“Greet one another with a holy kiss” - 2 Corinthians 13:12
It’s a few hours before midnight rings in the new year 2009. Johnny has been sleeping on and off all day on the couch and finally woke and went to bed upstairs. The firecrackers are popping all around us. The moon is uniquely beautiful tonight framed in a hazy mist with just a sliver of a crescent shining against a dark circle next to a single shining star.
It is a haunting sight between the shadows of the live oak trees that are silhouettes lighted by the moon. It is a unique masterpiece painted in brilliant strokes of amazing grace by HIS mighty hand. To me it is a message of beautiful brightness in the darkness. It is a beacon of hope that 2009 will be a year of many blessings.
I say that having absolutely no idea what the future holds for us. This is the first New Year’s Eve where I look forward in blind trust in the Lord because I know that there are storms ahead on the way to rainbows. There are going to be “walking on water moments” where I know I will be reaching out to grab God’s hand and not looking down. But I am able to keep hope alive because I know that all problems are blessings in disguise. God is always teaching us more about HIM through trials.
That’s why this midnight I will be up to greet the new year and sing God’s praises despite the circumstances and toast the coming year ahead with a shout. This year however, I will be toasting alone. Johnny is too weak to stay up. He simply is not eating much. The nausea continues to plague him. Yesterday when we went to Mayo for an appointment I had to push him in a wheelchair.
He barely made it up the stairs tonight. I may have to make him a permanent bed downstairs soon. I’m not sure he’ll be ready to do chemo again on Monday if things continue this way. I simply pray that God will direct us according to HIS will for the situation. It is hard to watch Johnny suffer. Get to work angels and keep that tight hedge around my baby! HE has given you charge over my sweetheart!
New Year’s Day, I am making the traditional pot of greens for prosperity and black eyed peas for good luck with some Hoover’s cornbread fried in a skillet. My precious friend Debi and hubby Mark are bringing a wonderful surprise gift – a pick up truck full of chopped wood! Yay! Someone to share the meal with! And receiving the abundance of a friend’s kindness on the first day of the year. That’s my idea of a good start!
Johnny loves a good fire too, so the wood is a perfect gift. I made him one last night even though it wasn’t cold. I believe there is healing power watching the flames. He graciously shared his “secrets of the master” and taught me the art of building and stoking a fire all night long over the past few months, so I am quite the expert now. I also am learning to conquer the BBQ grill thanks to those nifty little individual charcoal bags you simply toss underneath the rack and lite.
Tonight at midnight I will be standing outside on my veranda lifting my glass of French champagne to the sky, flanked by my faithful canine companions Lucky and grand-pup Rhett under sparkling white Christmas lights. I will be toasting our awesome God in thanks for another year. I will be toasting everyone I love. I will be toasting old friends and new friends. I will be toasting all of you in thanks for your loving support of our family through this current crisis. I will also be asking God’s blessing on each of you and your own circumstances.
But most importantly – a special thanks to you all for showing such love to my husband. He is absolutely overwhelmed by your attention and demonstration of the Christian spirit. It has brought him and all of us to new levels in our faith. It is so comforting to know we do not make this journey alone. We not only see God’s footprints when we look down – we see all of your footprints that are indelibly etched in our hearts forever. God bless each and every one of you.
Happy New Year from the Williams Family!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
A Day After Christmas Surprise
“I will praise You with my whole heart;
Before the gods I will sing praises to You.
I will worship toward Your holy temple,
And praise Your name
For Your loving kindness and Your truth;
For You have magnified Your word
Above all Your name.
In the day when I cried out,
You answered me,
And made me bold,
With strength in my soul”
Psalm 138:1-3
T’was the day AFTER Christmas and God gave us a BONUS BLESSING!!!!!
For the first time in quite awhile, Johnny woke up feeling good.
He had made it through Christmas day and my parents visit for dinner but only with great strength and effort. He missed out on the tasty fried turkey a friend had brought over to provide for our meal. All he could eat was a spoonful or two.
I helped him dress in a “Christmas outfit” downstairs because he was too weak to walk upstairs and change. His frail body is getting even frailer. Tear filled my eyes as I helped him pull his pants up his legs. He used to have sexy, muscular legs and a nice “tush” (a result of his championship basketball playing days.) Now his upper leg fits inside a ring I can make with my fingers from both hands pressed together. Now I know what “skin and bones” means.
On Christmas morning I asked him if he would hug me. With great effort he put his arms around me. His arms were there but his heart wasn’t. There was no “bear hug” squeeze like he used to do lifting my feet off the ground. I miss those bear hugs. Our kisses have become pecks on the cheeks. Because we don’t sleep together anymore we don’t have our “spoon moments” in the bed, where we press our bodies together and just become one in silent reverie of the warmth of love.
I’ve tried but it smothers him now. He gets claustrophobic feeling pressed in even if I try to tuck blankets around him for comfort. So the season of our love is taking on new dimensions as are roles change and I love him in new and different ways. I nurse him tenderly. I take on all the responsibilities of business and dealing with orchestrating his new life which revolves around frequent visits to Mayo Clinic and patient care at home.
I can feel his spirit slipping away in a sense………….that was until YESTERDAY!
He got up and had his quick sip of coffee and headed to the bathroom for his morning newspaper reading. I didn’t get to talk much yet because the cable man arrived moments later to fix my computer. Then the phone rang and it was a “blast from the past.” The familiar voice said “Do you know who this is?” It took a few moments to realize it was Johnny’s long lost cousin Yvonne who was my FSU roommate and who had introduced me to Johnny.
We talked a few minutes and I filled her in on the state of Johnny and how frail and weak he was yada yada. Then I took the phone to him when he got out of the bathroom having prepared her for the worst. Then what do I hear? I hear a BOOMING voice full of life and vim and vigor, laughing and joking and carrying on a hearty conversation. I turned around in shock and awe. Was this my Johnny? It was like a ghost from the past.
