIT

When things go wrong, as they often will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit!

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns;
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won if he's stuck it out.
Don't give up when the pace seems slow -
You might suceed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man.
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the winner's cup,
And learned too late, when the night slipped down
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you can never tell just how close you are;
It may be near when it seems afar.
So stick to the light when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worse that you musn't quit.

Daring To Believe

2008-06-17T10:16:00.002-04:00

"Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life and few will find it." - Matthew 7:14

It takes alot of courage to believe when the world around you cries nay! It takes more than wishing. It takes a burning desire to cling to that which you know to be true in your heart and to keep walking on path despite what you cannot see. I believe in miracles. God says anything is possible and anything means anything or it means nothing at all.

There comes a time in each of our lives when we must draw the line in the sand. We fight for the truth or we give in to the pressure of worldly influences and never come to realize our true purpose while here on earth. The gate never changes or widens to accomodate all the excuses and detours we take in life. We eventually must take a stand or live a life underlined by a misery we don't understand. As for me and mine........give us the narrow gate!

And what is our purpose? I have come to believe that love is all that matters. We struggle here on earth to find it, to keep it, to understand it, to weather its ups and downs, but to keep holding on. It is worth the struggle. Love comes down to alot of simple moments that add up to an ocean of love.

Johnny and I had a few of those simple moments that I cherished these last two days. He has endured the "chemo-storm" that weakened him and took away his appetite. He is rallying once again and enjoying the simple pleasures in life. We had a most excellent Father's Day and beautiful family time with Scarlett. We knew the tide was turning when he requested a take-out from one of his favorite restaurants - Enza's Italian Restaurant.

Yesterday he felt good enough to venture out to a Japanese restaurant for lunch. It was a quiet little place and very stress free. Later that afternoon I gave him a manicure and we laughed and talked about old times as I clipped and filed his nails. I rubbed his fingers and hands with sweet smelling hand lotion and realized how truly beautiful and precious those rugged hands were.

Seeing Johnny back to his old self restored my faith that a miracle was possible because we are daring to believe - and to get "mad dog mean" about beating the odds. I simply pray to be able to keep that fire of faith burning strong during his "down" moments when I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Get thee from me fear! We have received the power of love and a sound mind through the great sacrifice on the cross. I claim it and I believe we will conquer cancer through the sword of the spirit.

A thankful Father's Day.

2008-06-15T22:07:00.004-04:00

"Here's to a few more Father's Days," my dad toasted at dinner. I tried to hold back the tears hoping it was true.

For obvious reasons, I truly cherished this Father's Day. It was the simple moments like him laughing at my cards, or all of us eating take-out from his favorite restaurant, or watching him get up from the recliner and shake his booty dancing into the kitchen with the most energy I've seen him have in a week. His energy levels have been pretty low since starting the chemo, but it was such a blessing to see God give him enough energy to enjoy Father's Day.

Here's some pictures from the day from my iPhone!

A handful of all the cards everyone has so graciously sent him! It's amazing how he continues to get a dozen new cards in the mail each day! Thank you to everyone who has gone out of your way to encourage him with your prayers!

Holding On To Hope

2008-06-15T10:41:00.002-04:00

"Be doers of the word and not hearers only"
-James 1:22

How do you hold on to hope? Believe it or not - it is not as daunting as it might sound. You simply "become" hope. To "become" hope you "become" pro-active. That means, you make the decision that nothing else matters in your world except for one thing - you have hope. If you want to find hope with all your heart and soul, it is time to put feet to your faith and go after it with a vengeance.

I wrote these words awhile back after I had conquered my own battle with cancer. And now they come back to haunt me as I struggle to hold on to a different type of hope. Just as it is easier to endure your own pain rather than watch someone you love suffer...........it is easier to rest in hope when it is your own life. The stakes are so much diffferent when you must keep the faith and humbly surrender to "THY will" when it affects someone you love. There is so much more fear to fight, patience and trust to be had, and loss to endure when it is all about someone that you love and cherish.

Yes, this fight is alot harder for me than my own bout with conquering cancer. But, I am forever grateful to all those I know and those I don't know who have rushed in to offer love and encouragement to our family on a daily basis. Our mailbox is brimming over each day with letters and cards. The phones ring regularly. And I can feel the massive prayers being prayed for Johnny and our family.

