Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Resurrection of Rene Williams

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, And Your right hand will save me. The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy endures forever; do not forsake the work of Your hands.” - Psalm 138:7-8

It is never too late to make a comeback. We all get detoured in our walk in life. We make mistakes. We get discouraged. We give up. We don’t believe we have the power to be what we used to be. We believe we are beyond redemption. But we forget too often, that there is a greater power that can raise us from the deadness of our own self-destruction.

Tonight I realized that by the grace of God I am coming back to life. I have spent the last ten years spiraling down into a cave of hiding from myself, of punishing myself for mistakes made, and building walls to keep me from facing the insurmountable challenge of picking up the pieces and starting over again.

Though I beat cancer 5 years ago, I have been unable to beat the voices in my head that continued to tell me my best years were over. It is a living hell to be stuck in a place you can’t get out of. It is frightening to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself anymore. Where did the power and pizaaz go?

Johnny has always taken such good care of me that it has been easy to hide. I have been allowed to prolong my stay in the comfort zone for too long. But everything changed last year, when Johnny received the prognosis of terminal stage 4 lung cancer and given one year to live. My world was turned upside down. It was time to come out of my cave and back into the light – because the love of my life needed me.

This past year has been a slow journey back to myself, as Johnny has battled for his life. My life has been through a transition of growing in grace, but only because I allowed God to step in and show me the way. I have gone through all the stages of denial, anger, walking forward, taking three steps back ward, getting up from my knees, and somehow have kept moving in my spirit. It could only be grace.

Tonight we watched the premier episode of “Friday Night Lights” on TV. The coach was trying to help an injured player named “Smash” make a comeback after an injury that sideswiped his life. He was giving up because he didn’t believe he could do it. Coach finally told “Smash,” his destiny was waiting in front of him, and that he would do everything he could to help him, until he achieved his dream, but “Smash” had TO WANT IT. Coach said the only thing he couldn’t do for him is MAKE HIM WANT IT.

My heavenly coach has been patiently waiting for me to get over myself this past year. He has been waiting for me to allow Him to call the gameplan and make the plays He tells me too. I saw my time was running out as I watched Johnny grow weaker and weaker. I realized I had no choice, but to step up to the plate and change positions with Johnny. It was a 2 minute warning and I grabbed the ball just in time.

If you had told me a year ago I would be in charge of our lives, I never would have believed it. But tonight Johnny smiled at me from where he lay on the couch as he watched me tending the fire, adding new logs, doing what he used to do. I patiently follow his instructions, not only in firetending, but in tending to our lives in all areas. He has spent the last year teaching me how to be strong and unafraid of any situation.

After I placed the screen back in place he told me how proud he was of me for becoming strong again. He told me we really have made a good team during our life. I agreed but now I realize what its like to be the quarterback. I have always been the woman behind the successful man. He always made it look easy. Now it is my turn to take the lead.

Now I take care of him. I handle all business. I finally understand our investments. I battle the insurance company. I handle our legal affairs. I plunge the toilets. I change the water cooler. I turn on the all the faucets outside on freezing nights. I haul in all the potted flowers to save them from the freeze. I take out the garbage. I kill the fire ants. I turn on the lights outside at night. I turn them off at morningtime. I lock up to secure the house. I build fires. I keep track of all medical appointments. I take him to Mayo Clinic every week. I barbecue on the grill. I do all the endless things he used to do that I took for granted.

The only thing I don’t do is hold the remote. I will never ever take that away from him.

We all have a moment of reckoning when we have to make a decision to sink or swim in life. Only we can choose for ourselves. Our friends and family can support us and encourage us to be everything we were meant to be, but they cannot do it for us.

The first step is the hardest and the scariest. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other. But here’s a secret. Once we decide we WANT to, we CANNOT do it with our own human power. Trust me. It is a futile effort no matter how much you want it, unless you let God in, to help you pave the way with HIS power.

Only HE can revive you. Only HE can save you from your greatest enemy – which is always yourself. Only HE can take our weakness and make it strength. We must surrender ourselves. The moment I did this and decided to trust God to do the impossible, I could feel mountains move in my spirit. That peace that surpasses all understanding filled me with an indescribable hope that I could conquer anything.

What is your mountain? I am here to tell you that when you allow the grace to flow, there is nothing that can happen that you and God can’t handle together. Living a life without fear is a heaven on earth. I wish each of you the joy of resurrection, through the power of He who was resurrected for us so many years ago. If I can do it you can do it to. So run don’t walk, to the blessings that are waiting for you. Say YES to God and begin to live the life of your dreams.

Beautiful Blessings!



Laura Lu said...

now i sit here in tears! once again...thank you!

Anonymous said...

Ahh, thank you Rene. Your words are so true and beautiful. Hard to believe, but I have been sitting in the comfort of my busy-ness and not tending my relationship with God and myself. I have been so busy putting out fires and trying to catch up lately, that I have lost focus of the important things in life. Just before I logged on I was thinking of this very concept. Synchronization at it's best, one of God's ways of reaching out to poke us and say here I am. I can help, don't forget me!

Sending my love to you and Johnny!

Rene Williams said...

Laura - thanks for reading! It encourages me so to continue writing.

Shannon - so good to hear from you! Keep walking towards the light and synchronicity! Your destiny awaits. Love your website. I'm waiting for the next blog. You are such a gifted writer. MAKE the time to unleash that gift.

Scarlett Lillian // Jacksonville Senior Photographer said...

LOL about the remote! :-)

Anonymous said...

Rene....Your words are beautiful and oh soo true. I think of Isaiah 41:10..."So don't worry, because I am with you. Don't be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and I will help you: I will support you with my right hand that saves you." God is making you stronger as Johnny weakens but Johnny is also knowing that you will be OK when he is with Jesus. It is very hard to keep things in perspective during all of this but with God's protection and many prayers you are surviving. Love you both..Janice

Amy Clifton said...

Thank you for this message. Just what I needed to hear. May God continue to be with you and your family.