I walked upstairs to help the cable man and Scarlett was just waking up. She called me into her room and said “you wont believe the dream I just had! I heard the cableman talking and it sounded just like Daddy’s old voice!” I told her that was no dream! Daddy was back!
Later that morning I was finishing up Christmas dishes (yes, I gave myself a break the day before) at the sink washing up the last few pots and pans and Johnny surprised me by walking up behind me and slipped his arms around my waist. He hugged me and kissed the back of my neck like the old days and told me how wonderful a nurse I was to him and what a great Christmas hostess I was. He thanked me for everything I was doing in “running life” for us while he was down.
I turned around in his arms with tears in my eyes and said “Do I know You?” with a smile. We had the sweetest embrace we have had for months. I had my husband back – and I didn’t know for how long, so we made yesterday one big celebration all day long. It was better than Christmas.
He was hungry – yay! He was lighthearted. He was happy. He was mostly painfree. Yippee! He had such a great day that we poured a glass of wine for the three of us as the sun set and toasted all the things we had missed – Johnny’s birthday the week before, Scarlett’s birthday yesterday, and Jesus’s birthday!
We kept on toasting and toasting all the blessings we could think of in our lives. This may have been our best day in 2008. For a frozen moment in time we were back together as a family and as our old selves before we traveled down tragedy lane. We laughed….we sang……we watched Wheel of Fortune and I beat him like a drum!
He even stayed up late past 10:00pm to watch the last of a football game. Woo hoo! Then I tucked him tenderly into bed and kissed him goodnight. I slept good last nite for the first time in awhile.
This morning as I write this I don’t know who Johnny will be today. But I am praying for one more good day and that he feels hungry again. I wrote you that he had rallied with the new pills last week but it only lasted a few days then he was back to down and out…..hardly eating again. So we shall see what God has planned today.
But meanwhile, we thank the Lord for that “manna from heaven” He sent us for a day. Isn’t it wonderful that He gives us just enough light for the step we are on? The Lord is full of surprises as we continue to follow Him in faithfulness and wait upon Him. He never abandons us even when sometimes we get impatient. He simply reminds us to trust Him to always be provided for. Our God is an awesome God and He never ceases to amaze me.
He gives me strength to wake up each morning looking for the miracle and surprises He has in store. Thank you Lord for everything.
Beautiful Blessings,
Rene
Before the gods I will sing praises to You.
I will worship toward Your holy temple,
And praise Your name
For Your loving kindness and Your truth;
For You have magnified Your word
Above all Your name.
In the day when I cried out,
You answered me,
And made me bold,
With strength in my soul”
Psalm 138:1-3
T’was the day AFTER Christmas and God gave us a BONUS BLESSING!!!!!
For the first time in quite awhile, Johnny woke up feeling good.
He had made it through Christmas day and my parents visit for dinner but only with great strength and effort. He missed out on the tasty fried turkey a friend had brought over to provide for our meal. All he could eat was a spoonful or two.
I helped him dress in a “Christmas outfit” downstairs because he was too weak to walk upstairs and change. His frail body is getting even frailer. Tear filled my eyes as I helped him pull his pants up his legs. He used to have sexy, muscular legs and a nice “tush” (a result of his championship basketball playing days.) Now his upper leg fits inside a ring I can make with my fingers from both hands pressed together. Now I know what “skin and bones” means.
On Christmas morning I asked him if he would hug me. With great effort he put his arms around me. His arms were there but his heart wasn’t. There was no “bear hug” squeeze like he used to do lifting my feet off the ground. I miss those bear hugs. Our kisses have become pecks on the cheeks. Because we don’t sleep together anymore we don’t have our “spoon moments” in the bed, where we press our bodies together and just become one in silent reverie of the warmth of love.
I’ve tried but it smothers him now. He gets claustrophobic feeling pressed in even if I try to tuck blankets around him for comfort. So the season of our love is taking on new dimensions as are roles change and I love him in new and different ways. I nurse him tenderly. I take on all the responsibilities of business and dealing with orchestrating his new life which revolves around frequent visits to Mayo Clinic and patient care at home.
I can feel his spirit slipping away in a sense………….that was until YESTERDAY!
He got up and had his quick sip of coffee and headed to the bathroom for his morning newspaper reading. I didn’t get to talk much yet because the cable man arrived moments later to fix my computer. Then the phone rang and it was a “blast from the past.” The familiar voice said “Do you know who this is?” It took a few moments to realize it was Johnny’s long lost cousin Yvonne who was my FSU roommate and who had introduced me to Johnny.
We talked a few minutes and I filled her in on the state of Johnny and how frail and weak he was yada yada. Then I took the phone to him when he got out of the bathroom having prepared her for the worst. Then what do I hear? I hear a BOOMING voice full of life and vim and vigor, laughing and joking and carrying on a hearty conversation. I turned around in shock and awe. Was this my Johnny? It was like a ghost from the past.
I walked upstairs to help the cable man and Scarlett was just waking up. She called me into her room and said “you wont believe the dream I just had! I heard the cableman talking and it sounded just like Daddy’s old voice!” I told her that was no dream! Daddy was back!
Later that morning I was finishing up Christmas dishes (yes, I gave myself a break the day before) at the sink washing up the last few pots and pans and Johnny surprised me by walking up behind me and slipped his arms around my waist. He hugged me and kissed the back of my neck like the old days and told me how wonderful a nurse I was to him and what a great Christmas hostess I was. He thanked me for everything I was doing in “running life” for us while he was down.
I turned around in his arms with tears in my eyes and said “Do I know You?” with a smile. We had the sweetest embrace we have had for months. I had my husband back – and I didn’t know for how long, so we made yesterday one big celebration all day long. It was better than Christmas.
He was hungry – yay! He was lighthearted. He was happy. He was mostly painfree. Yippee! He had such a great day that we poured a glass of wine for the three of us as the sun set and toasted all the things we had missed – Johnny’s birthday the week before, Scarlett’s birthday yesterday, and Jesus’s birthday!
