Friday, November 21, 2008

How Great Thou Art!

“Every day I will praise You and extol Your name for ever and ever. Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom.” - Psalm 145:2-3

Recently, I’ve been having a lot of wee in morning conversations with God. Johnny isn’t sleeping as well lately. He has to find a certain position and not move to keep the pain at bay. The slightest stirring by me rouses him and brings him back awake. And then there is my snoring that disrupts his peace. I wake up to him pounding my back in frustration. May I tell you how embarrassing it is to have such an atrocious habit you have no control over?

So, consequently, I spend a lot of nights in the guest room for his sake. Also, I have started staying up later, after he retires to bed, to have my own quiet time, in the still of the night. This is the only time of day when nobody needs me – not Johnny, not the dog, not Scarlett, not my friends, not anybody. These are my times I can get a clear line to God. These are the moments I draw my strength from God to get me through the next day.

Often I lay there in the guest bed gazing at the stars alone. The room used to be a children’s room with the last owners, and they put up those fluorescent stars that glow in the dark. So I look up and think “How great Thou art!” and I remind myself not to worry because God is watching over me. It is a new reality to lay in the bed alone. Sometimes I wonder if God is preparing me for the possibility of really being alone one day in this gradual way.

It is a precarious position I find myself in. I do not want to let go of Johnny. I do not want him to leave me. There are so many undone things we had planned to do in these golden years of our life. We have been through so much since our first kiss at my dorm’s doorstep. We’ve had good years. We’ve had bad years.. We both have “grown up” together in so many ways as we found our own paths in life.

Now that we have matured, our tempestuous life has subsided into a calm and peaceful journey, as we have settled into the house of our dreams, on the corner of Rebels Hill Drive and Greenland Oaks the last 10 years. We look at each other through the eyes of a love that has endured through many trials, and now has come around full circle to everything it was meant to be from the beginning.

Yet I stand at a crossroads of believing he will be healed, while at the same time having to muster the strength of possibly having to take care of myself for the first time in my life. Johnny has always taken care of me. He has been my knight in shining armor.

Have I mentioned how ecstatic it is to pray together? This simple act of love was too long coming. It is a joy that is unexplainable to grow in this new way together. There is a power there, that knits our hearts in new ways into a fabric of a tapestry that only God could create. God is the thread that binds us. Oh Lord! Please don’t take Johnny now when we have just found this new dimension of love as part of a trinity with You!

These thoughts creep in as I struggle to understand the will of God through all this. I believe with all my heart that Johnny is healed through the stripes of Jesus. I fight daily to keep my faith alive and to stand in the gap for Johnny as he battles the pain and not knowing what the future holds. We continue to hang on to hope, as we bow to His will in all things. As long as the doctors tell us they have new weapons to throw at the deadly pestilence we fight even when we cannot see.

Faith comes down to simply this. We praise the Lord no matter what. We learn that we are more than conquerors because the battle is already won – our souls are His. We live forever under His wing of protection in spirit. Johnny has reunited with and surrendered his spirit to the greatness of the Lord. This is to know heaven on earth. This is to believe all is well all the time.

Embracing that simple truth opens up the heavens to new levels of blessings. Suddenly you BELIEVE that He has given His angels charge over you in all your ways. You understand that no matter what is swirling around you – you are protected by He whose greatness is so vast that no one can measure it. Now that’s protection!

His wonderful redeeming love for each of us is something that makes my soul sing – even as I stand – not knowing what tomorrow brings – but knowing that, as I bow in humble adoration – He is there with me.

I wish for each of you – that same trust in God – to believe that the greatness of the Lord surrounds you – the love of the Lord enfolds you – the power of the Lord protects you – the presence of the Lord watches over you – wherever you are – God is – and all is well.

I cannot thank all of you enough for the cards and letters and phone calls and visits that continue to come on a daily basis, to lift us up and remind us that love surrounds us in so many beautiful ways. Most of all thank you for your prayers and thoughts – that is the greatest gift of all. Johnny appreciates each and everyone of you and sends his love back.

Beautiful blessings,


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh--how many memories this brings back to me--the times of taking care of my precious husband and moving to the guest bedroom. I know God has a plan for all of us but I will never understand why so many people have to suffer--- and suffer fromm the "BIG C"--cancer. I pray daily for Johnny's healing, for him to have strength, and for him to rest and for you, Rene, that God gives you strength at this time. Many people are praying for both of you and keep on keeping on in God's love and strength. My love and prayers to the both of you.