This has been an extra tough week after the good weekend we had last week. The good news is we were able to get under the care of Mayo Clinic immediately so my confidence is restored that Johnny has the best medical care in THE UNIVERSE! Mayo Clinic is truely the "disneyworld of medicine." I thank God for that grace. It came just in time as Johnny struggled through the devasting effects of the chemo-therapy and the neulasta shot to rebuild his white blood cells.

His bones screamed with pain all week and he also had flu symptoms which sucked every ounce of energy out of him. I had to take him back to Mayo Clinic Friday so they could give him an IV to rehydrate him. His stomache was "tore up" and he didnt eat much. He unfortunately was in the bathroom every several hours for many days which caused him to become dehydrated. Today is the first day he did not lose weight when he weighed.

Today is a special Father's Day because we don't know if it will be Johnny's last one. I encourage all of you to cherish your Fathers if they are still alive and let them know how much you love them. The recent death of my favorite news commentator, Tim Russert, really hit me hard because it reminds me that all we are promised is today. So today go find your Father and make this moment count. And don't forget to thank the most important Father of all.....our heavenly Father.

Finding the light of hope

2008-06-11T10:56:00.002-04:00

“Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light to my path”
-Psalm 119:105

Today I am going to the beauty shop to get my color corrected. Scarlett was in last week and when I made my appointment her hairdresser told her that the appointment after me was a lady coming in to get her "chemo cut." I remember my own "chemo cut" back in June 2004. I had already started my chemo treatments and my hair was thinning leaving strands all over my clothes and the backs of chairs I sat on. So I said the heck with it. I decided to cut it in a short pixie - Halle Berry style- to make the loss more manageable. Later on my dear hairdresser at the time, Annetta Nadolna, came to my house and shaved the rest. I realized after all was said and done that we ladies never realize just how much time we spend messing with our hair. It was the most liberating aspect of the whole chemo experience to me to be bald and beautiful!

So I wanted to leave a little letter of hope for this Lady who I do not know but yet am connected to as a sister by the ties that bind all of us who conquer cancer. I know she will conquer cancer also. I am adding her to my daily list of those who I continue to pray for after all these years. Prayer is such a lovely gift because it gives both ways. You bless and you are blessed in return through the joy of giving.

My gift to this lovely lady today is something I wrote a while back about finding the light of hope. Here it is. God bless you my sister in Christ whoever you are:

FINDING THE LIGHT OF HOPE

Do we find hope or does hope find us? I found it appears to us in moments of surrender. In my own cancer journey, the light of hope glimmered when I finally stopped fighting the fear that cancer could destroy me, and surrendered my fight to the power of God to fight for me. It was at that moment I decided to win. I faced my fear and remembered my brother Chip’s motto about fear – that it is False Evidence Appearing Real. So what is the true evidence that is real? These “facts” can be found in the greatest book of truths – THE BIBLE.

I started scouring the bible for verses that revealed the promises of God to each of us. I found a blank journal book and began recording the truths I found to feed my soul each morning and arm myself with the protection I needed to face each day. It brought me great joy as the nuggets of power jumped off the pages at me. They had been there all along but I think the difference was my new receptivity to embrace them. I finally understood what is meant by “power in the word.”

A popular country music song “Jesus Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood offers us great advice. It encourages us all to remember that God is in control. If we can begin by believing this, we can allow hope to perch itself and make a nest in our souls. But the key to this, is believing with all your heart and soul. Hope is believing in the outcome. It is believing what you cannot see. It is realizing the victory is already ours. Cancer is not so much a battle for your body as it is for your soul.

What we cannot see is more important than what we CAN see. What we CAN see is limited. What we CANNOT see is unlimited power of God’s universe that is available to us. There is great power in the unseen – it is that place where we can cleft in God. When we learn to abide in God, to immerse our spirits in quiet, we start to hear the whispers God speaks to our hearts.

The most important aspect of hope is understanding that you can hope because YOU ARE NOT ALONE. God has promised us He is there all the time. Wherever God is there is power. It’s up to us to accept that truth. Once we do the universe unfolds and begins to unleash mighty miracles.