We kept on toasting and toasting all the blessings we could think of in our lives. This may have been our best day in 2008. For a frozen moment in time we were back together as a family and as our old selves before we traveled down tragedy lane. We laughed….we sang……we watched Wheel of Fortune and I beat him like a drum!
He even stayed up late past 10:00pm to watch the last of a football game. Woo hoo! Then I tucked him tenderly into bed and kissed him goodnight. I slept good last nite for the first time in awhile.
This morning as I write this I don’t know who Johnny will be today. But I am praying for one more good day and that he feels hungry again. I wrote you that he had rallied with the new pills last week but it only lasted a few days then he was back to down and out…..hardly eating again. So we shall see what God has planned today.
But meanwhile, we thank the Lord for that “manna from heaven” He sent us for a day. Isn’t it wonderful that He gives us just enough light for the step we are on? The Lord is full of surprises as we continue to follow Him in faithfulness and wait upon Him. He never abandons us even when sometimes we get impatient. He simply reminds us to trust Him to always be provided for. Our God is an awesome God and He never ceases to amaze me.
He gives me strength to wake up each morning looking for the miracle and surprises He has in store. Thank you Lord for everything.
Beautiful Blessings,
Rene
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Whatever The Question - Love Is The Answer
“And you shall love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. This is the first commandment. And the second like it is this; You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.” - Mark 12:30-31
What would you do if you were told you only had six months to live? What would you do with your time left? Last Christmas, we had no idea we would be faced with the reality of this question. We all know our day of death is inevitable, but we never really believe it is true for ourselves. And so we go on living as if we have forever.
Celebrating the birth of Christ gives whole new meaning to that question if we stop and consider the gift HE brought to the world. One word – LOVE. It is all we need to know and consider on our journey here on earth.
Having an “appointment time” for one’s imminent departure, completely changes everything about life. It brings you from a life of superficial living and mundane attention to inconsequential things, to getting serious about answering the eternal question – what am I here for? What have I accomplished or learned so far?
What you have learned is evident in how you currently live. Are you focused on the truth of our existence or caught up running in place on the never ending wheel of frustration like a gerbil in a cage. That wheel is full of a million distractions that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.
What matters is love. What matters is love. What matters is love.
There I said it. Are you listening?
The whole purpose of Jesus being born was to bring the world this message. Love your Lord. Love yourself. Love your neighbor . Those commandments are intertwined – you cannot have one without the other. It’s like the old chicken and the egg question. Which came first?
Our lessons in love for the Williams family have cast a whole new light on the subject these past months on the cancer journey. This is where love comes down to the “heart of the matter” and is tested in ways I never would have imagined. It’s like a long version of life flashing before your eyes…but in this instance it is love and all its aspects we have known flashing before us.
I see all the different forms of love we have experienced throughout the years since our love began. It has grown and evolved, gone backwards and forwards, up and down. It has stretched to both extremes of good and bad. We have left it. We have come back to it. We have defined it. We have redefined it. We have multiplied it.
It has been filled with joy. It has been filled with pain. It has been filled with laughter. It has been filled with friendship. It has been filled with battles. What I have come to realize now looking back, is that all of it has lead us to the best definition of love – and this was the one Christ was trying to teach us – unconditional love.
Yes, it’s all about loving someone through the good, the bad and the ugly. Remember the old time vows of love we recited at our marriage ceremonies? For richer or poorer. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. It’s all about the commitment of love that we make to love no matter what. Love conquers everything.
But it is about more than marital love. That is simply our practice field. Then it extends to our family. Then it grows to embrace our friends. Then it grows to our neighbors and our communities. And from there we can reach out and touch the world with love.
But as Christ shows us – it begins with the greatest source of love which is our Lord. We must recognize and honor Him first. Then we can love and honor ourselves, and the chain of love keeps growing and growing.
This Christmas I hope you will give the gift of love to your life in all its glorious forms. Don’t wait until you have a deadline. Tell those you love that you love them. Show those you love that you do by making them a priority on your list of things to do. Live your life as if you knew when your time was up so you will make the most of it. This is how to make your life count.
This is the real purpose and the only purpose for being here. We are each a different blueprint of God’s love. We are all snowflakes in life. Roll us together and we can make a good snowman better than ole Frosty!
So Christmas greetings from The Williams house to all of you “jolly happy souls.” Our one wish for you in the coming year is to live, love, laugh and be happy. Then pass it on.
Christmas Blessings!
Rene, Johnny and Scarlett Williams
What would you do if you were told you only had six months to live? What would you do with your time left? Last Christmas, we had no idea we would be faced with the reality of this question. We all know our day of death is inevitable, but we never really believe it is true for ourselves. And so we go on living as if we have forever.
Celebrating the birth of Christ gives whole new meaning to that question if we stop and consider the gift HE brought to the world. One word – LOVE. It is all we need to know and consider on our journey here on earth.
Having an “appointment time” for one’s imminent departure, completely changes everything about life. It brings you from a life of superficial living and mundane attention to inconsequential things, to getting serious about answering the eternal question – what am I here for? What have I accomplished or learned so far?
What you have learned is evident in how you currently live. Are you focused on the truth of our existence or caught up running in place on the never ending wheel of frustration like a gerbil in a cage. That wheel is full of a million distractions that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.
What matters is love. What matters is love. What matters is love.
There I said it. Are you listening?
The whole purpose of Jesus being born was to bring the world this message. Love your Lord. Love yourself. Love your neighbor . Those commandments are intertwined – you cannot have one without the other. It’s like the old chicken and the egg question. Which came first?
Our lessons in love for the Williams family have cast a whole new light on the subject these past months on the cancer journey. This is where love comes down to the “heart of the matter” and is tested in ways I never would have imagined. It’s like a long version of life flashing before your eyes…but in this instance it is love and all its aspects we have known flashing before us.
I see all the different forms of love we have experienced throughout the years since our love began. It has grown and evolved, gone backwards and forwards, up and down. It has stretched to both extremes of good and bad. We have left it. We have come back to it. We have defined it. We have redefined it. We have multiplied it.
It has been filled with joy. It has been filled with pain. It has been filled with laughter. It has been filled with friendship. It has been filled with battles. What I have come to realize now looking back, is that all of it has lead us to the best definition of love – and this was the one Christ was trying to teach us – unconditional love.
Yes, it’s all about loving someone through the good, the bad and the ugly. Remember the old time vows of love we recited at our marriage ceremonies? For richer or poorer. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. It’s all about the commitment of love that we make to love no matter what. Love conquers everything.
But it is about more than marital love. That is simply our practice field. Then it extends to our family. Then it grows to embrace our friends. Then it grows to our neighbors and our communities. And from there we can reach out and touch the world with love.
But as Christ shows us – it begins with the greatest source of love which is our Lord. We must recognize and honor Him first. Then we can love and honor ourselves, and the chain of love keeps growing and growing.
This Christmas I hope you will give the gift of love to your life in all its glorious forms. Don’t wait until you have a deadline. Tell those you love that you love them. Show those you love that you do by making them a priority on your list of things to do. Live your life as if you knew when your time was up so you will make the most of it. This is how to make your life count.
This is the real purpose and the only purpose for being here. We are each a different blueprint of God’s love. We are all snowflakes in life. Roll us together and we can make a good snowman better than ole Frosty!
So Christmas greetings from The Williams house to all of you “jolly happy souls.” Our one wish for you in the coming year is to live, love, laugh and be happy. Then pass it on.
Christmas Blessings!
Rene, Johnny and Scarlett Williams
Monday, December 22, 2008
A Chrismas Poem by Rene
‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas
At Johhny and Rene’s.
The Williams were snuggled
In bed with their dreams.
Even Scarlett and Rhett
For a brief Christmas stay,
Were back in their bedroom
Like long ago days.
Dear Lucky lay ready
To guard through the night,
In the house that slept under
The Christmas star lights.
Each window had candles,
Old fashioned you know!
That shined like a beacon
Of warm Christmas glow.
The lights on the wraparound
Porch sparkled bright
Setting colorful flowers
Ablaze in the night.
The Christmas tree sparkled
A glittering pink
In Victorian splendor
That make your eyes blink!
And the dining room table
Held plenty of cheer
Holding hundreds of Christmas cards
Keeping hearts near.
But this year no presents
Lay under the tree
Except those from family
And friends we received.
For Christmas was different
In 2008.
We decided the gifts
To each other could wait.
We didn’t need Santa
To come with his sleigh
With sacks full of presents
On this Christmas day.
We knew for this daughter,
This Father and Mother,
The best gift we had for this year
Was each other.
When we wake in the morning
We’ll open our eyes
With hearts full of joy
For another sunrise.
We’ll think of the babe
In the manger that morn,
Who changed all our lives
On the day He was born.
We’ll lift up our voices
In thanks and in praise,
For giving us love
To fill all of our days.
Every day is a blessing
When trusting in Christ,
To know that He lives
In our hearts is so nice.
When we look at each other
We look at HIS face
We each are a mirror
Of heavenly grace.
This Christmas is dear for
This family of three,
Holding hands singing carols
In front of the tree.
We don’t know next Christmas
If three will be here,
So we treasure this moment
Of blessings this year.
We bid you Good Christmas
And warm family love
May blessings rain down
From the heavens above.
We hope that you’ll hold
All your loved ones real tight.
And tell them how precious
They are every night.
The gifts of the spirit
Are those that will last
Today and tomorrow
Through future and past.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The Williams Family
Twas the night before Christmas
At Johhny and Rene’s.
The Williams were snuggled
In bed with their dreams.
Even Scarlett and Rhett
For a brief Christmas stay,
Were back in their bedroom
Like long ago days.
Dear Lucky lay ready
To guard through the night,
In the house that slept under
The Christmas star lights.
Each window had candles,
Old fashioned you know!
That shined like a beacon
Of warm Christmas glow.
The lights on the wraparound
Porch sparkled bright
Setting colorful flowers
Ablaze in the night.
The Christmas tree sparkled
A glittering pink
In Victorian splendor
That make your eyes blink!
And the dining room table
Held plenty of cheer
Holding hundreds of Christmas cards
Keeping hearts near.
But this year no presents
Lay under the tree
Except those from family
And friends we received.
For Christmas was different
In 2008.
We decided the gifts
To each other could wait.
We didn’t need Santa
To come with his sleigh
With sacks full of presents
On this Christmas day.
We knew for this daughter,
This Father and Mother,
The best gift we had for this year
Was each other.
When we wake in the morning
We’ll open our eyes
With hearts full of joy
For another sunrise.
We’ll think of the babe
In the manger that morn,
Who changed all our lives
On the day He was born.
We’ll lift up our voices
In thanks and in praise,
For giving us love
To fill all of our days.
Every day is a blessing
When trusting in Christ,
To know that He lives
In our hearts is so nice.
When we look at each other
We look at HIS face
We each are a mirror
Of heavenly grace.
This Christmas is dear for
This family of three,
Holding hands singing carols
In front of the tree.
We don’t know next Christmas
If three will be here,
So we treasure this moment
Of blessings this year.
We bid you Good Christmas
And warm family love
May blessings rain down
From the heavens above.
We hope that you’ll hold
All your loved ones real tight.
And tell them how precious
They are every night.
The gifts of the spirit
Are those that will last
Today and tomorrow
Through future and past.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The Williams Family
Friday, December 19, 2008
Holding On To Hope
“Hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured into our hearts” – Romans 5:5
Christmas is drawing closer and looking back over the year I shake my head with wonder at all that has happened. Our lives have been completely transformed as the grace of God has surrounded us and led us down unexpected paths. We have traveled through the valley of death on a gripping journey but yet I can count it all as joy. Only God could have taught us how to cope with unbearable sadness and give us the strength to look beyond it and shout the victory.