The spoils of our victory is that peace that surpasses all understanding. It is knowing that no matter what God’s will is for our bodies, we have won the battle for our soul. When we can honestly say “No matter what happens – it is well with my soul” then we become filled with a happiness that makes us want to run out and bless the world. That, my friend, is what winning is all about. It is a battle we win day after day if we refuse to give in to despair and choose life.

Mom's Letter

2008-06-11T08:45:00.002-04:00

It's Wednesday morning and Johnny has really been under the weather with flu symptoms and EXTREME bone pain. He lost 7 pounds in one day. It's so heartrending to watch one you love suffer and feel helpless beyond keeping him comfortable and popping the Moutrin to him every 4 hours. He took a leftover darvocet last nite which helped him sleep a little better.

My thoughts traveled back to my Mother in times of my own pain. I remember one particular incident in my younger adult years when I had come back home to visit after another detour in life. I just cried and cried next to her on the bed and she swept me up in her arms and bundled me into her warm soft chest and wrapped her arms around me and let me cry while she stroked my hair. Now THAT is medicine no one can bottle! It's wonderful that Mothers always wait with loving arms for us to come to whether it be a child with a boo boo that needs a band-aid or or a grown woman with a heartache.

How is it that Mothers always have the right words to say for any given crisis? My Mom, Mary Elisabeth Bowdren, is a skilled writer whether she admits it or not. We used to tease her about her letters we would watch her write. No letter was perrfect until it had been written and re-written to peerfection. It was important fo here to convey exactly what was coming from her heart.

And so, when this latest e-mail came from her I smiled and secretly wondered how many re-takes it took her to write this one. When I asked her she said this one was written only once. I love the way she always includes Dad's name on everything she writes. For if eveer two were one - they are. Thanks Mom. You lift my wings and help me fly again:

Dear Johnny, Rene and Scarlett:

After hearing the news on Thursday, we were shocked and unbelieving of the diagnosis and prognosis. The doctor said that the treatment should start right away.

God works in strange ways to make things happen and only He knows why.

I am going to mention a few things and hope that they will give you strength.

When your dad was given the diagnosis of stage 4 Lymphoma cancer, the doctor told me to call the children home immediately. But your dad remembered, (no praise for me), the advice I received from my radiate oncologist - "A positive attitude is 95% of recovery." Your dad said, "Mary,we can do this." I would ask that you be strong and move ahead with prayer, family support an d encouragement.. Don't misunderstand - he was one sick man but kept going when he didn't feel like it. He got through it with prayer and love.

Then there was you, our daughter who was far, far more ill than her dad. Tho' we were not with you as much as we would of liked, Johnny, Scarlett and your friends took wonderful care of you. You were very sick and we all were so worried, but God took wonderful care of you assisted by through prayers, love, and your Angel birds.

As Johnny starts his chemo treatments, things will start looking up giving him encouragement, feeling better and being better.

We have Emailed family and friends for prayers, the lighting of candles, and the placing of Johnny's name on daily prayer lists.

We, of course, are always ready to be there as you need us for hugs, kisses and encouragement. We love you all and are always here for you. Remember,

"WE ARE FAMILY"

Love,

Mom and Dad

Remember, there is always "HOPE"!!!

P.S from Rene................Isnt my Mom the greatest? :)

How Do You Pray?

2008-06-10T14:45:00.002-04:00

Do you ever think about who your God is to you when you pray? Do you believe in your heart that He truly has the power to care about little ole you in the midst of that mighty universe He is so busy running? And do you believe that indeed we have access to that power through prayer? If He is in us then we are in Him and all is one right?

So if I am to remain at peace and know my universe is under control at all times I must be able to trust in that immense mightiness. If I am to trust in it I must believe in it. If I am to believe in it then I must know it and understand Him in the very core of my heart. I must KNOW He is there. I must SEE the face of God. And at any given moment if I am asked "Who is your God?" I must not hesitate to describe Him so others may see what I know to be true in every fiber of my being.

I created the following prayer of thanks that I memorized by heart so that at any given moment I would be able to access Him through KNOWING my source of His power. I recite this every morning when I wake up and every moment I feel fear:

Thank You Lord for waking me to another day of serving You.