But here’s the thing. We are not alone in suffering. We each have some form of unbearable sadness that we must cope with at some time during our life.. We all bear a cross that simply has a different name. My heart aches for those around me who are struggling through grief, illness, bankruptcy, loneliness, addictions, surgeries, cancer, lawsuits, unemployment, handicaps, bills, pain, fear, divorce, abuse, homelessness, etc. These are just a few of the things I pray for other people for, in my own personal prayer ministry each day.
Back in 2004 I had to find my own way to God to deal with the shock of discovering I had a deadly form of breast cancer which I did not have a great chance of surviving. I was furious with God. I was scared to death (excuse the pun.) I screamed, I ranted, I raved, I stomped my feet. I cursed. I yelled at Johnny. I broke mirrors. I acted like a spoiled rotten child. God patiently waited for me to calm down.
One night, in the still of the night, I was laying there angry at the world. I lay awake until the wee hours fuming about my plight. Finally I calmed down simply crying from the frustration of it all and just totally gave up my tantrum. It was then that I “sensed” God gently whispering in my ear “are you ready to listen?”
At that moment, with my eyes closed, I saw a vision of sorts. It was a glowing heart pumping in the darkness and with every beat the heart grew brighter. Suddenly I KNEW it was the heart of God, because it enfolded me with a peace that was a kind of “blessed assurance” that everything was all right because HE was with me. Nothing else mattered. I fell asleep and slept like a baby that night for the first time. Maybe it was because I realized I was not the center of the universe. God is the true center.
The next morning I woke up with a new sense of well being. I determined that if God was in control than I no longer had to worry about the cancer. I felt an urgency to make the most of every moment. My focus changed from being self centered to seeking God. I wanted more of that feeling I had the night before. I developed a voracious appetite for learning more about God. I discovered the incredible gift of power to be found in “THE WORD.”
I was excited. I went from helplessness to helping others. This was the secret to my own transformation. I decided that though I was weak from cancer treatments I could still pray and serve God! I decided to make my own mission of seeking others to pray for. At first I simply made a list of family and friends and their concerns. I got a blank journal book and started there. Then I decided to expand it and start looking for more. Everywhere I went I simply started asking everyone I met if there was something I could pray for them for.
What amazed me was how receptive people were after getting over the shock of my question. It led to many beautiful discussions, often with total strangers, of how great and wonderful our Lord is. I discovered that there are A LOT of people who are eager to talk about the Lord and are simply waiting for someone else to start the discussion.
Johnny is now discovering these same truths through his own journey. Despite a descent into constant pain, nausea, weakness, no appetite, his spirit still remains resilient and humbled to the will of God. It is a juggle of faith and human frailty. It is choosing to trust in God even when the future appears bleak. It is about praising God even when you don’t feel like it. It is about believing in a power greater than yourself to protect you.
God does His part. We have to do ours. It is an eternal pact that binds us and there are many fringe benefits if we can hang on to hope long enough to receive them. We must have hope to sustain us through the darkest night. What is hope? It is ”leaping up in expectation.” It is believing everything will work out for good – not by our own power but by the power of something far greater than ourselves. WE must believe no “matter what.”
Our “no matter what” came this past Monday as we met with the oncologist. The CAT scan did not yield the results as positive as we wanted them to be. A SLIGHT hair of a reduction in the mass on Johnny’s lung and in the lymph node. However the mass on his adrenal gland on the kidney continues to grow bringing more pain in his side. Johnny asked the dreaded question. How long do I have? The doctor replied 6 months.
She said she still wanted to do one more round (3 sessions) of the current chemo he was on because of the slight success. But she was concerned about the side effects and Johnny’s quality of life beyond that, if results are not more dramatic, which may simply lead to keeping him comfortable and pain free. I expressed concern about resuming chemo so soon because he had not fully recovered from the last chemo.
Johnny has only been eating less than a handful of food a day for the last two weeks and his weight has dropped down to the low 160’s. It is a viscous cycle created by the pain pills which nauseate him and remove his appetite. His body is frail. He is bony and gaunt. I told her my main priority was for addressing his constant pain and nausea and lack of appetite.
The doctor insisted that it was best to keep the chemo going on schedule while it was showing some results. She suggested doubling the oxycontin for pain and then adding marinol to relieve the nausea and stimulate his appetite. Marinol, she explained was medical marijuana in pill form. It apparently is now legal in Florida for medical uses in cancer treatment. We agreed that if we could get everything under control then he could endure a couple more chemos and keep fighting.
He did the chemo Monday and started the new regimen with increased pain meds and the new marinol pills. For the record – Johnny’s nausea is now under control and his appetite is now back to normal! I cannot tell you the joy of seeing him perk back up and hearing a chuckle in his voice! It is even greater joy to be able to cook for him again! But best of all we have a thread of hope. It is the same hope that David had as he faced Goliath with merely a slingshot. It is all about keeping your eyes on God when the Egyptians are at your back and the Red Sea is in front of you. You close your eyes and hang on.
So what is YOUR cross? Are you letting unbearable sadness rule your world and keep you from bringing light to the world? What are you CHOOSING to feel today? Perhaps you need a “heart to heart” with God and to look beyond your own self to reach out to others. What are you doing today to reach out and touch another life? Don’t go to bed tonight until you’ve done ONE THING to make another life breath easier. Do a random act of kindness for someone anonymously.
Do the same tomorrow.
Unbearable sadness is a matter of perspective. It is how you choose to handle it that makes the difference. We have all been faced with a loss or tragedy or trauma that has damaged us in some way. But we cannot dwell in that place for too long. We must light the candle ourselves that dispels the darkness. We must not lose heart. We must dig down deep and find the courage that lies dormant in each of us. Keep fighting!
We must choose to run under the pinion of God’s feathers. We must accept God’s strength to get through the valley. We MUST ask God for help and then get out of our own way so we can hear Him whisper to our hearts. God is always there. God is always waiting. We each have a destiny – a purpose for being here on earth. We each have an appointed time to be born and to die. Our concern is not the beginning or end. It is what we do with the “in-between.”
If I could give each of you a gift this Christmas it would be the gift of understanding the incredible power we each have through Jesus Christ to conquer anything. I would give you the whole armor of God. I would give you the helmet of salvation. I would give you the shield of faith. I would give you the sash of truth. I would give you the breastplate of righteousness. I would give you the sandals of the gospel of peace.
Most importantly, I would give you love. I hope you will take it and pass it on to everyone you meet. It is the best Christmas gift of all. Every thought of encouragement I just shared with you is not an original thought. It’s what I learned from reading my bible. I am simply sharing the truths I found that have helped me carry my own cross.
One last thought to leave you with. This is a quote posted on my refrigerator by James Frey:
BE STRONG.
LIVE HONORABLY
AND WITH DIGNITY.
WHEN YOU DON’T THINK YOU CAN,
HOLD ON.
Merry Christmas Kisses!
Rene and Johnny and Scarlett
Christmas is drawing closer and looking back over the year I shake my head with wonder at all that has happened. Our lives have been completely transformed as the grace of God has surrounded us and led us down unexpected paths. We have traveled through the valley of death on a gripping journey but yet I can count it all as joy. Only God could have taught us how to cope with unbearable sadness and give us the strength to look beyond it and shout the victory.
But here’s the thing. We are not alone in suffering. We each have some form of unbearable sadness that we must cope with at some time during our life.. We all bear a cross that simply has a different name. My heart aches for those around me who are struggling through grief, illness, bankruptcy, loneliness, addictions, surgeries, cancer, lawsuits, unemployment, handicaps, bills, pain, fear, divorce, abuse, homelessness, etc. These are just a few of the things I pray for other people for, in my own personal prayer ministry each day.
Back in 2004 I had to find my own way to God to deal with the shock of discovering I had a deadly form of breast cancer which I did not have a great chance of surviving. I was furious with God. I was scared to death (excuse the pun.) I screamed, I ranted, I raved, I stomped my feet. I cursed. I yelled at Johnny. I broke mirrors. I acted like a spoiled rotten child. God patiently waited for me to calm down.
One night, in the still of the night, I was laying there angry at the world. I lay awake until the wee hours fuming about my plight. Finally I calmed down simply crying from the frustration of it all and just totally gave up my tantrum. It was then that I “sensed” God gently whispering in my ear “are you ready to listen?”
At that moment, with my eyes closed, I saw a vision of sorts. It was a glowing heart pumping in the darkness and with every beat the heart grew brighter. Suddenly I KNEW it was the heart of God, because it enfolded me with a peace that was a kind of “blessed assurance” that everything was all right because HE was with me. Nothing else mattered. I fell asleep and slept like a baby that night for the first time. Maybe it was because I realized I was not the center of the universe. God is the true center.
The next morning I woke up with a new sense of well being. I determined that if God was in control than I no longer had to worry about the cancer. I felt an urgency to make the most of every moment. My focus changed from being self centered to seeking God. I wanted more of that feeling I had the night before. I developed a voracious appetite for learning more about God. I discovered the incredible gift of power to be found in “THE WORD.”
I was excited. I went from helplessness to helping others. This was the secret to my own transformation. I decided that though I was weak from cancer treatments I could still pray and serve God! I decided to make my own mission of seeking others to pray for. At first I simply made a list of family and friends and their concerns. I got a blank journal book and started there. Then I decided to expand it and start looking for more. Everywhere I went I simply started asking everyone I met if there was something I could pray for them for.
What amazed me was how receptive people were after getting over the shock of my question. It led to many beautiful discussions, often with total strangers, of how great and wonderful our Lord is. I discovered that there are A LOT of people who are eager to talk about the Lord and are simply waiting for someone else to start the discussion.
Johnny is now discovering these same truths through his own journey. Despite a descent into constant pain, nausea, weakness, no appetite, his spirit still remains resilient and humbled to the will of God. It is a juggle of faith and human frailty. It is choosing to trust in God even when the future appears bleak. It is about praising God even when you don’t feel like it. It is about believing in a power greater than yourself to protect you.
God does His part. We have to do ours. It is an eternal pact that binds us and there are many fringe benefits if we can hang on to hope long enough to receive them. We must have hope to sustain us through the darkest night. What is hope? It is ”leaping up in expectation.” It is believing everything will work out for good – not by our own power but by the power of something far greater than ourselves. WE must believe no “matter what.”
Our “no matter what” came this past Monday as we met with the oncologist. The CAT scan did not yield the results as positive as we wanted them to be. A SLIGHT hair of a reduction in the mass on Johnny’s lung and in the lymph node. However the mass on his adrenal gland on the kidney continues to grow bringing more pain in his side. Johnny asked the dreaded question. How long do I have? The doctor replied 6 months.
She said she still wanted to do one more round (3 sessions) of the current chemo he was on because of the slight success. But she was concerned about the side effects and Johnny’s quality of life beyond that, if results are not more dramatic, which may simply lead to keeping him comfortable and pain free. I expressed concern about resuming chemo so soon because he had not fully recovered from the last chemo.
Johnny has only been eating less than a handful of food a day for the last two weeks and his weight has dropped down to the low 160’s. It is a viscous cycle created by the pain pills which nauseate him and remove his appetite. His body is frail. He is bony and gaunt. I told her my main priority was for addressing his constant pain and nausea and lack of appetite.
The doctor insisted that it was best to keep the chemo going on schedule while it was showing some results. She suggested doubling the oxycontin for pain and then adding marinol to relieve the nausea and stimulate his appetite. Marinol, she explained was medical marijuana in pill form. It apparently is now legal in Florida for medical uses in cancer treatment. We agreed that if we could get everything under control then he could endure a couple more chemos and keep fighting.