I thank you for ALWAYS BEING AVAILABLE to me every second, every minute, every hour, every day of my life. You are ALWAYS on time no matter ewhat time I call you. And you ALWAYS aanswer all prayer.

I thank you Lord for BLESSING ME WITH BEAUTY in all I see, all I hear, all I feel, and all I touch. Your beauty is everywhere and in everyone.

I thank You Lord for COMFORTING ME WITH COMPASSION when I make mistakes. Your understanding and forgiveness get me up off my knees when I make mistakes. Today I forgive all who have offended me and ask forgiveness for all who I have offended.

I thank You Lord for DESIGNING MY DREAMS according to Your divine plan for my life You alone know my true hart's desire and what I was born too do.

I thank You Lord for EXPECTING EXCELLENCE in all I do to greater maximize my potential to serve You and glorify You.

I thank You Lord for FRESHENING THE FOUNDATION of my heart with your unconditional love and power. I can do all things through You because you strengthen me.

I thank You Lord for GIVING ME GRACE to handle every situation and day with Your Divine solutions. I know there is nothing that can happen today that You and I can't handle together.

I thank You Lord for HELPING ME TO HEAL when my heart, my body or my spirit is weal. Your love is the best medicine I could ever take!

I thank You Lord for INSTILLING INTEGRITY in me to always do the right thing, at the right time, at the right place so others will learn of You through my example.

I thank You Lord for JUMPSTARTING MY JOY with Your laughter and music. You put a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

I thank You Lord for KINDLING YOUR KINDNESS in me reminding me how treat each person I meet as my neighbor to love as I love myself.

I thank You Lord LIFTING ME WITH YOUR LOVE so I will rememvber - whatever the question love is the answer.

I thank You Lord MAKING MY LIFE A MASTERPIECE painted with heavenly strokes of amazing grace by your mighty hand.

I thank You Lord for NEVER NOTICING my flaws but always magnifying my best assets to serve you.

I thank You Lord for ORGANIZING MY OPPORTUNITES that appear each day and remembering that miraclexs are all around us if we will just open our eyes with an expectant heart.

I thank You Lord for PROTECTING ALL THAT IS PRECIOUS TO ME and guarding my family, my friends, and my pets as any shepherd would guard His flock.

I thank You LOrd for QUENCHING MY SOUL WITH QUET so I can hear Your whispers to my heart. I know in silence I can find You whenever I seek zYou.

I thank You LOrd for STRENGTHENING MY SPIRIT when I am weak by carrying me on YOUR Shoulders. It is at these moments I see only one set of footprints in the sand.

I thank You LOrd for TEACHING ME TO TRUST YOU that all is well all the time - even when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I thank You Lord for unveiling Your universe before me everytime I look out across the ocean or up at the stars. Your magnificence takes my breath away.

I thank you for WRITING YOUR WISDOM in Your instruction book called the bible. You are the beacon of light my soul follows.

I thank You Lord for YANKING OUT MY YESTERDAYS TO MAKE ROOM FOR MY TOMORROWS WITH YOUR PROMISES FOR TODAY>

And most of all LOrd, thank You for ZAPPING ME WITH THE ZEAL I need to spread the news today of Your saving grace and love in Jesus' name - AMEN!

Forgiveness = Love

2008-06-10T11:51:00.000-04:00

Each morning I get emailed a verse of the day along with a prayer, so today in my quiet time I reflected on today's verse:

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Thoughts on today's verse
How can I not forgive a brother for whom Christ died, when I know what God paid to forgive me?

Prayer:
Holy Father, I commit today to release any grudge or bitterness that I have against one of your children. I am sorry for not reflecting your grace and mercy which you lavished on me. But Abba Father, I need the help of your Holy Spirit to relinquish my claim on the wrongs committed against me and to treat those who have hurt me as full siblings in your family. Empower me as I commit to follow your example in forgiving, even when it is hard. Through Jesus I pray. Amen.'

With everything going on with my dad, it really makes me appreciate the weight of this verse. Life is simply too short not to forgive.