He did the chemo Monday and started the new regimen with increased pain meds and the new marinol pills. For the record – Johnny’s nausea is now under control and his appetite is now back to normal! I cannot tell you the joy of seeing him perk back up and hearing a chuckle in his voice! It is even greater joy to be able to cook for him again! But best of all we have a thread of hope. It is the same hope that David had as he faced Goliath with merely a slingshot. It is all about keeping your eyes on God when the Egyptians are at your back and the Red Sea is in front of you. You close your eyes and hang on.
So what is YOUR cross? Are you letting unbearable sadness rule your world and keep you from bringing light to the world? What are you CHOOSING to feel today? Perhaps you need a “heart to heart” with God and to look beyond your own self to reach out to others. What are you doing today to reach out and touch another life? Don’t go to bed tonight until you’ve done ONE THING to make another life breath easier. Do a random act of kindness for someone anonymously.
Do the same tomorrow.
Unbearable sadness is a matter of perspective. It is how you choose to handle it that makes the difference. We have all been faced with a loss or tragedy or trauma that has damaged us in some way. But we cannot dwell in that place for too long. We must light the candle ourselves that dispels the darkness. We must not lose heart. We must dig down deep and find the courage that lies dormant in each of us. Keep fighting!
We must choose to run under the pinion of God’s feathers. We must accept God’s strength to get through the valley. We MUST ask God for help and then get out of our own way so we can hear Him whisper to our hearts. God is always there. God is always waiting. We each have a destiny – a purpose for being here on earth. We each have an appointed time to be born and to die. Our concern is not the beginning or end. It is what we do with the “in-between.”
If I could give each of you a gift this Christmas it would be the gift of understanding the incredible power we each have through Jesus Christ to conquer anything. I would give you the whole armor of God. I would give you the helmet of salvation. I would give you the shield of faith. I would give you the sash of truth. I would give you the breastplate of righteousness. I would give you the sandals of the gospel of peace.
Most importantly, I would give you love. I hope you will take it and pass it on to everyone you meet. It is the best Christmas gift of all. Every thought of encouragement I just shared with you is not an original thought. It’s what I learned from reading my bible. I am simply sharing the truths I found that have helped me carry my own cross.
One last thought to leave you with. This is a quote posted on my refrigerator by James Frey:
BE STRONG.
LIVE HONORABLY
AND WITH DIGNITY.
WHEN YOU DON’T THINK YOU CAN,
HOLD ON.
Merry Christmas Kisses!
Rene and Johnny and Scarlett
Monday, December 8, 2008
My Soul Magnifies the Lord
“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my savior” – Luke 1:46-47
As the year draws to a close I look back and see all we have come through since this journey began early this year. I’ve been feeling lately like my get up and go has got up and went! The holidays have landed upon us and I watched as the neighborhood started lighting up around us with festive trimmings. I told myself that I might skip all the hoopla this year. I entertained thoughts of throwing a little 3 foot quickie tree on the coffee table and calling it a day. Surely everyone would understand!
Until I talked to my long lost cousin Lydia. She called to see if she and her Hubby Mike, who is my cousin, could make a day trip to visit Johnny just for a few hours this past weekend. Johnny has had it extra rough since his last chemo last Monday. His blood platelets are down, his stomach stays upset and he barely eats each day. And then there is the never ending pain. So they desperately wanted to see him but to not impose.
But the four of us go way back. Lydia was supposed to be my maid of honor at my wedding but Mike got transferred unexpectedly. They ended up in New Mexico for the last decade or two so we had grown apart through time and distance. But they moved back home to Varnville, S.C. last year after my Aunt Ruby died, to take care of Mike’s two adult handicapped brothers left behind. Obviously these two have hearts of gold and love, to uproot their lives and make such a tremendous sacrifice.
I love the people in life who understand you can talk the talk, and you can walk the walk, but its better to walk the talk, then to talk the walk. These two are walkers! So we really looked forward to seeing them. When we talked on the phone Friday we were talking about putting up decorations and dreading it and I told Lydia my plan. She paused and said “Rene, I really think you should decorate - especially this year.”
The beauty of that suggestion was – they were coming in two days so that gave me a short deadline to rally with. I’m an adrenaline junkie that has always put off projects til the last minute and my last minute had arrived to whip the house into a winter wonderland. So Saturday morning I got up and hit the ground running. Lydia had not seem my dream house yet and I was so excited to show her. We had dreamed together by her pool one summer when I went to visit them while in college. So I knew she would love and appreciate everything she saw.
This made me look at our home through fresh eyes. I worked from 10am til 10pm Saturday sprucing up and dragging the tree out of the garage, and the hundreds of ornaments, and yards of lights and bows. I even got fresh hanging pots of red and white impatiens flowers, to adorn the porch and provide more color. Before I knew it Christmas spirit was rushing through my veins. It was contagious. Johnny watched and laughed as I buzzed around whistling and singing carols as I worked.
As I worked I thought about that Christmas in 2004 when it was me laying on the couch-bed where Johnny now lays all day. I’ve come a long way in four years since my Christmas miracle saved me from a life threatening reaction to the chemo, that put me in the hospital that Christmas. I never dreamed I would be nursing Johnny through a Christmas miracle of his own. But here I am waiting to find another light in the darkness.
Because I believe there is a light in the darkness of everybody’s life. No matter how bad things get or how hopeless a situation seems, or how much one may suffer – the light is always there. We are always standing on a threshold of choosing the light or not. Our perspective and choice determines our destiny. Agony or ecstasy. Winning or losing. Happy or sad. Leader or follower.
I think the greatest gift we can give back to our savior this holiday season is to lead souls to Christ by following His light. I heard a great story by Rick Warren of “Purpose Driven Life. He was explaining his family Christmas tradition that dates back to when he was a boy. They honor the baby Jesus with a birthday party complete with cake and ice cream! Then they form a circle and each person gives a “gift of the spirit” to Jesus by telling Him what they will be doing for him in the coming year. Each person has a personal mission.
How great is that for remembering what Christmas is really about? What we can give to Christ rather than what we are getting from Santa? Oh yeah! It’s not all about me!
So my Christmas challenge for each of you is this. At the end of the day every day of the coming year ask yourself “Did I GET more today or did I GIVE more?” I hope you will give more of yourself in small everyday ways to the people in your life that you encounter.
Ralph Waldo Emerson tells us that “it is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself…serve and thou shall be served.”
So how bright is your light this Christmas? Is your Christian character showing? Do they know you’re a Christian by your love? Lead the way and make the first step by example. Remember, you may be the only bible some people ever read. So let your light shine. Let your life shine as bright as the Christmas lights on your tree.
When Mary, the Mother of Jesus found out she would be giving birth and that her life was about to become very unpredictable she didn’t ask how hard it was going to be - she simply said “My soul magnifies the Lord…”
We continue to magnify the Lord with all our hearts and souls around this house. We know God is in control. We feel surrounded by angels and prayers from all corners coming from other hearts everywhere. I know I’ve thanked you all bunches already, but I just can’t thank you enough for continuing to care and keep those cards and letters coming!
Everyday is like Christmas around here each time we go to the mailbox. And isn’t that the way it was meant to be? Johnny sends Christmas greetings. My Christmas wish for you all is, that you will find Christmas in every day also – not just once a year.
Holiday Blessings for a Merry Christmas!
Rene
As the year draws to a close I look back and see all we have come through since this journey began early this year. I’ve been feeling lately like my get up and go has got up and went! The holidays have landed upon us and I watched as the neighborhood started lighting up around us with festive trimmings. I told myself that I might skip all the hoopla this year. I entertained thoughts of throwing a little 3 foot quickie tree on the coffee table and calling it a day. Surely everyone would understand!
Until I talked to my long lost cousin Lydia. She called to see if she and her Hubby Mike, who is my cousin, could make a day trip to visit Johnny just for a few hours this past weekend. Johnny has had it extra rough since his last chemo last Monday. His blood platelets are down, his stomach stays upset and he barely eats each day. And then there is the never ending pain. So they desperately wanted to see him but to not impose.
But the four of us go way back. Lydia was supposed to be my maid of honor at my wedding but Mike got transferred unexpectedly. They ended up in New Mexico for the last decade or two so we had grown apart through time and distance. But they moved back home to Varnville, S.C. last year after my Aunt Ruby died, to take care of Mike’s two adult handicapped brothers left behind. Obviously these two have hearts of gold and love, to uproot their lives and make such a tremendous sacrifice.
I love the people in life who understand you can talk the talk, and you can walk the walk, but its better to walk the talk, then to talk the walk. These two are walkers! So we really looked forward to seeing them. When we talked on the phone Friday we were talking about putting up decorations and dreading it and I told Lydia my plan. She paused and said “Rene, I really think you should decorate - especially this year.”
The beauty of that suggestion was – they were coming in two days so that gave me a short deadline to rally with. I’m an adrenaline junkie that has always put off projects til the last minute and my last minute had arrived to whip the house into a winter wonderland. So Saturday morning I got up and hit the ground running. Lydia had not seem my dream house yet and I was so excited to show her. We had dreamed together by her pool one summer when I went to visit them while in college. So I knew she would love and appreciate everything she saw.
This made me look at our home through fresh eyes. I worked from 10am til 10pm Saturday sprucing up and dragging the tree out of the garage, and the hundreds of ornaments, and yards of lights and bows. I even got fresh hanging pots of red and white impatiens flowers, to adorn the porch and provide more color. Before I knew it Christmas spirit was rushing through my veins. It was contagious. Johnny watched and laughed as I buzzed around whistling and singing carols as I worked.
As I worked I thought about that Christmas in 2004 when it was me laying on the couch-bed where Johnny now lays all day. I’ve come a long way in four years since my Christmas miracle saved me from a life threatening reaction to the chemo, that put me in the hospital that Christmas. I never dreamed I would be nursing Johnny through a Christmas miracle of his own. But here I am waiting to find another light in the darkness.
Because I believe there is a light in the darkness of everybody’s life. No matter how bad things get or how hopeless a situation seems, or how much one may suffer – the light is always there. We are always standing on a threshold of choosing the light or not. Our perspective and choice determines our destiny. Agony or ecstasy. Winning or losing. Happy or sad. Leader or follower.
I think the greatest gift we can give back to our savior this holiday season is to lead souls to Christ by following His light. I heard a great story by Rick Warren of “Purpose Driven Life. He was explaining his family Christmas tradition that dates back to when he was a boy. They honor the baby Jesus with a birthday party complete with cake and ice cream! Then they form a circle and each person gives a “gift of the spirit” to Jesus by telling Him what they will be doing for him in the coming year. Each person has a personal mission.
How great is that for remembering what Christmas is really about? What we can give to Christ rather than what we are getting from Santa? Oh yeah! It’s not all about me!
So my Christmas challenge for each of you is this. At the end of the day every day of the coming year ask yourself “Did I GET more today or did I GIVE more?” I hope you will give more of yourself in small everyday ways to the people in your life that you encounter.
Ralph Waldo Emerson tells us that “it is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself…serve and thou shall be served.”
So how bright is your light this Christmas? Is your Christian character showing? Do they know you’re a Christian by your love? Lead the way and make the first step by example. Remember, you may be the only bible some people ever read. So let your light shine. Let your life shine as bright as the Christmas lights on your tree.
When Mary, the Mother of Jesus found out she would be giving birth and that her life was about to become very unpredictable she didn’t ask how hard it was going to be - she simply said “My soul magnifies the Lord…”
We continue to magnify the Lord with all our hearts and souls around this house. We know God is in control. We feel surrounded by angels and prayers from all corners coming from other hearts everywhere. I know I’ve thanked you all bunches already, but I just can’t thank you enough for continuing to care and keep those cards and letters coming!
Everyday is like Christmas around here each time we go to the mailbox. And isn’t that the way it was meant to be? Johnny sends Christmas greetings. My Christmas wish for you all is, that you will find Christmas in every day also – not just once a year.
Holiday Blessings for a Merry Christmas!
Rene
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