Tonight I have a date to watch "The Bucket List" with my dad. I saw it in the theaters but he hasn't seen it yet. There is a storyline in the end where, before his own life ends, Jack Nicholson's character has to overcome whatever bitterness he has had with his daughter to find freedom in forgiveness. He is stubborn at first, but Morgan Freeman's character finally pushes him to do so. As a result, Jack finally finds joy in having not only his daughter back in his life, but now his grandchild that he had never met. Had he not finally forgave her, he would have missed out on the new life their relationship took on now blessed in love and grace. It was something that wasn't on his bucket list, but it was the most important thing he accomplished.

Unfortunately, life doesn't always end up happily ever after, and I've learned the hard way that we are not promised forgiveness from those who we seek forgiveness from. But that's not the point or where the true freedom is found. Jesus doesn't promise everyone will forgive us, He simply asks us to forgive 77 times. (Matthew 18:21-22).

Even in my own relationship with my dad, over the years, there have been challenges along the way that required forgiveness on both our parts. Just as he has continued to forgive me, I have continued to forgive him, and now we are closer than we've ever been. It took me a long time to realize that great love is not having a perfect relationship, but loving through the imperfections. Loving someone when it is the hardest to love them. Loving them by running toward them, not away from them. Loving by forgiving them, and how that opens your life to the greatest love of all, God's love. I have seen the greatest example of this in my parents' marriage and pray that I can one day be given the same grace in my own.

They say it's not until you think you are dying that you really start to live. I also believe it's not until you can finally forgive that you really start to love.

Let Me See Your Sermon

2008-06-10T00:05:00.001-04:00

Johnny has been slipping into the side effects of his first chemo since yesterday. Today he got his neulasta shot to help the bone remake white blood cells. He is very ackey - especially in his bones. It feels like the flu. I told him it will only last a few days. No nausea yet so far - hallelujah! And the cards are hitting the mailbox!

Tomorrow night we have a family date to watch the movie "The Bucket List" with Scarlett. It's all about doing th things you always wanted to do - and what really matters in life.

I ran across a favorite poem during my quiet time with God today. It's in a book called "Heart Blessings." It is a scrapbook of Christian poetry and prose for inspiration and daily devotion compiled by Dale Crowley. I read it as a companion to the bible each morning.

The poem is called "Let Me SEE Your Sermon" and I love it because it's all about one of the greatest lessons I learned while conquering cancer. My friend Rea has a favorite saying "You can talk the talk and you can walk the walk but it's better to walk the talk then to talk the walk..." Got it?

What that means is to simply wake up each morning and start LIVING your Christianity with every step you take.........with every word you speak.......with every action you do......keeping always in the back of your mind - what would Jesus do? Stop talking about it and over-analyzing - get out and do something about it!

I heard Joyce Meyers say "Going to church on Sundays won't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage will make you a car. We need to be in church on Sundays to feed our souls on the Word and recharge our lights through fellowship where two or more are gathered in HIs name. But Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday you'll find me walking the talk and spreading the love to every person I encounter through my actions, through my interest because I believe every person I meet is a heavenly assignment.

And Jesus spread His message by teaching not preaching. He taught by example. He went out of His way to touch people and heal them with love and kindness. How often do we go out of our own comfort zones - just stop and go out of our way to do a kindness if just to make someone smile. I think the moments that count are the ones we don't have time for or don't feel like going to the trouble for - but we do it anyway because we know that one life will breathe easier because we did. That's living as God intended us to. Here's the poem:

Let Me SEE Your Sermon

I'd rather see a sermon than hear one anyday,
I'd rather one should walk with me than merely show the way.
The eye's a better pupil and more willing than the ear;
Fine counseling is confusing, but example's always clear.

And the best of all the preachers are the men who live their creeds,
For to see the good in action is what everybody needs.
I can soon learn how to do it if you'll let me see it done,
I can watch your hands in action but your tongue too fast may run.

And the lectures you deliver may be very wise and true;
But I'd rather get my lessons by observing what you do.
For I may misunderstand you and the high advice you give,
But there is no misunderstanding how you act and how you live.

Johnny's Thoughts

2008-06-08T19:39:00.003-04:00

This has been a really good weekend. Johnny talked to many old friends from the past as well as his good friends today. He felt good Saturday. We have had a wonderful peace about it all this weekend. He had a hearty appetite and so far has had no side effects of nausea. Last night the three of us sat together and talked about our journey through this healing experience and things we wanted to say on the blog. We listened to his favorite songs. Here is Johnny's own thoughts and feelings as told to us during our conversations. He wanted to let everyone know how his faith is sustaining him through all this:

"Even though I have a bad diagnosis, I still give thanks to the Lord for His blessings everyday. No matter how bad it gets everyday, it is important for every human being to thank the Lord for your blessings. I was baptized and raised in the oldest Baptist church in Florida in my hometown of Campbellton, Florida. I was in church every Sunday morning and evening and on Wednesdays in "training union." My Mother Bernice Skipper and Grandmother Lillian Norsworthy made sure of that, and it was the greatest gift they ever gave me.

There is a sign in Jackson county I always used to pass on my travels back and forth, after I left home and ventured out into the world. It read "Jesus loves you anyway." Through my ups and downs and detours in life that sign always reminded of the way back home to my family and to the Lord.

I thank Him for being here.
I thank Him for being his child.

My message to each of you is, no matter how rough it is, you were brought into this world as the Lord's child. You are blessed with life and you are blessed with a chance to love the Lord. It doesn't matter how you bad a day you may have had, you can still love the Lord. Nobody can take that away from you. You don't even have to say it aloud, you can just close your eyes and say it in your heart.

The chance is there each day. On the good days, you REALLY can bless the Lord and on the bad days, it doesn't matter how bad it is, as long as we remember the Lord is there always.

When it's time to go, then you go with a good spirit. When you do have to face the Lord hopefully you are 51% on the good side! I've done some things I wished I hadn't but I've always recognized goodness too. I've learned that good always triumphs over evil. It's important to do the right thing.

I just want to give people an attitude of not quitting. I've been knocked down many times, but I get back up. People that lay down and "waller in their squaller" never get anywhere. It seems that's when all the bad things come in. If you keep on doing what you're doing you keep on getting what you're getting.

People that don't have as much to live for don't fight as much to live. So grab life and find something to live for! Look around you! We need to look at the full glass of water. Maybe sometimes need to read something to remind us of the truth's in life and the bible is the best instruction book in the world. We read and know things as we go through life but you can't remember everything. Sometimes something reminds you of the wisdom you knew 10 years ago, and all of a sudden you'll hear it again and you are back in the groove. The truth will always set you free.

I have been feeling more emotional lately and I don't know if its because of the terminal prognosis because I know we are all going to go one day. I don't know if it was the stress of not knowing what was wrong with me. As long as I know my enemy I do well and can fight it... but I didn't know what my enemy was.... and now that I know what my enemy is, the release of the emotionalism is coming out, which is natural to cleanse your mind. I am realizing that when you are showing your emotions and crying, it is building your strength back up.

The stress release then gives me the strength to get mad at that scourge of the earth called cancer that takes so many people. I know lucifer is out there smiling thinking he's got me for a while, but I can't wait to pop him good and tell him I got him back one more time, so hold off your victory party! So things like that give me strength to fight and stick around longer than predicted and love my family and make up now where we are, for mistakes I wish I could undo or rectify. But I have learned that if you learn the lessons there are no failures.

I encourage you to just let everyone know that a victory over cancer is a victory against the devil and tell anybody out there that has cancer or has a relative with cancer, to make sure they fight hard and not give the devil another victory. The devil can kiss my grits. Get mad dog mean, like Josey Wales said in the movie "The Outlaw Josey Wales."

I don't want this blog to be a selfish thing for me, I want this to be something that as people read this, that it can help them and give them strength knowing that you are going to have ups and downs, and how to handle the ups and downs, to help them not give up. The reason of the blog is not to get sympathy, but to share and uplift. I am appreciative but I also want to give back in return. I want to help the people that write in with their prayers, to not give up. I believe the Lord, when he's scanning the blog, will look down at all of us right here and it will make him proud.

When you give you receive and what goes around always comes back around in God's circle of life.

Today the three of us listened to Martina McBride sing the song "Anyway." It talks about walking through your fears and building, dreaming, believing and loving no matter what. Do it anyway. I wish you each the same. Remember, every moment counts."